Miss Understood

I just put in a call to nominate my husband for sainthood for putting up with me. I need to make another call for the people who put up with me at church and also read this blog. Sometimes the things I say on here come across very scathing, ie. my last post. That is never the heart or mindset behind it. I try very hard to be thoughtful of what I say and do both written and spoken. However, I am ill-equipped at it. I read that whole post and thought it communicated my frustrations very well. In fact, it did. What was less clear was that I was frustrated for feeling that way. The battle with myself for getting my feelings hurt over it. The battle with myself for feeling angry, on one hand feeling justified but on the other hand knowing I was not giving my church leadership a "fair shake". I am angry for not feeling heard or validated, but I also don't think this weekend was about that. I don't think anyone meant me to feel that way or even treat me in a way that would make me feel that way. Hence the small potatoes reference. The whole issue is-as all issues always are- wrong expectations. Me expecting the workshop would cover certain things. The hosts expecting their info would be appreciated. To see it from their point of view, I was an insensitive sot who did not appreciate the time and planning that went into the workshop. An angle I did not consider-so I made that a little worse by blogging about it.

I guess I will try to censor myself on here a little better from now on. No one else is capable of reading a blog from my perspective. We each read from our own perspective, right or wrong. So I guess venting on here isn't always the best idea when people I love and care deeply about might read it and be offended where no offense is intended. It all comes down to selfishness on my part, thinking too much of myself and my hurt. Satan is fun like that, causing us to be offended and angry. His goal is ALWAYS to anger, then divide and conquer.

So, I apologize to anyone who read the last post and was offended. I would love to delete it. The first one I deleted was probably nicer. I don't know. I'm not deleting it. IT will serve as a reminder of being a little too self absorbed. It reminds others that I am not perfect (I know you are all gasping!). I screw up. Often. Really often. My journey is full of things done right and also things done wrong. I am grateful the blood of Christ covers the sin-intentional or not. I would sure be in sad sorry shape if that was not the case.

Thank you God for people who love me enough to call me out when I do wrong. Thank you God for friendships strong enough to get past it.

Monday, Monday

1. I am not really upset upset that anyone read my deleted post. I did not know about readers and how they worked-but it is all good. Blogging is my best healthiest place to vent. I am someone who works through things by talking and writing. I have a few friends who don't realize that about me and think I am the most scatterbrained person in the world because what is the most important thing one day is not so important the next. OR, I make a huge life altering decision after a long conversation with someone. That's me, I talk big decisions out. When I make up my mind-it is usually very thoroughly thought out and discussed with someone else(or a couple of someone elses) and then crystallized with a writing or a pro/con list done in my head. It works for me.


2. I am far too busy to be blogging right now but it is helping to clear the cobwebs on my brain today. Plus it makes me feel good to read your comments after a tiring day. Remember, I am married to a man that uses up most of his words at work. He also does not enjoy conversational "sparring". We mostly just hurt each other's feelings. A good example of our differing conversational needs: On the way home from the workshop this weekend, I could have talked about 75 hours concerning all that happened. Erik was sort of glazed over. He had no words left. He did not wish to listen to anything else at all about church stuff. Possibly ever again. On the other hand, he wanted to talk about van shopping and he could have talked 75 hours concerning that topic but I did not care because my feelings needed tending. We are as different as night and day. The things that we feel passionate about are as different as night and day. It is fun.


3. I am frustrated with church right now. Here is my dilemna. If I am included in decision making-meaning my opinion does indeed matter and carry some weight, then I expect to be HEARD and listened to when I voice that opinion. I want to be validated. HOWEVER, if my opinion is of no importance or little importance-meaning decisions will be made and my opinion, while somewhat important, will have absolutely no weight at all regarding how decsions are made DO NOT SOLICIT IT!!!!! It would be like Erik and I sitting down with our children to plan a vacation. Encouraging them to tell us what they would like to do and really asking them lots of questions about how and why and getting them all stoked about what they want to do. They would each be really passionate about why and maybe even discussing apart from us about where to go and what to do. Then calling them back to the table and telling them we have made the decision. We are doing a couple's vacation and they are staying with grandparents. That is how I feel about our church right now. Don't include me in a decision that I am really not included in. I don't have time or energy to get all caught up in something and then later be dismissed. I am now full of resentment because I don't feel listened to. I feel like I juggled ten million things to go away and spent alot of money on really bad meals to "HELP" with something where the help was both unaccepted and unwanted.


4. Wow, number three lets me know I am not over this yet. The problem is that I love my church and everyone in it. It isn't perfect but I don't want to leave or go somewhere else(usually). I want to help when they need help. I want to encourage and support. I can be as vocal or unvocal as they need me to be. I could handle them saying, "This is how it is going to be and you don't get a vote in it." That is how much I trust our leadership. That is how full my submission to them is. So it really hurts to feel manipulated in such a way as to make me "think" I am helping make a decision that has already been made OR WILL BE MADE by an already pre-selected few. It insults me. That bothers me in a huge way because our church is small and all of "these people" aren't "these people", they are close personal friends. Friends I would and could call upon any time for any need. Friends who have gone to bat for me and held us and cried with us through big stuff in our lives.

I'm going to take a shower. And pray some more. And tell myself to get over this already, it isn't that big a deal. I'm hoping at some point my emotions will hear me say that over and over and finally hear it!! My head knows this is not a big deal-in fact, it is small potatoes. Very small potatoes. Feelings, listen-SMALL POTATOES!!!

