Perhaps laundry isn't the best "FROG" to eat as it isn't as though you can really focus when you are waiting on the machines to get done. I am determined to finish it TODAY though. Hubby will read this so I will be held accountable!!

Frog-Eating

First things first...HomeEc 101 is giving away a prize package for their birthday...go enter before tomorrow!!

I am listening to an audio CD of the book, Eat That Frog by Brian Tracy. The description is

" 21 Great Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time." The kids think it is hilarious but I am thoroughly stoked about the possibility of changing a habit that began somewhere around my first research paper. I have so many projects started and not finished right now it is downright comical. Except it is not really funny. I start with gusto and excitement and then that fizzles. Then the whole thing starts to feel like a huge burden. Then I decide I will do it later when it feels exciting again. It never feels exciting again. 'Tis a vicious annoying cycle. To be fair to myself, a whole lot of projects I have started require skills that I do not possess to finish or are bigger than what one person without huge blocks of time can do-but still, they remain undone.

So, can you tell I am on a self-improvement kick? I have some quirks that I just really don't like about myself and I am seeking to make them better. The first one is being selfish and wanting my way all the time. The second is putting issues before people. The third is procrastination due to lack of planning. Co-op has taught me so much about planning. We were required to do a syllabus and that has kept me on track all year with one subject. The other subject has been a nightmare. Mostly because I have had to keep changing the course to fit the needs of the kids-but still, operating without a plan has made it not very much fun to teach. I also did an experiment before with posting menus on Monday for the entire week. IT was great. I knew what we were having every meal and that was enough to spur me on the meals that I did not want to cook. It also allowed someone else to cook and know exactly what to do if I was unavailable. Planning works. It really really does.

Today, I am going to eat the laundry frog. All of it. I am going to finish laundry before I do another thing. Wish me luck. Ribbit.

Ego Maniacs

You're right, I am talking about you. All of you and me. Anyone you can think of, that is who I am talking about. Why are we all so selfish? Even in our selflessness, there is still a niggle in the back of our minds that there will be something good come out of it. We are completely self absorbed. I am right there in the top ten (of course this totally stokes my ego-I'm one of the best!). Basically, I think I am the number one self absorbed but I thought it might sound a bit conceited, so I instead went for top ten. I predict you are having one of two thoughts here-1. I am far more self absorbed than her, I can think of all sorts of unselfish things she does, so I win-I AM more self-absorbed. OR 2. Yes, she is a bit selfish. I'm glad I don't suffer with that the way she does. Either way, you totally proved my point making me right so I win. (That is very important to me.)

The Bible requires us to die to ourselves to go with Christ and I gotta say-I am desperately trying to do that. I want to go through life without pretense. I want to good and not expect there to be a return on that. I want to overlook a wrong for no other reason than God tells me to. I want to put other people first and that bring me joy instead of tallies on my imaginary scorecard. AND THEN...this part of me completely is at odds with the other side of me that wants to be noticed, to be known for the good I do, the part of me that wants to encourage the good I see in others. My favorite Bible verse is Hebrews 3:13 "But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Does needing that encouragement just feed the selfish monster? Does feeling good about who I am prove I love myself too much? Does feeling bad about who I am make me less selfish ore more selfish? Does loving this blog foster some sort of self absorption? Who do I think I am thinking other people will want to read about me and my life? I write on here mostly for myself with the thought that one day it might be precious to my children. I also like the fact that some of my friends will read this and understand me better. I also have made friends through this blog-people who totally relate to me. I have even made a few enemies I am sure. So why do I blog? Is is just some sort of self focus? Does this make me self-absorbed? I like to think this blog helps me sort things out and be a better person. Why do I have to do that in such a public way? Does that make me selfish, needy, insecure or all of these things?

These are the things I am wrestling with right now. How do you wrestle with the selfish monster?

Gee, I really hope I get alot of comments. That will prove I really do matter and all will be right with my ego. However, if I get no comments, that will merely prove everyone out there in blogland is trying to teach me a lesson...ie...thinking about me. Win/win. Sad/sad.
Self love/self-loathe. Sunrise/sunset. I can't wait to see my padded white room and get my stylin' backwards jacket.

Life IS Better

The monster truck is returned. The new van is now owned by us and parked in the driveway. The bit of conflict that was is resolved-sometimes it does take two wrongs to make a right. The parents are still in hospitals way far apart in differing counties but I am no longer going to both EVERY day(just most every day). Mom won't be released from the hospital until March 7 so we have plenty of time to move them slowly. My head seems to be out of the "danger of exploding" zone. I found my owl pellets and the boys had a great time dissecting owl vomit. I really enjoyed the entire lesson because owls are my favorite animal, closely tied with hawks but owls win because they can fly SILENTLY. That is totally cool. I can't do anything silently. I subscribed to google reader and it is totally awesomely magnificent. I will save probably an hour everyday reading blogs. All new entries were read in about 10 minutes. Non-updaters, I don't even have to visit your site to know you let the blog community down-I mean, you did not post.

