Me, Me, Me...mememe and Mom

I gotta be me! Okay, Hula, you got me. I know full well that everyone else IS just as busy, just as pressed for time as me. However, in my little world where the EARTH does indeed revolve around me, I often forget about other people all together. I forget that there are three of you reading and saying, "Harrumph! She thinks she is busy, she otter step in my shoes for a week." Yeah, yeah, whatever. I sit corrected.

Today is my mom's birthday. We are celebrating with a chili supper. This is the south and we like to celebrate (and fund raise) with chili. I am trying to figure out how to work a big fire into the mix too, because chili +hot dogs +fire=smores/chocolate which when you shake it all down is fun, squared. Anyway, in other math, my mom is 66 today. It has been a good year. It kicks the previous year in the buttocks. Mom is almost unlimited in what she CAN do. She is somewhat limited by what she WILL do. Overall though, she can do almost anything she wants as long as it does not involve carrying anything. Grocery shopping and shopping in general require a pack mule. We daughters try to take turns with that. We all hate it when it is our turn(and this is much more about getting backed into a corner than taking turns) but we try to build a bridge and get over it. I am amazed at the resilience of the human body. Even a human body not in the best of health. God is amazing-He has built the best machine ever. I am thankful for being on this side of the amputation. I am thankful that my mom still has alot of good years left before she is totally reliant on help from us. I am thankful to again be back to focusing on raising my kids and occasionally helping out instead of vice versa. I am forevermore sympathetic to people in wheelchairs and their caregivers. I hate that it took this to wake me up already, but at least I woke up. I am also happy that MOST people are helpful when you are helping someone disabled.

So, I am celebrating today in a big way at home right now. I am thankful for a good prognosis for Mom. I am counting blessings all over the place. Tonight, when we make fun of Pam for holding grudges over socks, it will be bittersweet. Even more as I attempt to let go of any family grudges, I will try to focus on just enjoying the love and the relationships I am blessed to have. I am really beginning to truly love all of the dysfunction that is my family. Also, I am completely in awe of how my dysfunction fits in so perfectly.

Time

Once upon a time, I used to post every day. That time has passed. Once upon a time I used to look forward to having teenagers becasue I could relate to them so much easier. Now I laugh myself silly at that whole concept...relating to teenagers. Laughing to keep from crying. Once upon a time, I looked forward to the day my kids would ALL be school-aged. It would be "MY" time. HAHAHAHAHAHA, my time-what is that anyway?

It started as one of those weeks and it just keeps being one of those weeks every week. I have now just decided it is one of those lives.

Time is not on my side, I don't care what Mick says.

Freedom?

God is really working on me this week. On something I would have sworn I did NOT need to work on. I would have been wrong. It is funny all the innocent ways he has brought this to my attention...some reach all the way back to summer and then forge a little Hansel and Gretel crumb path to now.

My name is Janice and I am a grudge holder. I can't even believe it. We tease my sister, Pam, for bringing up certain sock incidents of long ago. We laugh and she laughs and we tell her she never really got over it. We all laugh until we cry big fat tears that just won't stop and it is lots of good fun that is funny. Then I adjust my self-righteous hat because I am not a grudge holder. Or at least, I never thought of myself as one. Forgive and move on has always been my motto. AND, on some level, this IS true. HOWEVER, on the most important level, it isn't the least little bit true.

I call my grudges "wisdom". I KNOW how so and so is because 6 years ago she did this and while I have forgiven her completely, I won't put myself in that position again! I haven't forgotten what happened-but I do forgive her. God's mercies are new every morning, my mercies? I am not sure I grant any. I have always thought I did but I am now positive that I have not. As I flip back through my grudge Rolodex, I realize it is brimming. If I pull out a grudge card on one of those people, the hurt is so fresh, it hurts me all over again. Heaven help us all if I have more than one grudge card on someone!! I relive the hurts. AND, I am cautious. I am different with that person. I am GUARDED. The sad thing is, I know I have hurt people-intentionally and unintentionally-all my life. I sure don't want to think of them being guarded with me over a mistake. I want them to extend mercy, realize I am a work in progress and carry on as though nothing ever happened-a clean slate.

I am thankful that this past Monday, one of my friends pointed this out to me. She did not realize just how strongly God would use her words. I needed someone to speak the truth to me so desperately. I am amazed that she did, it would have been so much easier to say, "Yep Janice, I can't believe so and so did that-what a horrible thing to do to you." I really wanted her to say that, to 'take my side'. Actually, I did not even care if she took 'my side' as long as the hurt was acknowledged. She just kept saying, "Why can't you just be free from it? Why do you allow the hurt to continue? Why can't YOU just move on as though it never happened REGARDLESS of what SHE does?"

Why, indeed. Why would I choose to pack around grudge luggage? I think for me it has been the power. I feel powerful and "better" to constantly have been a victim of someone. Especially if that whole jealousy flaw thing is worked into it. I am jealous of Goody Grudge. Goody Grudge is smarter than me and has more friends. I shall never forget all the mistakes Goody Grudge has made that hurt me. I will remember them often. I will meditate on them every time I am around Goody Grudge. I choose not to be friends with Goody Grudge. MY WISDOM thinks it is not wise.

