Monday, February 25, 2008

Miss Understood

I just put in a call to nominate my husband for sainthood for putting up with me. I need to make another call for the people who put up with me at church and also read this blog. Sometimes the things I say on here come across very scathing, ie. my last post. That is never the heart or mindset behind it. I try very hard to be thoughtful of what I say and do both written and spoken. However, I am ill-equipped at it. I read that whole post and thought it communicated my frustrations very well. In fact, it did. What was less clear was that I was frustrated for feeling that way. The battle with myself for getting my feelings hurt over it. The battle with myself for feeling angry, on one hand feeling justified but on the other hand knowing I was not giving my church leadership a "fair shake". I am angry for not feeling heard or validated, but I also don't think this weekend was about that. I don't think anyone meant me to feel that way or even treat me in a way that would make me feel that way. Hence the small potatoes reference. The whole issue is-as all issues always are- wrong expectations. Me expecting the workshop would cover certain things. The hosts expecting their info would be appreciated. To see it from their point of view, I was an insensitive sot who did not appreciate the time and planning that went into the workshop. An angle I did not consider-so I made that a little worse by blogging about it.

I guess I will try to censor myself on here a little better from now on. No one else is capable of reading a blog from my perspective. We each read from our own perspective, right or wrong. So I guess venting on here isn't always the best idea when people I love and care deeply about might read it and be offended where no offense is intended. It all comes down to selfishness on my part, thinking too much of myself and my hurt. Satan is fun like that, causing us to be offended and angry. His goal is ALWAYS to anger, then divide and conquer.

So, I apologize to anyone who read the last post and was offended. I would love to delete it. The first one I deleted was probably nicer. I don't know. I'm not deleting it. IT will serve as a reminder of being a little too self absorbed. It reminds others that I am not perfect (I know you are all gasping!). I screw up. Often. Really often. My journey is full of things done right and also things done wrong. I am grateful the blood of Christ covers the sin-intentional or not. I would sure be in sad sorry shape if that was not the case.

Thank you God for people who love me enough to call me out when I do wrong. Thank you God for friendships strong enough to get past it.

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