Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
You're right, I am talking about you. All of you and me. Anyone you can think of, that is who I am talking about. Why are we all so selfish? Even in our selflessness, there is still a niggle in the back of our minds that there will be something good come out of it. We are completely self absorbed. I am right there in the top ten (of course this totally stokes my ego-I'm one of the best!). Basically, I think I am the number one self absorbed but I thought it might sound a bit conceited, so I instead went for top ten. I predict you are having one of two thoughts here-1. I am far more self absorbed than her, I can think of all sorts of unselfish things she does, so I win-I AM more self-absorbed. OR 2. Yes, she is a bit selfish. I'm glad I don't suffer with that the way she does. Either way, you totally proved my point making me right so I win. (That is very important to me.)
The Bible requires us to die to ourselves to go with Christ and I gotta say-I am desperately trying to do that. I want to go through life without pretense. I want to good and not expect there to be a return on that. I want to overlook a wrong for no other reason than God tells me to. I want to put other people first and that bring me joy instead of tallies on my imaginary scorecard. AND THEN...this part of me completely is at odds with the other side of me that wants to be noticed, to be known for the good I do, the part of me that wants to encourage the good I see in others. My favorite Bible verse is Hebrews 3:13 "But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Does needing that encouragement just feed the selfish monster? Does feeling good about who I am prove I love myself too much? Does feeling bad about who I am make me less selfish ore more selfish? Does loving this blog foster some sort of self absorption? Who do I think I am thinking other people will want to read about me and my life? I write on here mostly for myself with the thought that one day it might be precious to my children. I also like the fact that some of my friends will read this and understand me better. I also have made friends through this blog-people who totally relate to me. I have even made a few enemies I am sure. So why do I blog? Is is just some sort of self focus? Does this make me self-absorbed? I like to think this blog helps me sort things out and be a better person. Why do I have to do that in such a public way? Does that make me selfish, needy, insecure or all of these things?
These are the things I am wrestling with right now. How do you wrestle with the selfish monster?
Gee, I really hope I get alot of comments. That will prove I really do matter and all will be right with my ego. However, if I get no comments, that will merely prove everyone out there in blogland is trying to teach me a lesson...ie...thinking about me. Win/win. Sad/sad.
Self love/self-loathe. Sunrise/sunset. I can't wait to see my padded white room and get my stylin' backwards jacket.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
The monster truck is returned. The new van is now owned by us and parked in the driveway. The bit of conflict that was is resolved-sometimes it does take two wrongs to make a right. The parents are still in hospitals way far apart in differing counties but I am no longer going to both EVERY day(just most every day). Mom won't be released from the hospital until March 7 so we have plenty of time to move them slowly. My head seems to be out of the "danger of exploding" zone. I found my owl pellets and the boys had a great time dissecting owl vomit. I really enjoyed the entire lesson because owls are my favorite animal, closely tied with hawks but owls win because they can fly SILENTLY. That is totally cool. I can't do anything silently. I subscribed to google reader and it is totally awesomely magnificent. I will save probably an hour everyday reading blogs. All new entries were read in about 10 minutes. Non-updaters, I don't even have to visit your site to know you let the blog community down-I mean, you did not post.
So now, it is off to some "frisky business". All this free time and positive news has definitely enhanced our love life.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
The weather was kind of warm and rainy yesterday, but today?? Really cold and snowy. Gotta love KY weather. It is impossible to predict. It could be 70 degrees tomorrow and no one would bat an eye. We would just pull out our just-in-case winter/summer clothes and move on. So it's cold again.
Today has been sucha whirlwind that my head hurts. Schooling, visiting my step-father, packing, moving, cleaning and a mad dash to the hospital to check on my momma. It just so happened that I called while her blood sugar was crashing. As those of you who live with diabetics know, it happens. It is scary. I knew I would not sleep tonight until I could see her, converse with her and know all was right in her world.
I worked with two other ladies from my church tonight to really clean our church kitchen. It was fun and we made alot of progress. There is still tons more that we could do but we left with a sense of pride that it is much improved. It took us two months to finally find a time that worked for all of our schedules. Tis a busy world we live in.
