Monday, Monday

1. I am not really upset upset that anyone read my deleted post. I did not know about readers and how they worked-but it is all good. Blogging is my best healthiest place to vent. I am someone who works through things by talking and writing. I have a few friends who don't realize that about me and think I am the most scatterbrained person in the world because what is the most important thing one day is not so important the next. OR, I make a huge life altering decision after a long conversation with someone. That's me, I talk big decisions out. When I make up my mind-it is usually very thoroughly thought out and discussed with someone else(or a couple of someone elses) and then crystallized with a writing or a pro/con list done in my head. It works for me.


2. I am far too busy to be blogging right now but it is helping to clear the cobwebs on my brain today. Plus it makes me feel good to read your comments after a tiring day. Remember, I am married to a man that uses up most of his words at work. He also does not enjoy conversational "sparring". We mostly just hurt each other's feelings. A good example of our differing conversational needs: On the way home from the workshop this weekend, I could have talked about 75 hours concerning all that happened. Erik was sort of glazed over. He had no words left. He did not wish to listen to anything else at all about church stuff. Possibly ever again. On the other hand, he wanted to talk about van shopping and he could have talked 75 hours concerning that topic but I did not care because my feelings needed tending. We are as different as night and day. The things that we feel passionate about are as different as night and day. It is fun.


3. I am frustrated with church right now. Here is my dilemna. If I am included in decision making-meaning my opinion does indeed matter and carry some weight, then I expect to be HEARD and listened to when I voice that opinion. I want to be validated. HOWEVER, if my opinion is of no importance or little importance-meaning decisions will be made and my opinion, while somewhat important, will have absolutely no weight at all regarding how decsions are made DO NOT SOLICIT IT!!!!! It would be like Erik and I sitting down with our children to plan a vacation. Encouraging them to tell us what they would like to do and really asking them lots of questions about how and why and getting them all stoked about what they want to do. They would each be really passionate about why and maybe even discussing apart from us about where to go and what to do. Then calling them back to the table and telling them we have made the decision. We are doing a couple's vacation and they are staying with grandparents. That is how I feel about our church right now. Don't include me in a decision that I am really not included in. I don't have time or energy to get all caught up in something and then later be dismissed. I am now full of resentment because I don't feel listened to. I feel like I juggled ten million things to go away and spent alot of money on really bad meals to "HELP" with something where the help was both unaccepted and unwanted.


4. Wow, number three lets me know I am not over this yet. The problem is that I love my church and everyone in it. It isn't perfect but I don't want to leave or go somewhere else(usually). I want to help when they need help. I want to encourage and support. I can be as vocal or unvocal as they need me to be. I could handle them saying, "This is how it is going to be and you don't get a vote in it." That is how much I trust our leadership. That is how full my submission to them is. So it really hurts to feel manipulated in such a way as to make me "think" I am helping make a decision that has already been made OR WILL BE MADE by an already pre-selected few. It insults me. That bothers me in a huge way because our church is small and all of "these people" aren't "these people", they are close personal friends. Friends I would and could call upon any time for any need. Friends who have gone to bat for me and held us and cried with us through big stuff in our lives.

I'm going to take a shower. And pray some more. And tell myself to get over this already, it isn't that big a deal. I'm hoping at some point my emotions will hear me say that over and over and finally hear it!! My head knows this is not a big deal-in fact, it is small potatoes. Very small potatoes. Feelings, listen-SMALL POTATOES!!!