PRAISE GOD. My shoulders feel 1000 times lighter. I am going to prayerfully allow God to remove my grudges. I don't think this will be a simple process, after all, I've been storing them up for years. Grudgectomies probably take a little time to fully 'heal'. Now, as I read through, "How to Love Someone You Can't Stand", it will be like reading it for the first time. AND MAYBE, just maybe, my list of those people I can't stand will not only be shorter...perhaps I can do away with the list altogether.

Ch-ch-changes

I do not like change. I like the idea of it but not the actuality. I prefer things to stay the way I like them/have gotten used to...maybe I could tweak a few things in the people around me-HA! Lately though, it has become so painful to stay the same, that I am forced to logically think through the areas in my life that need to be changed. I am keeping the serenity prayer handy and focusing on my own personal changes.

I have touched on them in a recent post. The first one is to be more mindful of how I treat others. I am going to dig out "How to Love Someone You Can't Stand" again. Some day, I might not have to read it anymore but for now, it is still a mainstay in my personal development. My specific goals right now are intentionally treating people with respect and appreciation. This is hardest here on the homefront. Especially since I have a GIANT CHIP on my shoulder that says, "I AM UNDER-APPRECIATED!" I have asked God to surgically remove it but you know He prefers the slow personal growth type approach. ARGH! The second is to treat myself better. Good food, rest, exercise, better priorities. Do not allow myself to be drawn into things that are not good for me. Cut back on TV watching. Allow myself the privilege of being appreciated when it does come along...as in saying thank you when a compliment is extended.

I am lousy at change when it involves me changing. However, if you have some areas you need to tweak, call me-I'm excellent at those!!

Memories

Dear Angy and Necia,

Thank you so much for organizing our SES reunion. Elementary school packs a wallop of wonderful memories for me. I know our group was small tonight, but it truly felt like family and I had so much fun. I eagerly anticipate the next time we can all get together.

Love,

Your School Chum



Dear Brian,

Making someone laugh while they are eating an ice cream cone should be against the law. The fact that I had my life flash before my eyes while waiting for the ice cream in my throat to melt justifies the law. I should know not to eat or drink while chatting with you. We are just too darn funny!

Love,

Giggles



Dear Ryan's,

I haven't really liked you since that coupon incident of 2006. It was a bad experience to be sure. The only good thing I remember about it was that Patches was my waitress and we caught up with each other a bit.



Tonight was yet another night in a series of unfortunate dining events at your restaurant. Perhaps I set my standards too high, but I am always so disappointed with my meal at your dining establishment. I won't say I hate you, because that would be wrong. Instead I will say that I hate your ways (insert raucous laughter on this inside joke). By that, I mean that you make too many foods. I think your plan is that everyone will find something that they like. Instead, it just means that you make a whole bunch of stuff that REALLY does not taste good.(AND MY BILL WAS OVER $16 for TWO people and one of those was a kid's meal!!!!) It is now important to point out that I am not picky. I like almost all types of food. It's not me, it's you.



Next, how hard is it to keep your bathroom tidy? I eat out every chance I get and every bathroom I have ever been in at a restaurant has been tidy. There is usually even a nice air freshener that makes the place smell clean. Even roadside gas stations have you beat. The bathroom tonight was FILTHY. Even the sinks were, well GROSS. I was repulsed by the solids in the sink that I did recognize and also by the ones I did not. It is a sad day when one feels dirtier AFTER washing their hands. Thank goodness we had just loaded up on PPS hand sanitizer(holla-hula girl!) last Thursday.



So, Ryan's, it is over. I am afraid I cannot give you any more chances. However, if my SES chums decide to use your meeting room again, I will be there with bells on. I just won't eat, drink, or use your bathroom facilities.



Sincerely,

Disgruntled Customer

Random Observations

• This morning, my van looked like it had dressed up for Halloween-as a pile of pine needles. We have two large pine trees in our front yard and they are seriously molting! I still remember our first fall here when we freaked out -we thought the trees were dying because we awoke one day to pine needle central. Now we enjoy our needling. It is fun to rake them up and play! Excellent kindling for fires, also. I just wonder what our vehicle driving down the road must look like to all you non-pine people, the only clear spot made by the wipers. Of course, once we get up to speed, we cause a nice pine-needley rain.


• My father-in-law saved my butt with a butt tonight. I left the house this morning in a flurry of flurriness. We had yet another overly scheduled day in a series of overly scheduled days. Edgar Allen Poe plus science co-op plus somebody needing some fabric for a Halloween costume design. By the time piney van pointed back home, I realized two things: I had not put the roast in the crock pot. AND. Roast is very hard to cook quickly. Then hubby rang me to report that my father-in-law smoked us a pork butt. What a perfect day for God to bless us through him. YEAH!


• My daughter loves to create things. With a sewing machine. (But CERTAINLY not limited to that.) I struggle with it because I cannot sew. Yet I am still sure she is doing it incorrectly. She is not following all the right instructions. She is not using a pattern. She has not completed a comprehensive sewing class. Sure, we have enrolled her in a few classes through the years, so I know she can work the sewing machine and I am happy to see her enjoy it. SOMEBODY(maybe it is me) just needs to loosen up a little and let someone else enjoy a hobby already.