Hula girl is a wonderful cook and she blessed my heart and my family tonight. I was even inspired enough to pick up some essentials from the grocery store on the way home from hospital number one. I may live to cook and clean again.
Co-op is not gonna be fun for me tomorrow. Any extra time I have had in the last week has gone towards nagging homework and getting a load of laundry washed or folded. I promised my co-op boys we would look at an owl pellet tomorrow...where did I put those? Do other people lose their owl pellets? I think I may hold a record on that one!!
And on days like any day this week, I would prefer not to. Too many things are going on. Too many things are devastating my feelings. Too many people's feelings are devastated by me. Too much stress for too long. I am blessed to have a husband who really really loves me-and he knows how I am-and he still loves me anyway. Okay, typing that made me cry, but it is still true. He pretty much expects that I am gonna open my mouth and say things that at the least I will regret. He also has gone from hating that and being embarrassed to loving me for speaking up about things I truly care about. He has gone from hating me being such an "open book" to preferring others who are also open books. God knew what he was doing when he brought us together-both flawed and broken-to heal us and make us better together than we were apart. OK, I have cried, prayed and cried some more. I have apologized, lamented, and hated being me enough. Now it is time to move on. I don't really hate being me. Sometimes, but it is really the only thing I am good at so I have to keep being the best me I can.
Refocus on positive things:
- Hubby found me a van, just like my old van only better. It has a few more bells and whistles but it will still be what I had. A paid-for white minivan. We will get it tomorrow. The kids and I drove it a bit yesterday. I like it.
- Erika and I got my mom's entire bathroom packed last night. Today we will go and pack up more and maybe even unpack some at the new house. My mom has six curling irons. My mom does not use a curling iron. Apparently we all moved out and left them at home. Kinda funny. This is going to be fun, the things we will come across will no doubt be hilarious. Here are some other funny things: Ipecac syrup I bought "just in case" after Erika was born (EXP 1998); nail polish remover I bought when I was 16; claire's ear care solution for when I got my ears pierced in 6th grade. The things we keep are hilarious!
- My step-father is happy that he will be going home soon. He is happier now that the going home date seems closer. A few days ago, he looked like he might cry. He's 84 and doesn't like being away from home and my mom at all. They have not seen each other in about a month.
- My mom has finally reached a point where she can manuever herself around well. It is going to be really hard for her while she builds up her upper body strength, but she is well on her way.
- The weather is rainy, but it is also warmer and I am so glad to see it! I hope it sticks around for a while.
I love you bloggy friends. I love you even more, real life friends who are also bloggy friends-Hula girl blessed me with supper tonight. God bless you Hula! Thanks for listening to me whine, vent and rejoice.
Monday, February 25, 2008
I just put in a call to nominate my husband for sainthood for putting up with me. I need to make another call for the people who put up with me at church and also read this blog. Sometimes the things I say on here come across very scathing, ie. my last post. That is never the heart or mindset behind it. I try very hard to be thoughtful of what I say and do both written and spoken. However, I am ill-equipped at it. I read that whole post and thought it communicated my frustrations very well. In fact, it did. What was less clear was that I was frustrated for feeling that way. The battle with myself for getting my feelings hurt over it. The battle with myself for feeling angry, on one hand feeling justified but on the other hand knowing I was not giving my church leadership a "fair shake". I am angry for not feeling heard or validated, but I also don't think this weekend was about that. I don't think anyone meant me to feel that way or even treat me in a way that would make me feel that way. Hence the small potatoes reference. The whole issue is-as all issues always are- wrong expectations. Me expecting the workshop would cover certain things. The hosts expecting their info would be appreciated. To see it from their point of view, I was an insensitive sot who did not appreciate the time and planning that went into the workshop. An angle I did not consider-so I made that a little worse by blogging about it.
I guess I will try to censor myself on here a little better from now on. No one else is capable of reading a blog from my perspective. We each read from our own perspective, right or wrong. So I guess venting on here isn't always the best idea when people I love and care deeply about might read it and be offended where no offense is intended. It all comes down to selfishness on my part, thinking too much of myself and my hurt. Satan is fun like that, causing us to be offended and angry. His goal is ALWAYS to anger, then divide and conquer.
