Anger

Anger is simply an unmet expectation. I am very angry today. Someone in my life chose not to stand up for something I thought worthy of standing up for. It really sucks. What makes it suck the most is that I truly expected a different outcome. I had prayed about it and given it over to God.

The hard truth here is that I cannot control anyone but myself. I know that. I try really hard not to be disappointed by the behaviors of other people. What other people do is really not my business at all-we each have our own choices in life and my own choices are a full time job.

Today caught me off-guard. I am proud of myself for being able to pray and then let it go many weeks ago. However, today is fresh pain. It is so disappointing to have faith in someone that lets you down. We all do it and of course the only person I can have faith in is not a person at all. Everyone else will let me down, willingly and sometimes unwillingly.

So, now I decide what to do with this anger. Shall I use it to punish this person in my life? Hold it against them forevermore? Store it away and let it fester bringing up the festering ooze at a later time that suits me? Add it to the imaginary scoreboard where I always am keeping track of wins and losses.

I think I will choose to feel the pain. To endure the hurt without letting it control me. Then I will forgive. It will not be instant. I will pretend to have already done so and pray for the day it is true to come quickly. I will brace myself for the future unmet expectations that will result from this caving in decision. When you sell out, you do so completely and it will always be so. Every bit of ourselves that we give over makes it that much harder to stand against next time. As I feel the pain and hurt of this, I have decided to go ahead and feel it in advance for next time. Then next time, I will be able to detach a little bit more and it will hurt a teensy bit less.

I don't want to sell out here and let my anger win. Because if I let my anger win again, it will just make it that much harder to stand up against it the next time. My anger has already won too many times and completely skewed the scoreboard enough already. I choose to forfeit the game...hopefully from now on. This merry-go-round ride isn't fun any more. I'm stepping off now.

Summertime!

Wow, it has been a doozie of a week AND, it's only Tuesday. I am trying to keep us on track for finishing up our school work at the same time we finish our legally required number of days. I hate going over because we do many things in the summer that can definitely be considered school hours. I don't want to burn my kids out on school-I want them to always have a love for learning.

I am also planning out our summer activities, getting the kids into an alternate camp since our church camp plans fell through thanks to my inability to follow protocol...LOL. Actually, I didn't know protocol but I did not ask enough questions either. Oh well, there is always next year. So, tomorrow we sign up for camp choice number two. Good news is that I won't have to go to a camp this year. ( : I am reaching an age where I really enjoy sleeping in my own bed. I don't even sleep well at hotels. I guess I am just getting set in my ways.

In addition to camp though, we try to stay as busy as we can through the summer. We have many things we try to plug into along with pajama days where we just lay around and read or watch TV all day. Summertime is awesome!!

I gotta get off of here and get some sleep now, we have a busy day tomorrow-full of papier mache' and country ham. Now that is a combo you don't see very often!

Have a wonderful Wednesday...I sure hope it brings us some sunshine!

Fever! Guilt!

I have SPRING FEVER in a huge way. I am so ready to be done with this school year. I can feel it in my children as well. We are all eager to get into the great outdoors...or just have lazy days. May 13 is our target date for being finished with school. May the 18th is our back-up plan just in case we have not quite finished. I don't know if I can stand it if we are not done on the 13th though. We have worked through many holidays and breaks. We have made up work on days when we missed school due to 'take grandparents to the doctor' days (among other things). SOON, SOON, SOON!

Today at church, we had lessons about money, stuff and giving. If I am not careful, I will compare myself to others and feel defeated. I try to have mentors in this area without having the guilt that sometimes goes with that. I have failed in that regard today and felt guilty and ashamed most of the day. I don't think that is what God's plan is. I think it is His desire for giving to be something that blesses us in a big way-something we plan and look forward to.

No one has tried to make me feel guilty today, I just tend toward that emotion. It draws me like moths to a light. So, at some point today, I just shut it down. I compared the way I am with my STUFF now versus the way I used to be. I hold on looser. I give more often and am happy to do so. I don't strive so much to sell our things to make money...I used to be quite the consignment queen. I don't think consigning is bad, but it was a bit of an obsession with me. I was so concerned with resale value, the kids often didn't even wear things more than once or twice. Now we just make a point to have fewer clothes and pass things on to others when we outgrow them. We are consuming less and also wearing things more. We seldom buy things new. I have found a happy medium with clothing.