So now, it is off to some "frisky business". All this free time and positive news has definitely enhanced our love life.

Snow What?

The weather was kind of warm and rainy yesterday, but today?? Really cold and snowy. Gotta love KY weather. It is impossible to predict. It could be 70 degrees tomorrow and no one would bat an eye. We would just pull out our just-in-case winter/summer clothes and move on. So it's cold again.

Today has been sucha whirlwind that my head hurts. Schooling, visiting my step-father, packing, moving, cleaning and a mad dash to the hospital to check on my momma. It just so happened that I called while her blood sugar was crashing. As those of you who live with diabetics know, it happens. It is scary. I knew I would not sleep tonight until I could see her, converse with her and know all was right in her world.

I worked with two other ladies from my church tonight to really clean our church kitchen. It was fun and we made alot of progress. There is still tons more that we could do but we left with a sense of pride that it is much improved. It took us two months to finally find a time that worked for all of our schedules. Tis a busy world we live in.

Hula girl is a wonderful cook and she blessed my heart and my family tonight. I was even inspired enough to pick up some essentials from the grocery store on the way home from hospital number one. I may live to cook and clean again.

Co-op is not gonna be fun for me tomorrow. Any extra time I have had in the last week has gone towards nagging homework and getting a load of laundry washed or folded. I promised my co-op boys we would look at an owl pellet tomorrow...where did I put those? Do other people lose their owl pellets? I think I may hold a record on that one!!

I Gotta Be Me

And on days like any day this week, I would prefer not to. Too many things are going on. Too many things are devastating my feelings. Too many people's feelings are devastated by me. Too much stress for too long. I am blessed to have a husband who really really loves me-and he knows how I am-and he still loves me anyway. Okay, typing that made me cry, but it is still true. He pretty much expects that I am gonna open my mouth and say things that at the least I will regret. He also has gone from hating that and being embarrassed to loving me for speaking up about things I truly care about. He has gone from hating me being such an "open book" to preferring others who are also open books. God knew what he was doing when he brought us together-both flawed and broken-to heal us and make us better together than we were apart. OK, I have cried, prayed and cried some more. I have apologized, lamented, and hated being me enough. Now it is time to move on. I don't really hate being me. Sometimes, but it is really the only thing I am good at so I have to keep being the best me I can.

Refocus on positive things:

• Hubby found me a van, just like my old van only better. It has a few more bells and whistles but it will still be what I had. A paid-for white minivan. We will get it tomorrow. The kids and I drove it a bit yesterday. I like it.
• Erika and I got my mom's entire bathroom packed last night. Today we will go and pack up more and maybe even unpack some at the new house. My mom has six curling irons. My mom does not use a curling iron. Apparently we all moved out and left them at home. Kinda funny. This is going to be fun, the things we will come across will no doubt be hilarious. Here are some other funny things: Ipecac syrup I bought "just in case" after Erika was born (EXP 1998); nail polish remover I bought when I was 16; claire's ear care solution for when I got my ears pierced in 6th grade. The things we keep are hilarious!
• My step-father is happy that he will be going home soon. He is happier now that the going home date seems closer. A few days ago, he looked like he might cry. He's 84 and doesn't like being away from home and my mom at all. They have not seen each other in about a month.
• My mom has finally reached a point where she can manuever herself around well. It is going to be really hard for her while she builds up her upper body strength, but she is well on her way.
• The weather is rainy, but it is also warmer and I am so glad to see it! I hope it sticks around for a while.

I love you bloggy friends. I love you even more, real life friends who are also bloggy friends-Hula girl blessed me with supper tonight. God bless you Hula! Thanks for listening to me whine, vent and rejoice.

Miss Understood

I just put in a call to nominate my husband for sainthood for putting up with me. I need to make another call for the people who put up with me at church and also read this blog. Sometimes the things I say on here come across very scathing, ie. my last post. That is never the heart or mindset behind it. I try very hard to be thoughtful of what I say and do both written and spoken. However, I am ill-equipped at it. I read that whole post and thought it communicated my frustrations very well. In fact, it did. What was less clear was that I was frustrated for feeling that way. The battle with myself for getting my feelings hurt over it. The battle with myself for feeling angry, on one hand feeling justified but on the other hand knowing I was not giving my church leadership a "fair shake". I am angry for not feeling heard or validated, but I also don't think this weekend was about that. I don't think anyone meant me to feel that way or even treat me in a way that would make me feel that way. Hence the small potatoes reference. The whole issue is-as all issues always are- wrong expectations. Me expecting the workshop would cover certain things. The hosts expecting their info would be appreciated. To see it from their point of view, I was an insensitive sot who did not appreciate the time and planning that went into the workshop. An angle I did not consider-so I made that a little worse by blogging about it.