So, I apologize to anyone who read the last post and was offended. I would love to delete it. The first one I deleted was probably nicer. I don't know. I'm not deleting it. IT will serve as a reminder of being a little too self absorbed. It reminds others that I am not perfect (I know you are all gasping!). I screw up. Often. Really often. My journey is full of things done right and also things done wrong. I am grateful the blood of Christ covers the sin-intentional or not. I would sure be in sad sorry shape if that was not the case.
Thank you God for people who love me enough to call me out when I do wrong. Thank you God for friendships strong enough to get past it.
- I am not really upset upset that anyone read my deleted post. I did not know about readers and how they worked-but it is all good. Blogging is my best healthiest place to vent. I am someone who works through things by talking and writing. I have a few friends who don't realize that about me and think I am the most scatterbrained person in the world because what is the most important thing one day is not so important the next. OR, I make a huge life altering decision after a long conversation with someone. That's me, I talk big decisions out. When I make up my mind-it is usually very thoroughly thought out and discussed with someone else(or a couple of someone elses) and then crystallized with a writing or a pro/con list done in my head. It works for me.
- I am far too busy to be blogging right now but it is helping to clear the cobwebs on my brain today. Plus it makes me feel good to read your comments after a tiring day. Remember, I am married to a man that uses up most of his words at work. He also does not enjoy conversational "sparring". We mostly just hurt each other's feelings. A good example of our differing conversational needs: On the way home from the workshop this weekend, I could have talked about 75 hours concerning all that happened. Erik was sort of glazed over. He had no words left. He did not wish to listen to anything else at all about church stuff. Possibly ever again. On the other hand, he wanted to talk about van shopping and he could have talked 75 hours concerning that topic but I did not care because my feelings needed tending. We are as different as night and day. The things that we feel passionate about are as different as night and day. It is fun.
- I am frustrated with church right now. Here is my dilemna. If I am included in decision making-meaning my opinion does indeed matter and carry some weight, then I expect to be HEARD and listened to when I voice that opinion. I want to be validated. HOWEVER, if my opinion is of no importance or little importance-meaning decisions will be made and my opinion, while somewhat important, will have absolutely no weight at all regarding how decsions are made DO NOT SOLICIT IT!!!!! It would be like Erik and I sitting down with our children to plan a vacation. Encouraging them to tell us what they would like to do and really asking them lots of questions about how and why and getting them all stoked about what they want to do. They would each be really passionate about why and maybe even discussing apart from us about where to go and what to do. Then calling them back to the table and telling them we have made the decision. We are doing a couple's vacation and they are staying with grandparents. That is how I feel about our church right now. Don't include me in a decision that I am really not included in. I don't have time or energy to get all caught up in something and then later be dismissed. I am now full of resentment because I don't feel listened to. I feel like I juggled ten million things to go away and spent alot of money on really bad meals to "HELP" with something where the help was both unaccepted and unwanted.
- Wow, number three lets me know I am not over this yet. The problem is that I love my church and everyone in it. It isn't perfect but I don't want to leave or go somewhere else(usually). I want to help when they need help. I want to encourage and support. I can be as vocal or unvocal as they need me to be. I could handle them saying, "This is how it is going to be and you don't get a vote in it." That is how much I trust our leadership. That is how full my submission to them is. So it really hurts to feel manipulated in such a way as to make me "think" I am helping make a decision that has already been made OR WILL BE MADE by an already pre-selected few. It insults me. That bothers me in a huge way because our church is small and all of "these people" aren't "these people", they are close personal friends. Friends I would and could call upon any time for any need. Friends who have gone to bat for me and held us and cried with us through big stuff in our lives.
I'm going to take a shower. And pray some more. And tell myself to get over this already, it isn't that big a deal. I'm hoping at some point my emotions will hear me say that over and over and finally hear it!! My head knows this is not a big deal-in fact, it is small potatoes. Very small potatoes. Feelings, listen-SMALL POTATOES!!!