Curriculum was my other big vice. I have leveled off a bunch in that area too! I no longer buy things we MIGHT use. In fact, I have made a conscious decision to use what we already have and occasionally pass on to someone else what we have and don't use. I do sell some curriculum as well. That is because it is so stinking expensive that we couldn't homeschool if we did not recoup some costs here and there. I have no guilt about that.

So, I have wasted most of the day today feeling crappy about some of the ways we waste money. Wasting a day is just as bad, yes? I finally allowed myself some grace and will allow the conviction I feel to certainly change the way I think. Just like with my weight, I want my changes to be slow and steady. Slow and steady changes that change the person I am seem to stick. Changes to appease my guilt seldom do. I will forgive myself for being merely a work in progress instead of the picture of perfection. ( ;

Have you had your daily dose of guilt?

OK, this is the last of my wildflower adventure. It almost feels like you were with me on the hike! I hope you have enjoyed our lessons and you go into your woods/yard and look for these. I have constantly been reviewing these with the girls-to keep it etched on all of our memory banks because if you don't use it, you WILL lose it.

As before, these images are still the property of Kentucky Wildflowers(copyright 2010). There are so many more flowers there! We have only delved slightly into the early spring bloomers! If you are not from KY, find a website that features your state flowers. It is fun!


Bugle. This is just as common as the Henbit. They seem to travel in the same pack. I actually thought they were the same, but Henbit has spaces between blooms and is a bit pinker. this is a deep purple and blooms all over the place on the stem. Eventually the blooms go all the way to the ground. I think we have more of this in our yard than we do grass.

Mouse-eared Chickweed. There are other varieties of the chickweed, but what they all have in common is that from a distance it looks like 10 petals, but as you study the flower, you realize it is only 5 deeply lobed petals. These are really pretty up close. From a distance, just weedy looking. I pulled several of these out of my asparagus this morning.

Yellow Wood Sorrel. This is another one that is going crazy in my yard right now. In my flower beds, asparagus bed and just the yard in general. These are also purple. They feature heart shaped clover-looking leaves that are reddish-purpley on the underside when mature. Looks alot like the hairy buttercup, but the heart shaped leaves tell the identity. (and the lack of shiny)

Blue Phlox. This is so common in flower beds in our area. This is a tall version of the little clumps of creeping phlox you see bloomed out on people's hillsides and landscaping. It is an excellent ground cover because it is hearty and native to KY. This blue phlox is randomly in ditches and fields. Such a beautiful surprise. Our woods is full of them. If only they lived longer!

Spring Beauty. These are aptly named since they are early spring bloomers. They feature beautiful little stripes on the petals that point to their center. This is to attract pollinators. It is tiny and delicate and easily dismissed as a weed like the chickweed.

Rue Anemone. This one is Erika's favorite. It is pretty and so are the leaves-they are slightly mitten shaped. (VERY similar to poison ivy side leaves!) The girls doing our hike said these are as common as dirt. Sadly, not in our yard. If we come across some, we will incorporate them into our flower bed.

More Wildflowers!

Pictures belong to: Kentucky Wildflowers(copyright 2010)

Larkspur. This dandy little wildflower is gorgeously purple but also has a spur behind the flower. I love that. It's like a cowboy wildflower. Notice the darker purple stem looking thing is the spur...the stem is green. YEE-HAW!

Recurved Trillium. I would not even have thought of this as a flower. The middle is very maroonish and turns a very plain brown after it blooms. After observing it closely, I find it fascinating. I like to pronounce the 'c' in that word, making it fa-skin-ating which sounds much more exciting. I particularly love how the green leaves look-it reminds me of Hostas.

Mayapple. The flower on these is very rare indeed. We passed many 'crops' of them and saw nothing. It is only when the plant is forked that it flowers. This entire plant is poisonous except for the fruit that flower turns into. Only God could make non-poisonous fruit from a poisonous plant. Oh, by the way, you probably don't want to eat the fruit beyond a taste though. It has a laxative effect, at least that is what one of the gentlemen on our hike said.

Henbit. I have tons of this in my yard. Really, tons. Apparently it is very prolific. We did not see this on our hike, I just thought some of my fellow KY folk might enjoy knowing what that is.