I guess I will try to censor myself on here a little better from now on. No one else is capable of reading a blog from my perspective. We each read from our own perspective, right or wrong. So I guess venting on here isn't always the best idea when people I love and care deeply about might read it and be offended where no offense is intended. It all comes down to selfishness on my part, thinking too much of myself and my hurt. Satan is fun like that, causing us to be offended and angry. His goal is ALWAYS to anger, then divide and conquer.

So, I apologize to anyone who read the last post and was offended. I would love to delete it. The first one I deleted was probably nicer. I don't know. I'm not deleting it. IT will serve as a reminder of being a little too self absorbed. It reminds others that I am not perfect (I know you are all gasping!). I screw up. Often. Really often. My journey is full of things done right and also things done wrong. I am grateful the blood of Christ covers the sin-intentional or not. I would sure be in sad sorry shape if that was not the case.

Thank you God for people who love me enough to call me out when I do wrong. Thank you God for friendships strong enough to get past it.

Monday, Monday

1. I am not really upset upset that anyone read my deleted post. I did not know about readers and how they worked-but it is all good. Blogging is my best healthiest place to vent. I am someone who works through things by talking and writing. I have a few friends who don't realize that about me and think I am the most scatterbrained person in the world because what is the most important thing one day is not so important the next. OR, I make a huge life altering decision after a long conversation with someone. That's me, I talk big decisions out. When I make up my mind-it is usually very thoroughly thought out and discussed with someone else(or a couple of someone elses) and then crystallized with a writing or a pro/con list done in my head. It works for me.


2. I am far too busy to be blogging right now but it is helping to clear the cobwebs on my brain today. Plus it makes me feel good to read your comments after a tiring day. Remember, I am married to a man that uses up most of his words at work. He also does not enjoy conversational "sparring". We mostly just hurt each other's feelings. A good example of our differing conversational needs: On the way home from the workshop this weekend, I could have talked about 75 hours concerning all that happened. Erik was sort of glazed over. He had no words left. He did not wish to listen to anything else at all about church stuff. Possibly ever again. On the other hand, he wanted to talk about van shopping and he could have talked 75 hours concerning that topic but I did not care because my feelings needed tending. We are as different as night and day. The things that we feel passionate about are as different as night and day. It is fun.


3. I am frustrated with church right now. Here is my dilemna. If I am included in decision making-meaning my opinion does indeed matter and carry some weight, then I expect to be HEARD and listened to when I voice that opinion. I want to be validated. HOWEVER, if my opinion is of no importance or little importance-meaning decisions will be made and my opinion, while somewhat important, will have absolutely no weight at all regarding how decsions are made DO NOT SOLICIT IT!!!!! It would be like Erik and I sitting down with our children to plan a vacation. Encouraging them to tell us what they would like to do and really asking them lots of questions about how and why and getting them all stoked about what they want to do. They would each be really passionate about why and maybe even discussing apart from us about where to go and what to do. Then calling them back to the table and telling them we have made the decision. We are doing a couple's vacation and they are staying with grandparents. That is how I feel about our church right now. Don't include me in a decision that I am really not included in. I don't have time or energy to get all caught up in something and then later be dismissed. I am now full of resentment because I don't feel listened to. I feel like I juggled ten million things to go away and spent alot of money on really bad meals to "HELP" with something where the help was both unaccepted and unwanted.


4. Wow, number three lets me know I am not over this yet. The problem is that I love my church and everyone in it. It isn't perfect but I don't want to leave or go somewhere else(usually). I want to help when they need help. I want to encourage and support. I can be as vocal or unvocal as they need me to be. I could handle them saying, "This is how it is going to be and you don't get a vote in it." That is how much I trust our leadership. That is how full my submission to them is. So it really hurts to feel manipulated in such a way as to make me "think" I am helping make a decision that has already been made OR WILL BE MADE by an already pre-selected few. It insults me. That bothers me in a huge way because our church is small and all of "these people" aren't "these people", they are close personal friends. Friends I would and could call upon any time for any need. Friends who have gone to bat for me and held us and cried with us through big stuff in our lives.

I'm going to take a shower. And pray some more. And tell myself to get over this already, it isn't that big a deal. I'm hoping at some point my emotions will hear me say that over and over and finally hear it!! My head knows this is not a big deal-in fact, it is small potatoes. Very small potatoes. Feelings, listen-SMALL POTATOES!!!