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Shame on you for reading a deleted post. I decided it was just too much information if you can possibly believe that about me!! And a little tender still. I decided to give it time and prayer and then see how I felt. I should go to God before I go to blog. So anyway, today has been a hard day. I have been a bundle of emotions most of the day, but fellowship with friends has been a good thing.
- Our van is totalled. I know that would make some people very happy. They would get real excited about shopping for a new car. However, it isn't enough $$ to get excited about. It is a fair amount of money I suppose-but I really just want what we had. I liked my van. Now we have to scour the city shopping for something close. I hate it. In different circumstances it could be fun but right now it just isn't.
- The hospital where my stepfather is being taken care of is losing his clothes. They can't seem to locate them or get them back to his room. This is a big problem. We thought it would help us and save us a headache or two to have them do the laundry. We were wrong.
- My mom is feeling much better. However, this week we need to get her and my stepfather moved out of their old house (which is now sold) into their new house (which is ready now). It is very important that this happen this week so that they both come home to the new house which does not have steps-which would be a problem for both of them.
- We are not on track at all with our school work and hopefully we can get on track tomorrow!!
- I am hardly communicating with some of my very good friends and it is totally not cool or fun. We left the house this morning at 8:00AM and we got back home at 8:30PM. We were home briefly to change clothes.
- I have no groceries in this house and no desire to remedy that. Hubby promises to stop at the store on the way home tomorrow if I make him a list. Man oh man I do not feel like making a list.
- I don't feel like a very good wife, mother, daughter, friend, sister, church member OR general member of the world right now. I feel like a very tightly bundled bunch of dry sticks. It could all fall apart any moment. Thankfully, I have some things on my to do list that I am looking forward to so that will fuel me through another day or so.
Friday, February 22, 2008
All of my fingers and toes are crossed. There is a big chance that Erik and I will have a night and day away from home and the girls will have a fun overnight at a friend's house. The weather seems to be cooperating...Erik's work is SO FAR cooperating...the friend is very excited to have the girls over. I'm scared to get excited as we have been juggling so many things to even have the possibility of this...if one ball drops...it won't happen, at least not like we prefer it to happen. I will get excited when we are in the car on our way...pulling in the driveway of the hotel. I should also mention this is a workshop for church so there will be friends, games and fun involved. I can't wait.
Yesterday involved snuggling and finishing The Goose Girl audio book-but there were no cookies, breads or crafts. Today there probably won't be either, although we MIGHT make some playdough. I just didn't want to be misleading! The best laid plans often go awry around these parts. It was an optimistic post.
We have lots and lots to do today, so I have to get hoppin!! Have a great weekend!
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Ice Ice Baby! I can scarcely believe that there is actually ice out there. Usually when it is predicted, it does not happen. However, it is out there and my husband is in great peril as he walks and drives on it all day. Please keep him clothed in prayers for his safety today. On most days, he loves his job. He loves his route and everyone on his route loves him too. Ice and snow are dreadful to the walking man! So I will think of him all day.
No hospital visits for me today which is not as comforting as you might imagine. I have had an extended stay in the hospital and can't imagine how dreadful it would be without visitors! Add to that the guilt that I did not make it to see my stepdad yesterday and I'm not sure anyone else did either. One of my sisters has the flu, one has two kids who are sick, one has a job that has gotten much behind and also sports for one child in the evening. That leaves me only to make the rounds.
We are snuggled up under covers listening to "The Goose Girl". It is a very good book and we have enjoyed it. Pajama day is soon to be declared. Crafts and cookies are in our future...maybe even some bread. (Thanks Sara for recipes!)
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Apparently I have done something horrible and God is making me pay and pay dearly. Nearly every facet of my life is in some sort of turmoil. I don't really believe this, of course, but at some point I do have to question a bit. I've been handling all with as much strength as I can muster, but now, today? To add a child vomiting is just what I needed to make me crazy for sure!! Tomorrow we had big plans, plans involving plays and friends and NOW? I just don't know.
Hello Crazy. Nice to see you. It's been a long time. You're just as lovely as you used to be.
Monday, February 18, 2008
- It may be surprising, but I do not like change. I guess I should say I like gradual changes-crave them, in fact- but not fast paced changes. Like going from my nice comfortable "old shoe" mini-van to my dad's big truck. This will be an adjustment for me. The girls will love it. It will challenge me.
