Thursday, April 29, 2010

Anger

Anger is simply an unmet expectation. I am very angry today. Someone in my life chose not to stand up for something I thought worthy of standing up for. It really sucks. What makes it suck the most is that I truly expected a different outcome. I had prayed about it and given it over to God.

The hard truth here is that I cannot control anyone but myself. I know that. I try really hard not to be disappointed by the behaviors of other people. What other people do is really not my business at all-we each have our own choices in life and my own choices are a full time job.

Today caught me off-guard. I am proud of myself for being able to pray and then let it go many weeks ago. However, today is fresh pain. It is so disappointing to have faith in someone that lets you down. We all do it and of course the only person I can have faith in is not a person at all. Everyone else will let me down, willingly and sometimes unwillingly.

So, now I decide what to do with this anger. Shall I use it to punish this person in my life? Hold it against them forevermore? Store it away and let it fester bringing up the festering ooze at a later time that suits me? Add it to the imaginary scoreboard where I always am keeping track of wins and losses.

I think I will choose to feel the pain. To endure the hurt without letting it control me. Then I will forgive. It will not be instant. I will pretend to have already done so and pray for the day it is true to come quickly. I will brace myself for the future unmet expectations that will result from this caving in decision. When you sell out, you do so completely and it will always be so. Every bit of ourselves that we give over makes it that much harder to stand against next time. As I feel the pain and hurt of this, I have decided to go ahead and feel it in advance for next time. Then next time, I will be able to detach a little bit more and it will hurt a teensy bit less.

I don't want to sell out here and let my anger win. Because if I let my anger win again, it will just make it that much harder to stand up against it the next time. My anger has already won too many times and completely skewed the scoreboard enough already. I choose to forfeit the game...hopefully from now on. This merry-go-round ride isn't fun any more. I'm stepping off now.

2 comments:

E.T.'s Mom said...

I'm sorry for your disappointment and pain.

Hula Girl at Heart said...

Hmm. A merry-go-round I have ridden many times. I wish you serenity as you hop off..and hope you don't trip in the process. I know you know what I mean. Love ya.