• I am not only a people pleaser, but I also like to organize people. I enjoy it when I am in control even if things don't always go exactly as planned. This is not always a good thing. Satan uses my GOD-given administrative gifts for evil if I allow it, as in- I am frequently frustrated with things I have no control over. This means my feelings are often hurt when I am not asked or invited to be involved with things. This means I feel shunned and rebellious when I am not in charge. This means I am often jealous of whoever is in charge. Sometimes this jealousy leads to maliciousness-mostly only inside my own brain, but occasionally free flowing. This is a serious problem that is eating away at my very soul. In my soul-searching inventory, it has top-billing. I don't like confessing it. However, as I have gotten older and wiser, one thing continues to ring true; by the time I am ready to confess a sin, everbody done knowed it.


• I had an epiphany today. I have always fallen right smack in the middle between two crowds-fitting everywhere and nowhere. Friends with everyone and no one. I had thought that was just my lot in life until recently. It occurred to me in an almost mind-numbing way, that I am still trying to be a "cool" kid in most areas of my life. That I still seek desperately to be a "popular kid" despite being SURROUNDED with TRUE friends that LOVE ME and whom I dearly love. What kind of sickness causes a person to jeopardize fellowship with people who love me, want to help me be a better person, love my children, respect my parenting, respect my marriage and spouse for people who consistently offer me none of the above? I am a good friend who has many good friends. That is a blessing and ENOUGH already with trying to make the whole world like me!! Everyone isn't going to and it is REALLY OK. (Truly accepting that is the hard part.)


• I am looking in the mirror and giving myself a Stuart Smalley(The only good thing Al Franken has ever done!) pep talk: I'm good enough, smart enough and doggone it, people like me.


• Lastly, I have had me on a back-burner for so long, I have let the pot run dry. My character defects have about taken over our family and shipwrecked us all. When jumping in to save the world, one must first make sure to put on a life preserver.(Some self-esteem would be a nice place to start, heehee.) As I continue to declutter our "stuff ", I'm taking a little time to ask God to help me find myself again-in a positive way. I am asking Him to help me declutter some attitudinal crap.

Be patient, random observations usually lead to good stuff.

The Unthinkable!!

I can hardly believe this. As I type, my hands tremble. It is almost impossible to wrap my brain around the idea. My husband bought...GENERIC TOILET PAPER. I blame myself. I could've gone in and got it myself, but my pampered behind rested in the van. I did send in my faithful assistant, Lilly, but it was no help. She warned Hubby in line that Mom gets Charmin Ultra and would not approve of DG's version of paper for the toilet. To no avail, DG brand was purchased.

The funny thing is, I can't really tell much difference. We may make the switch permanently because my butt must not be as sensitive as it used to be.

Somebody Just Needs To...

fill up the glass already!! I can't say I am a glass half-full or glass half-empty person. I'm more of a just fill up the glass already person!! OR, I have also been known to be an, "I only wanted half a glass," person.

Lately though, I have become an even bigger cynic than I might have ever been. I am almost certain that things will not turn out well and I make all sorts of contigency statements.

"Oh well, it could've been worse!"

"We should just count our blessings."

"Well, I'm just glad ____ didn't happen!"

"Sometimes good people do bad things."

"Well, you know, we do live in a fallen world."

I am trying to be optimistic. I really am. I count my blessings so often that I have them in alphabetical order. It's just that lately, people seem to suck more than they ever have. Not all people mind you, most of those afore mentioned blessings are people. BAD people suck more than they ever have. They don't have any ethics at all. It used to be that even crooks had guidelines they crooked by. Did I mention our church was broken into? How bad does that suck? Not just our church, a whole lot of churches in our county. Even good people are crooked when it suits them. Not completely, mind you, my best example is in the field of construction. It used to be that bricklayers, cabinet makers, tilesetters, etc. were artisans. They were proud of their reputation and did what they could to do their best work ever. Have you had work done lately? This is not the case anymore. Some people still have "IT", but most do not. It truly pays to be a do-it-yourselfer.

I believe people are mostly good, just often misguided. I believe the balloon boy's parents really just want to be famous...the boy was safe, right? Are we so star struck? Yes, we really are. Studies show that our children would rather be famous than just about anything. It is hard for me to imagine, this desire to be famous. I have this deep burning desire to be anonymous. The closest I would want to be to famous is to be a famous author...it is a different kind of fame. People aren't sure about your notoriety. I don't like being in pictures or videos. Once I made the cover of our local paper-shopping for ornaments the day after Christmas. I was furious. My prayer was that no one would know me. And yet, my husband loves to be 'famous'. We have quite a collection of papers and recordings of news, performances, etc. My kids love to be photographed! The other day at the library, someone wanted to photograph us utilizing the library. I signed the release and then bowed out "to sharpen my pencil".

I am trying so hard to 'see the bright side'. I guess some things are just embedded too deeply. I think I belong in the 'Not so sure club' that Ziggy is in.