- We hung around the house all day today waiting for an insurance adjuster that never planned on coming. I just wonder how long this whole song and dance is going to take. I am also hoping all of my nerves don't snap at once. I'm not impressed with Farm Bureau yet, but I hope they surprise me with excellent service.
- Mom got moved to the physical rehab floor today. She is doing a nervous dance for the changes she will face in the morning. They work with her all day and we can't see her until after 4:30. She is going to be very tired. The rehab will last two weeks and will equip her on how to get around independently. It will be a whole new world for her. We have tried to promote her independence-but we still did alot for her. She will dance to a whole new song on this floor.
- "Aunt Flo" is making up for skipping a visit last month. I'm just doing a happy dance counting my blessings and longing for something more absorbant than super plus.
- Erik and I really did some super cleaning today. Our house is clean but in about 24 hours it will be right back where we started from. Tis the cleaning dance. Similar to the laundry dance.
- When it's time to sit it out or dance...I suppose I always choose to dance. However, I am dancing as fast as I can and I don't even know the minuet!
Sunday, February 17, 2008
My dear hit a deer and now my wonderful paid for van is a "no-go". This is terrible timing since all that is going on is going on. Sometimes life hands you a lemon, other times life hands you a whole bowl of them. We are managing. We really enjoy lemonade. Erik is safe and that is what really matters. It could have been so much worse. Everything could be worse-I just keep repeating that to myself a hundred times a day. This too shall pass. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger...come on, leave me a good endurance cliche' in the comments-it will encourage me or make me laugh and both are all good right now!! Anyway, my prayer life has improved considerably. I think I shall go have a nap before my shift at the hospital.
Enjoy your Sunday!!
Friday, February 15, 2008
...but I love clean clothes?
Valentine's party was really fun for the kiddos. I was able to help a bit with clean-up but not to the extent I usually do. I generally enjoy the cleaning up part mostly because it is a smaller group of workers and that makes it fun. However, I still had a trip to see my stepfather in the hospital and then home for a bit before going to see mom. His room was empty when we arrived which was quite startling. He was moved to long-term care. He still has to regain use of his left side before he will be able to return home. Our dream is that he and Mom get better at the same time. When they both get home it will be a whole lot harder!
It is almost 4 and I had hoped to do some laundry. Laundry or nap...just kidding-I know it is laundry. My husband is wonderful and he will pitch in to help anywhere I need it-I just hate for him to have to do it all. He works really hard all day and he has been taking care of lots of extra stuff as well.
Thanks to my two non-hugging friends who hugged me today. You know who you are! I was glad not to have to fake too much with people who know me and what all is going on. It is so good to have friends who allow me to just be there and let me be somewhat unchatty. Tis a rare thing for me but it does happen sometimes. Thank you fellow bloggers who are keeping me in your thoughts and prayers.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
It feels like it is 2 AM. I am sooo exhausted. We've had another big day minus the housework so I am behind on alot. Something had to give. Tomorrow is our Valentine's party for the homeschool group-totally ridiculous to celebrate something that is over, but I am so glad to have it and that I did not have to plan it that I am content to celebrate that which is over. We made our boxes this morning and got all of our valentine's signed. My children are very excited. They really look forward to the social things our group does together. They(the social gatherings-not my kids-heehee) are a bit large for my taste but I paint on a smile and put on my worker hat because it isn't about me.
I miss my church family like crazy. I have missed two services and two Bible study meetings. I am trying desperately to keep up with my Bible study, but it loses alot without the video accompaniement. I could have gone today-but I needed to have at least a few hours of downtime plus we had Valentine things that had to be done. My kids were not happy to miss it either.
Teen attitude is really dominating our household via our middle child. It is very annoying. The self-centeredness is identical to the toddler years. AND, I know my child has a pretty low dose of it because we are quick with the attitude checks. By the time Erika joins her in hormone land, I hope Kayla has leveled off. Otherwise, Toby's crate may be pulling double duty.