Ketch-up/Relish

Shame on you for reading a deleted post. I decided it was just too much information if you can possibly believe that about me!! And a little tender still. I decided to give it time and prayer and then see how I felt. I should go to God before I go to blog. So anyway, today has been a hard day. I have been a bundle of emotions most of the day, but fellowship with friends has been a good thing.

• Our van is totalled. I know that would make some people very happy. They would get real excited about shopping for a new car. However, it isn't enough $$ to get excited about. It is a fair amount of money I suppose-but I really just want what we had. I liked my van. Now we have to scour the city shopping for something close. I hate it. In different circumstances it could be fun but right now it just isn't.
• The hospital where my stepfather is being taken care of is losing his clothes. They can't seem to locate them or get them back to his room. This is a big problem. We thought it would help us and save us a headache or two to have them do the laundry. We were wrong.
• My mom is feeling much better. However, this week we need to get her and my stepfather moved out of their old house (which is now sold) into their new house (which is ready now). It is very important that this happen this week so that they both come home to the new house which does not have steps-which would be a problem for both of them.
• We are not on track at all with our school work and hopefully we can get on track tomorrow!!
• I am hardly communicating with some of my very good friends and it is totally not cool or fun. We left the house this morning at 8:00AM and we got back home at 8:30PM. We were home briefly to change clothes.
• I have no groceries in this house and no desire to remedy that. Hubby promises to stop at the store on the way home tomorrow if I make him a list. Man oh man I do not feel like making a list.
• I don't feel like a very good wife, mother, daughter, friend, sister, church member OR general member of the world right now. I feel like a very tightly bundled bunch of dry sticks. It could all fall apart any moment. Thankfully, I have some things on my to do list that I am looking forward to so that will fuel me through another day or so.

Gimme A Break!

All of my fingers and toes are crossed. There is a big chance that Erik and I will have a night and day away from home and the girls will have a fun overnight at a friend's house. The weather seems to be cooperating...Erik's work is SO FAR cooperating...the friend is very excited to have the girls over. I'm scared to get excited as we have been juggling so many things to even have the possibility of this...if one ball drops...it won't happen, at least not like we prefer it to happen. I will get excited when we are in the car on our way...pulling in the driveway of the hotel. I should also mention this is a workshop for church so there will be friends, games and fun involved. I can't wait.

Yesterday involved snuggling and finishing The Goose Girl audio book-but there were no cookies, breads or crafts. Today there probably won't be either, although we MIGHT make some playdough. I just didn't want to be misleading! The best laid plans often go awry around these parts. It was an optimistic post.

We have lots and lots to do today, so I have to get hoppin!! Have a great weekend!

Snow Way!

Ice Ice Baby! I can scarcely believe that there is actually ice out there. Usually when it is predicted, it does not happen. However, it is out there and my husband is in great peril as he walks and drives on it all day. Please keep him clothed in prayers for his safety today. On most days, he loves his job. He loves his route and everyone on his route loves him too. Ice and snow are dreadful to the walking man! So I will think of him all day.

No hospital visits for me today which is not as comforting as you might imagine. I have had an extended stay in the hospital and can't imagine how dreadful it would be without visitors! Add to that the guilt that I did not make it to see my stepdad yesterday and I'm not sure anyone else did either. One of my sisters has the flu, one has two kids who are sick, one has a job that has gotten much behind and also sports for one child in the evening. That leaves me only to make the rounds.

We are snuggled up under covers listening to "The Goose Girl". It is a very good book and we have enjoyed it. Pajama day is soon to be declared. Crafts and cookies are in our future...maybe even some bread. (Thanks Sara for recipes!)

YEAH!

We are all well and driving our "monster truck" to see a play and then off to co-op. Thanks for the prayers, I give God full credit for our health. He heard the cries of a very weary mom desperate for a break!

I've Been Bad...

Apparently I have done something horrible and God is making me pay and pay dearly. Nearly every facet of my life is in some sort of turmoil. I don't really believe this, of course, but at some point I do have to question a bit. I've been handling all with as much strength as I can muster, but now, today? To add a child vomiting is just what I needed to make me crazy for sure!! Tomorrow we had big plans, plans involving plays and friends and NOW? I just don't know.

Hello Crazy. Nice to see you. It's been a long time. You're just as lovely as you used to be.

Changes/Dances

• It may be surprising, but I do not like change. I guess I should say I like gradual changes-crave them, in fact- but not fast paced changes. Like going from my nice comfortable "old shoe" mini-van to my dad's big truck. This will be an adjustment for me. The girls will love it. It will challenge me.
• We hung around the house all day today waiting for an insurance adjuster that never planned on coming. I just wonder how long this whole song and dance is going to take. I am also hoping all of my nerves don't snap at once. I'm not impressed with Farm Bureau yet, but I hope they surprise me with excellent service.
• Mom got moved to the physical rehab floor today. She is doing a nervous dance for the changes she will face in the morning. They work with her all day and we can't see her until after 4:30. She is going to be very tired. The rehab will last two weeks and will equip her on how to get around independently. It will be a whole new world for her. We have tried to promote her independence-but we still did alot for her. She will dance to a whole new song on this floor.
• "Aunt Flo" is making up for skipping a visit last month. I'm just doing a happy dance counting my blessings and longing for something more absorbant than super plus.
• Erik and I really did some super cleaning today. Our house is clean but in about 24 hours it will be right back where we started from. Tis the cleaning dance. Similar to the laundry dance.
• When it's time to sit it out or dance...I suppose I always choose to dance. However, I am dancing as fast as I can and I don't even know the minuet!