Jacob's Ladder. You can just ever so slightly see the leaves at the bottom right. They look very ferny sort of like a ladder...hence the name. The flower is so delicate. Why can't I trade in my Henbit for some Jacob's Ladder? Where is the wildflower swap shop?

I find it amazing that more people have not added these wildflowers to their flower beds. These are native to our state and would absolutely thrive. It is now my gardening goal...starting with some butterfly weed known as milkweed. My oldest child dreams of raising a 'family' of Monarchs.

Wildflower Pics!

Pictures belong to : (Copyright 2010) Kentucky Wildflowers

Hairy Buttercup. These are small flowers that grow very close to the ground and can be found almost anywhere. They have a sparkle to their petals that makes them look very shiny in the sunlight. Poisonous-cause allergic reactions in some people and are dangerous for livestock to eat. Alot of wildflowers are poisonous. I think that is kind of nifty because that keeps wild animals from eating them. God means to show off and nature has built in rules to prove it!

Fleabane. This is all over the field across the street from us. It is beautiful in this picture. It looks like daisies a bit. I love that the petals are fringe. They are very pinkish/purpley when they first bloom. As they get older, they look white.

False Garlic. In fact, has nothing to do with garlic...some say it is because the root looks like garlic. We did not dig any up to see, but Erika would have! It is much loved by the black and white zebra swallowtail-her favorite butterfly. These are kind of tall(came up to my the bottom of my calf) to be so tiny. I'm not sure I would have even noticed them all that much if not for the butterflies all over them.

Dwarf Crested Iris. It was quite a shock to find out this is a wildflower. It looked so strange just growing in the middle of the woods like it was. I have one of these in my flower bed...I think. I will be much excited for it to bloom out so I can know for sure. But most probably that isn't what I have, since it hasn't bloomed yet and this one is in bloom now.

Butterweed. These wildflowers are everywhere. While they are pretty, I don't think anyone will be digging this up on the side of the road to transplant it to their flower bed!

When you drive by a field that is all bloomed out in yellow flowers right now-chances are very good that it is butterweed.

Wild Flowers!

The girls and I went on a hike Saturday at LBL for Kentucky wild flower identification. It was so wonderful. I am so happy when I can use God's palette as a classroom for my kids. Especially when someone else is doing the teaching and I am learning too. I have done more things wrong in parenting than I feel comfortable mentioning-but two of my big successes are that my kids love to learn and they love meeting new people. They especially enjoy making friends with grown-ups. (Sometimes, that is really awkward for me!!)

The funny thing is that it has been a bad weekend for getting along for them. Sibling rivalry has been at an all time high! However, for two hours, it was wonderful. They were little angels and there was not even a hint of a squabble. We hiked two miles and learned more than our brains will be able to retain.

I can't wait till our next LBL adventure. I am waiting for permission to put some of the pictures from this site on my blog. Be sure and go there to look at these photos, they are just amazing.

Quick Ketch-Up

• Erika got braces put on today. She is so excited to have them.
• Tea Party today. It was lovely. I sipped sweet tea and was surrounded by conservative Christians. All was right in the world for a short time.
• We had alot of fun making our posters for the tea party. Erika drew a tea bag and a pitcher of red kool-aid-the caption was: Which one are you drinking? Kayla and I elaborated the 'Keep the "Change" ' into Keep the "CHANGE", I have enough CENTS to vote you out!
• When watching "LOST" and a real life helicopter flies over during a quiet scene, it will nearly scare you to death. (And maybe cause you to pee a little.)(Drinking tea just does that to a person!)
• We have a new plan for chores/allowances which might actually work. It's bribery and I don't care if it keeps my house clean. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
• I'm up way past my bedtime...I'm off to snooze!

Boring Health Update

Just in case you did not read my post yesterday and click on the link, please do so. Information is the key to so many things we don't understand.

Today, I thought I would update my health journey since I haven't done that in a while.

I'll start with my knees, specifically the right one that gave me so much trouble! It is much better. I believe that my work in aerobics has strengthened the muscles around my knee (above and below) and improved its function exponentially. AND, for that, I am grateful. It is still very stiff in the mornings and if I sit too long. This makes me think the diagnosis of early onset arthritis is accurate.