Things are really tough with Mom. We are now moving into day 3 and they are pulling back the pain meds and pushing the "doing stuff". It is a very tough transition. This whole ordeal is a marathon not a sprint. Mom is really doped up and gets angered easily. She has been in almost constant pain for two years and is now dealing with the absolute worst pain of her life. There have been some ugly moments. There will be more.
Thank you God for being the lifter of my head. Please help me be an source of love and comfort to all of those around me. Please help love to be my guide. Please keep my sibling "differences" out of the way of loving and supporting them. Put more "fun" in our dysfunction and eliminate the "dys". Thank you Father for giving me friends who will bathe me in prayer at a time when I desperately need it. Thank you God for a husband who loves me(helps me, holds me) and supports me helping my family. Thank you God for kids that "get" it and pray for the people in their lives who are hurting and healing. Thank you God for health care workers that are tired and overworked but keep on giving more anyway. Bless their lives, hearts and families. Pull our family together in such a way that we unite and bless our dear mother. Praise the name of Jesus, amen.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Today was better than yesterday and I anticipate tomorrow will go better as well. The nights are hard and so I am saying extra prayers for rest for my mom and my sis who is spending the night with her for a few days.
The best observation I can make about health care workers is that they are wonderful. It just has to be a job you love or you could never make it. You really do see the worst in people. We all want our loved ones to be the only patient. I have tried to remember we are not the only ones and to be helpful and understanding whenever possible. It is also helpful to have a room that smells good. It makes the workers happy to come in and smell something good for a change.
Also, this not such a lovely observation-most health care workers I have encountered have really bad breath. It is because they never have time to eat properly. This is especially true of Doctors and other higher ups. Apparently the more money you make, the less likely you are to get to eat. If I ever go to med school, once I become a doc-I'm packing some breath mints.
I am home this morning getting caught up on a bit of laundry and some household stuff. I will be the afternoon shift at the hospital after I go to the other end of the earth to check up on my stepdad.
I wanted to think up something cute, witty, or profound to say on here. Alas, I am an empty vessel.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
All went well today. Much better than hospital surgeries are supposed to go. Everything happened early. I did not get there before Mom was taken to surgery. The surgery seemed to go much quicker than it was supposed to as well. We were all there to see her when she got back into the room and it was a shocking moment for all of us-her pain was very extreme and it took a bit before they got her comfortable. It was very emotional. So hard to watch someone suffer knowing you can't do anything at all to alleviate it.
It has been an extremely emotional day. I am drained. Completely and totally. Continue to keep our family in your prayers. Thank you.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Because there are too many topics rambling around in my brain. I will touch briefly on each one.
- My mom is back in the hospital. She got to come home Thursday afternoon but had to return late Saturday night. The surgery Thursday was not successful at restoring bloodflow. At least 3 of her toes and part of her foot are believed to be dead or dying. They will assess again tomorrow. Amputation probably will be necessary. That is such an awful word. Seems like in this day and age it should not have to happen. She has a positive attitude about it-she is talking about prosthetic limbs like some people plan supper. I think this is when it truly hit me how much pain she has been in with a foot that just would not heal.
- I am up to season 5 in Gilmore Girls and now that Luke and Loralei are finally together...well it just isn't the same. And Rory-take some shape-enough with the dumb decisions already. Good golly I like the other seasons better.
- We did have a fun day Saturday. We spent some time at the library. We had a nice lunch with a really cute mailman. We went to JCPenney and Toys 'R Us to kill the few dollars we had left from Christmas. Then we grocery shopped at Sam's and the local grocery.(I buy all of our meat there because they package it like I like and have good sales.) The kids didn't love the grocery part-but they do appreciate it when our pantry is stocked.
- I spent the morning with my mom today instead of at church. I read my Bible study to her as I did it. Then we napped together. The hospital is a very boring place.
- My sister came to the hospital in time to allow me to attend care group after church. Today was the day for me to tell my "story". This meant I was to trace my family tree and tell about my life and my spiritual life. I guess I am thankful for having an even remotely positive life because, quite frankly, I have had a very hard life! The saddest part was knowing how many bad things I skipped over for the sake of time and dignity. My family is so steeped with sin and the scars are deep. It encompasses many generations and defies "prettying up". It is amazing how God has used me at all. I am grateful to be delivered from generational sin and also my own rebellious sin. God is good.
