Friday, June 08, 2012

Face With A Side of Face

I hate to be wrong.  It sucks.  The only thing worse than being wrong is being wrong in front of a whole bunch of people.  However, I don't hate it as much as I used to.  AND, lately, it happens alot and I kind of just admit and move on...I twelve step it.  I try to promptly admit it, fix it if I can and move on.  The worst thing about it is that I am the kind of person who lives out my mistakes are usually loud too.

Lately, I am developing a filter.  I think it is something to do with sanctification.  I am a better person than I used to be.  I am growing wiser with each passing day.  I do catch myself right in the middle of being wrong...and sometimes willingly start backpedaling my way back.   Sometimes though, I am kicking and screaming a little on the inside.  And then of course, there are the times I miss it altogether and God or someone else has to draw my attention to it.

I certainly don't think I have it all together.  In fact, I don't even have a fifth of it together.  BUT, it comforts me to know that I am improving with age.  I am not still making all the same mistakes that I used to make.  I am learning about myself, about other people, and about God.  I am better at receiving grace and also dishing it out.  I don't seem to be letting things fester...but I am not exactly 'slow to anger' either.  I look forward to that though!  So does my family.

I just thought I needed to stop and reflect a little today.  I give alot of credit for my personal growth to this blog.  I was angry and hurtful when I started writing this blog.  Some people applauded my expressions of anger, some people spoke out against it, others listened to the words but also heard my heart, and all of those things affirmed me in a different way and helped me heal.  I am grateful to the life community God has blessed me with-in real life and virtually!  Honesty is the best policy...but it requires alot of finish work so it doesn't wound.  It isn't mean to harm, but to heal.

I am so thankful for my little corner of the internet.  The real me and the virtual me are almost completely the same person now.  It used to be that I was fake nice in person and then virtually scathing...I think I am almost down to only one face now.  It feels good.  Keeping up with two faces is exhausting.