Current weight loss is still 17 pounds. Easter conquered any new weight loss. Too much food and candy really did me in for a little over a week. I can tell I am smaller now by looking at some pictures taken of me. I'm not 'there' yet, but it is really nice to see some progress for myself. More people are noticing, but they are very discreet and casual with their comments to me which is a blessing. Also though, I am in such a much better place than I have ever been before-the comments won't freak me out and derail me as they have in the past.

Diet changes are great...except when I don't follow it. Then, I crave sugar just like I always have. It is positively insane that it makes such a difference, but it does. Sometimes, I just haven't shopped for fresh fruit and veggies to replenish. That is when I make some really bad choices! As long as that only happens for a day or two, the damage is minimal. Going many days like I did through Easter, sabotage!

Giving up soda. I mostly have not regressed at all. However, I have decided that every once in a while is not going to kill me. I no longer 'CRAVE' it. An occasional soda does not seem to create the insane addiction that regular consumption does. Especially diet coke. I firmly believe there is an added ingredient that makes it (and all sodas) highly addicting. Tea sweetened with sweet 'n low is my splurge and I try to drink water as much as possible...though I do drink more tea. I used sugar for a while because I know that sweet 'n low is bad for me-but I just can't do those calories yet...someday I will make a clean break from artificial sweeteners. One step at a time.

I have muscle definition in my arms-on top, there is still plenty soft squishy underneath. ( : I also have butt muscles...OVERSHARE :0 I like the way exercise makes me feel. My energy level is through the roof, compared to me before exercise. An added bonus I did not expect: my skin is clearer. Go figure. It must be all the sweating!

There you have it, more information than you wanted to know.

Eyes Wide Open

You simply MUST go and read THIS POST!!

It is so true it makes my eyes water. If you have ever known anyone who battled addiction, or have battled it yourself, you need to read it. Even if you don't know anyone on the battlefield, you still should read it.

If you are on the battlefield, read it, believe it and then get thyself some help. Al Anon if it isn't you, AA if it is. They work. They change lives. Lives so desperate for change that only a room full of strangers who have been exactly where you are can help you.

In this day and age of addiction, we need to wake up and realize Satan goes for the throat-AND, he is no respecter of persons-he wants us all equally.

Back to School!

I am going back to school...to be a vet...because they charged me $60+ for about a 10 minute visit and an allergy shot. The do-it-yourselfer in me does not handle this well.

Hello vet school!

What's Cookin'?

For about two weeks I have been without my oven. One day I went to preheat it and F1 blinked at me on the clock screen. Erik and I fiddled with alot of things on it and then went to the internet to see what knowledge it would give us. We made a pact that anything over $100 would be in the not worth it category. One of the potential problems was close to $200. We started watching ads and also doing some comparison shopping online. (What did we do before the internet???) One of the other problems required an ohmmeter-which we do not have-if the oven sensor was the problem(about a $60 fix). We decided to just take a wait and see approach all the while still watching for stoves to go on sale. We even dabbled around with possibly going back to gas. The prices of new stoves is way high these days. Since the stove-top still worked, we just tabled it and discussed it a bit here and there.

Today, after I got back from aerobics there was some urgency to decide-WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? We chatted back and forth, I really did not want to take the plunge for a new one until we tried the sensor thing. Erik did not have the tool he needed and did not want to order a part that might be useless if it didn't fix anything.(Remember-we tried to fix our dishwasher once and it did not work out for us. That really sucked.) I also did not know how much longer I could realistically go without an oven. So today was crunch time.

I decided to try one last thing and it worked like a charm and now my oven works!!

What was that one last thing, you ask? I just happened to think to myself...hmmmmm, sensor. If a sensor got too dirty it would not work. My oven is self cleaning. I have used that function many times, but I have also noticed it does not really work all that great. Since I had planned on cleaning it manually a while back when I cleaned Grandma's, I decided it was worth a shot. And it was. I saved us about $600 with my bright idea. I am really glad, I really don't like getting used to new appliances because I am a total dork that hates change...and spending money.

SSShhhh!