- Did you get the license number of the truck that hit me? Not actually, figuratively. I feel like I have been hit with one. I have a double helping of the cold going around. Yippee! Time to snuggle up with my two best friends, Vicks and Nyquil. Thank goodness tomorrow is Monday!!
Saturday, February 09, 2008
It is Saturday and it is all mine mine mine. I am resisting the urge to crawl up in the bed in a fetal position and sleep. Instead I plan to have a fun day with my kids. We haven't had one in a while so we are long overdue. I hope all of you are having a fun day as well. Seize the day!
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Two hospitals today in two different albeit neighboring cities. No fun for anyone. My mom underwent a routine angiogram which concluded with a routine outpatient surgery procedure. However, with Mom's medical issues, it makes everything more complicated. She has severe diabetes, heart disease (congestive heart failure) and damaged kidneys. We all brace ourselves pretty much all the time. My mom is still young at 64 and it is very depressing to her to deal with all of this. Today, though, she was great. Good attitude, quick bounce back time and she is still in good spirits. Most of that is because the staff at L. hospital is so loving and caring. I was there almost all day and they are just so kind. You can tell they love their jobs. What a blessing. She even has doctors that are caring and don't talk down to their patients.
Next hospital is a little country hospital in M.C. I considered popping in on you Philip and Sara, but it had been a very long day! My step dad will probably be there for quite a few more days. Since he is 20 years older than my mom, he is not a spring chicken at 84 but he is made of scrap iron so we anticipate a full recovery. I tried to help him to his chair the other day and found myself merely drug behind him. For only having one side functioning right now, he can still move pretty quickly.
In the TMI category. One should always look away and stay looking away until people in hospital gowns are fully in the bed and all covered up before looking back. Undergarments are apparently prohibited in hospitals. (I strongly disagree with this policy!) I have been flashed by both my mom and my stepdad today because I looked back 1 second too soon. Age is not kind to the nether regions my friends. :shudder:
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
It has sure been a full day. I knew it would be. Yesterday was too. Got alot accomplished. I will sleep well when that time comes. Tomorrow is a full day as well. Fun times.
I have made some decisions about my life. I am a pessimist-but I prefer to call it being a realist. All pessimists do. As such, I am hardest on myself but also pretty hard on others. Especially those I share a household with. As the girls get older, I am just terrified every day of the impact that is having on them. Sure I give lots of praise and rewards and affection-but is it balanced?? I like to think it is but I will no longer be merely "hopeful" about it. From now on, I will intentionally spend extra time making sure they know how loved and accepted they are on an INDIVIDUAL basis. I tend to lecture and praise as a group and I think this has been a bad thing. I am bringing back the bedtime "stories" and prayers. It may not be stories-but it will be individual time. I don't recall why we stopped but we did.
I am also going to schedule a time once a week to visit my mom. Her health continues to decline and this is something I should have been doing all along. Today I was just going to spend a couple of hours with her and she latched onto me with all 8 arms. It's because I never visit. That just isn't fair nor is it honoring her. I don't visit my dad much either-I will work on that too.
While I consider our family homelife to be pretty good, it centers way too much on TV. We do have sit down meals together every night (me and the girls most every meal) and exceptions to that are few and far between. However, beyond that, there is mostly watching TV together. I am just not OK with that. We own 10,000 games and by golly we are gonna put some wear on them.
These are my Lent changes. I thought very hard about what to give up and decided I needed to make changes more than I needed to give something up. I hope that honors God in the same way a sacrifice would. I also plan to make those forever changes-not just for Lent-but Lent is the catalyst.
Tonight, after a long hard day, I went to the bathroom and pulled my hair back into a ponytail. I pulled the holder down real far, about 4 inches from the end of my hair. Then I got my SPECIAL sharp scissors and cut my hair. I can't find a mirror, so I'm hoping for the best.(A hand held mirror to see the back!) I grew it out as long as I could stand to-but I hate my hair long. It annoys me and it looks stringy. Soon I will be getting it colored and he can trim up my mistakes. Curly hair is very forgiving, so I am not too worried. I feel like a new woman. It is still shouder length in the front so it is all good. Those of you who know me well know this is nothing new. It had been too long since I had snipped. Tension breaker-had to be done.
