Thursday, February 28, 2008

Ego Maniacs

You're right, I am talking about you. All of you and me. Anyone you can think of, that is who I am talking about. Why are we all so selfish? Even in our selflessness, there is still a niggle in the back of our minds that there will be something good come out of it. We are completely self absorbed. I am right there in the top ten (of course this totally stokes my ego-I'm one of the best!). Basically, I think I am the number one self absorbed but I thought it might sound a bit conceited, so I instead went for top ten. I predict you are having one of two thoughts here-1. I am far more self absorbed than her, I can think of all sorts of unselfish things she does, so I win-I AM more self-absorbed. OR 2. Yes, she is a bit selfish. I'm glad I don't suffer with that the way she does. Either way, you totally proved my point making me right so I win. (That is very important to me.)

The Bible requires us to die to ourselves to go with Christ and I gotta say-I am desperately trying to do that. I want to go through life without pretense. I want to good and not expect there to be a return on that. I want to overlook a wrong for no other reason than God tells me to. I want to put other people first and that bring me joy instead of tallies on my imaginary scorecard. AND THEN...this part of me completely is at odds with the other side of me that wants to be noticed, to be known for the good I do, the part of me that wants to encourage the good I see in others. My favorite Bible verse is Hebrews 3:13 "But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Does needing that encouragement just feed the selfish monster? Does feeling good about who I am prove I love myself too much? Does feeling bad about who I am make me less selfish ore more selfish? Does loving this blog foster some sort of self absorption? Who do I think I am thinking other people will want to read about me and my life? I write on here mostly for myself with the thought that one day it might be precious to my children. I also like the fact that some of my friends will read this and understand me better. I also have made friends through this blog-people who totally relate to me. I have even made a few enemies I am sure. So why do I blog? Is is just some sort of self focus? Does this make me self-absorbed? I like to think this blog helps me sort things out and be a better person. Why do I have to do that in such a public way? Does that make me selfish, needy, insecure or all of these things?

These are the things I am wrestling with right now. How do you wrestle with the selfish monster?

Gee, I really hope I get alot of comments. That will prove I really do matter and all will be right with my ego. However, if I get no comments, that will merely prove everyone out there in blogland is trying to teach me a about me. Win/win. Sad/sad.
Self love/self-loathe. Sunrise/sunset. I can't wait to see my padded white room and get my stylin' backwards jacket.


thruchildeyes said...

It's a constant battle for God to keep the "What can I give..?" question before me, rather than "What can I get?"

Jen, Fred, Jennifer said...

Oh Heavens!!!! Selfish Monster and I are forever battling!!!!! My whole surgery was a several year long battle with myself......I still feel guilty about it, and yet.......

This is why God's love is the greatest gift we will ever recieve.......despite our flaws, imperfections, selfish nature He loves us!! Every hair on our head He loves, (even the ones that are colored or permed or straightened or whatever) He loves us right down to that hair!!!!