The house is so quiet, except for the dishwasher running. Everyone is asleep but me and they have been since about 9. Erik almost goes to bed when the kids do...sometimes he can make it til 10. I am the only night owl...although Erika and Kayla really want to be. It's cool to be an owl when you are a teen. They are wrong though, the world belongs to the early birds. It would be such a blessing to just wake up at daylight! The days when that happens to me are my favorite days. I just can't seem to pull it off very often. Erik thinks it is because I stay up to late. He is wrong. If I go to bed early, I just lay there and think of everything in the world there is to think of until around midnight when I finally drift off. I'd rather be up and accomplishing something...or accomplishing nothing but leisure time.

I am catching up on my LOST episodes. I had to finally just break down and join Netflix. AND, to my delight, there are tons of things you can play instantly on your computer. AND, among those are the episodes of LOST! YEAH!!!! Life is good. I am halfway through season 4. I thought I was ready for season 5, I was mistaken. I have not watched a single one of the new ones because LOST! is not a show you can come into in the middle...I cannot imagine how they will wrap this story up!

Tomorrow is Friday and I am thankful for this week to end. We have done mostly supplemental things this week instead of plain old school. It is public school spring break and that means lots of wonderful programs at the library. Mostly homeschoolers utilize the programs which kind of makes me laugh. Whatever, whenever, we love the programs our library puts on. They are always fun.

I hope all of you have an awesome Friday as well!!

Book Review: When A Woman Trusts God

Beautiful Things Happen When A Woman Trusts God by Sheila Walsh

Some things in life happen at just the right time. This book came into my life at just the right time, I think it is a God-incidence. Sheila Walsh has struggled with depression her whole life. She also has not ever let it win. She has had doubts on top of doubts about her abilities. She has trusted Him with who He says she is, instead of trusting her own perceptions of what she felt like she could accomplish.

This book would be incredible if it was just her story of overcoming doubts and insecurities, but it doesn't stop there. There are so many people from the Bible who have had similar battles with self doubt. Abraham, Joseph, Samson, Nicodemus and Gideon are just a few of the Biblical people she studies to arrive at the conclusion that God gets the final say on who we are and what we can accomplish IN HIM.

This book has been the final pull that got me away from the deep pit of despair that I had been lingering way too close to. Sometimes things become such a pattern for us that we begin to think of them as normal instead of SICK. It isn't normal to wake up feeling like a failure. It isn't normal to not want to face the day or the people you love. It isn't normal to think the world would be a better place without you in it. It is a sickness that our brains get. Sometimes there are legitimate things in life that happen where these feelings originate, but that doesn't mean it is normal. A firm trust in a God who loves you and has a plan for your life isn't always enough. Sometimes you also need some medication to boost the chemicals in your brain back to normal. Some people even need counseling because their reality has become so skewed. People would think it very odd if you got a physical illness that medication or seeing a doctor would cure and instead you decided to just 'live with it'. Chemicals and emotions gone haywire in your brain are not any different.

Sheila Walsh is so brave for being so honest about depression. It no longer has the stigma that it used to. People have finally come to believe that it is real and it is treatable. Depression doesn't define who you are-that is for God and God alone.

Weakling!

I was prepared for today...or so I thought. I prepared for it mentally and I did great at the giant breakfast buffet at church this morning. It was difficult since there were mostly desserts. I had a tiny amount of sweets and then had a bit of breakfast casserole-mine so I knew what kind of calorie count I was dealing with and fruit. Then I set about socializing and tried to forget there was plenty more if I wanted to go back.

After church, we had a big family meal and I did great until dessert. I started with a small piece of coconut cake (Aunt Pat makes the best ever.) but then went back for the rest of my piece. I also had some wonderful strawberry shortcake. I tried not to be too hard on myself...and then I nibbled on some pieces of ham. Then I declared I must get away from the food and went to hide eggs. Back on track.

After that meal/egg hunt, we moved on to dinner number 2. Easy as pie because I wasn't hungry. After being there for a while, I had a small bowl of fruit salad. Still good. I helped mom tidy up the kitchen a bit and then packed us up some leftovers for lunch tomorrow and supper tonight. Still doing fairly well.

Tonight at supper though, fried chicken, a bit of potato salad and punch bowl cake (a delicious mixture of the devil's food cake, pudding & cool whip). Now I am beyond full and totally regretting this day foodwise.

If you let up your guard, it all goes awry. I will NOT have this kind of day tomorrow or the rest of this week. I must be strong, my weight loss is going to well to be sabotaged by Easter food!! And I thought it would be the candy that did me in...anyone want some Easter candy?