Monday, February 04, 2008
I had a very blessed day tacking another year onto my life-o-meter. Sandy assured me I did not look older. Many people at church gave me birthday hugs and well wishes. My care group had cards, cake and the birthday song. (We also had thanksgiving dinner for our meal which was sooooo yummy!) We got home to a lovely gift bag on the door full of wonderfulness. (THANKS MIA!!) My dad came over with the customary cash birthday gift that was much appreciated. We had birthday cake and a one hour visit. (My dad always visits for one hour only-any longer and we assume his car turns into a pumpkin.) We had a very nice visit. We talked about the night I was born, my grandpa, politics and money. My dad once again admitted he had made alot of mistakes in his life and wished he had learned some lessons earlier. He talks about this frequently. I think he wrestles with some guilt and regret. I invited him to church to learn one more lesson life would like to teach him. He chuckled and declined. I don't press. Someday he might come around, maybe. I keep praying.
Erik made steaks for supper which was totally awesome. He and the girls watched the super bowl. I watched Gilmore Girls-alone, totally awesome. It was a great day.
Tonight we are having some friends over for supper. Soemthing I have been wanting to do for a long time. As the devil tries to convince me I am not plugged into church-I have decided to fight back by doing some proactive things to build relationships. This will include forging relationships with people through fellowship. This seems to be working better than being depressed that I don't fit in.
This is going to be a tough week as I have lots of commitments made and have also found out-yesterday-that my stepfather had a stroke and is in the hospital for ar least two weeks. One of my good friends had a wreck Saturday night-her 16 year old was driving-and is in ICU(The friend not the daughter, daughter has a broken ankle). They were hit head-on by a woman doped up on prescription drugs-her fourth DUI(INSERT MUCH ANGER). Another new friend is undergoing a lumpectomy. There is much to do to serve this week. Enough to keep the devil quiet for the week.
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Tomorrow, the world celebrates a big day with me. Most people in these parts will sit in front of their TV's and eat really bad junk food, in my honor. Okay, it really isn't in my honor but if your birthday just so happens to fall on a "holiday"-don't you get to claim said holiday as well?
But the real celebratin' started yesterday when I got DOCTORAL confirmation that I am not pregnant. Just old and beginning to show it. COMFORTING, I tell ya. Hubby just gave me a funny card about how old I am. heehee. So funny. I'm only 35-until tomorrow, so I'll just round up. 36. It does seem old and then again, I don't feel older than I have ever been-but I do feel smarter every year.
So, enjoy your youngness if you are younger than me-and hahahaha if you are older than me. I don't have to make supper tonight(a day early) because my in-laws spoil me. That is a good and wonderful tradition. Hopefully my daughter who is enjoying a Hannah Montana 3D concert movie with a friend will be home in time to celebrate with us-but I doubt it!!
Friday, February 01, 2008
This is my tag by Hula-girl. I am supposed to come up with something to represent each type of intelligence. This is a hard meme so I am not tagging anyone-but I sooooo want you to do it if you have the time. I would really be interested in what Greg's wife would come up with!! So here it is, ENJOY! Answer the riddle in my comments!!
“I notice that you use plain, simple language, short words and brief sentences. That is the way to write English - it is the modern way and the best way. Stick to it; don't let fluff and flowers and verbosity creep in. When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them - then the rest will be valuable. They weaken when they are close together. They give strength when they are wide apart. An adjective habit, or a wordy, diffuse, flowery habit, once fastened upon a person, is as hard to get”
(I heart plays-someday I'll be in one.)
(What might have been had I not met a cetain someone who domesticated me like a short haired cat.)
(This used to be my dream but the fact that I have a black thumb and only enjoy a calm hand-led horse ride changes things a bit.)
Master gardener living by the lake going on a horseback ride with her dog following close behind.
(I love math and a good riddle, even though I usually can't figure them out unless I've seen them before.)
"Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?"