Recovering...

...from my former bad mood/injury of feelings/pity party.  Isn't it amazing how hurt feelings can run so deep and impact so many days worth of my life???  I am trying to rectify that and not allow someone that kind of power over me.  On one hand, I want to feel my feelings-not repress them.  On the other hand, I don't want to allow those feelings to get carried away and take over my life!  GOSH!  Or as we say in the south, GARSH!  I'm just kidding, we don't all add extry R's.

So this week and weekend are whirlwinds.  There is much to do and plenty of time to get it all done...I am just trying to savor the moments.  If I think about how much time I have left with my kids, it makes me weepy.  Then I really start to get freaked out...and then I chill and try to focus on what great kids they are.  Not perfect, I am not bragging-ok maybe a little. 

Tonight is a last night fun-fest with my middle school class at church.  The quarter ends and part of me is sad and part of me, delighted.  The book of Esther is so powerful and I hope these kids have gotten at least the 'for such a time as this' message out of our studies.  We all have our times we are born into to be useful to God in and this is ours.  I have struggled a bit with classroom control with this age group.  I wanted the class to be fun, but these classes can easily get hi-jacked by overzealous middle schoolers!!  I have enjoyed keeping the torch burning this quarter, but I must admit I am ready to pass it to the next teacher in line.  But I shall return, they are a really great group of kids!

Lilly's science fair is Friday...we are in the final stages of board preparation.  This is our second science fair of THIS school year.  ARGH!  One is REALLY enough.  I plan to spend the day at her school being a helper.  She will be so happy!

This weekend is full of thrill packed adventures.  Next week is spring break.  If we can just get some gorgeous spring weather...70's and no rain...I will be such a happy camper.  ( :

Enjoy this wonderful Wednesday.  May your to-do list be small and manageable with all things crossed off of it by early evening!!

I May Be Weak

Is it weak to admit life has kicked you pretty hard in the teeth and you need some time to process it?  Is it weak to be in a bit of a fog trying to do so?  I keep thinking of the saying, "I try to take one day at a time, but lately several days have attacked at once".  Yeah, that is where I am.

Luckily, I was able to read, "What Difference Do It Make"-the sequel(squeakwel-LOL) to "Same Kind of Different As Me" this weekend and so I have some inspiration to get it in gear, be nice to people and change the world.

I also received my amazon purchased personal copy of "The Purpose Driven Life" along with the study journal so I could easily be making a difference by the end of the week if I can find my 'get up and go'.

I am weak...but I will use this weakness to remember that I can be strong...peaks and valleys, strength and weakness, sunshine and rain...one means nothing without the other to compare it to.

I'm Drained

It was planned to be a way different sort of week-end than it ended up being. 

I got dumped.  I had some wonderful fun plans in place and found myself dumped.  I did not even know how to react other than to be overly emotional and hurt.  Those are my standard reactions...I then usually follow-up with a nice heaping helping of anger and retaliation.  However, I have a certain friend in my life that is helping me 'kick it up a notch'.  She is helping me be a better me.  Upon being dumped, I asked God to help me do the right thing and waited.  Overwhelmingly, I felt that I needed to call my friend.  I am so glad that I did.  Actually, I should point out here that I tried to call and did not get her.  Other friends names went through my brain and I decided to just wait on the name that God put into my head.

She called me back and she immediately boiled it down to spiritual warfare.  She prayed over me and reframed the rejection in a way that obviously showed how Satan is using someone in my life to discourage me in the place God has placed me.  It was amazing how immediately the healing balm was felt.  It still hurt.  Rejection is the most painful hurt of all.  In fact, it still hurts and probably will for a while, but it is no longer a grudge I am holding, just a wound that will heal with time.  God can use wounds and scars to remind us and teach us, grudges serve no good purpose.

Inside that rejection, however, I must always remember that I am who God says I am.  He says I am the daughter of a king.  He says I am the perfect wife for my husband, exactly the mom He means for my kids to have and an asset in my church and community.  If God is for me then who can be against me?  The answer is so obvious but we tend to replace that evil schemer with the people he uses to carry out his plans.  People who may not realize whose influence they are under.  People who are doing what 'feels good' not necessarily what is good.  People who are often weak and broken themselves and unaware of how their actions may destroy and hurt.  (Oh God, forgive me all the times I have been and will be those people!)

The most important message to me through all of this is to watch my reactions to people.  We are all capable of being used in situations that do not bring honor to God or to our fellow man.  To tear down a fellow human without knowing it-to help Satan dismantle God's call on their life.  In fact, we are Satan's MOST effective tools and usually we are not even aware of it.  He banks on our lack of awareness.  I want to be an encourager-to be someone who helps to build up my fellow man-believer or not.

Thank you God for giving me relationships that affirm me in your design and call on my life.  Thank you God for giving me the option to forgive a hurt, pray for a hurter and not retaliate in anger.  Thank you God for using me to minister to others despite being so unbelievably broken and flawed.  Thank you God for friends that love me with the love of the Lord and prove it on a regular basis.

The weekend was emotional and draining.  God never said life would be easy.  God never said being a Christian was all fun and games.  Yet I can't help but notice that I keep expecting it to be that way.  39 years and I am still in remediation!!

In A Moment...

In a flash...things can change in ways you never imagined.  One of my good friends lost her husband this weekend.  He had a massive heart attack.  He was 46.  FORTY-SIX!!  I can't even believe it.  I cannot wrap my brain around it.  Needless to say, neither can she.  They just celebrated heir 25th wedding anniversary.  Both of their girls are grown and it was 'their time'.  They were so cute, dating again, riding their motorcycle together. 

Don't put off too much for when your kids are grown...we are all just a vapor.

Please pray that I can be a comfort to her and her girls in some small way during this devastating time.  That God will give her peace that surpasses all understanding.  That God will take a circumstance that is so hard and turn it around for good in a way only He can.

ARGH!!!

Some days I wonder what it would take to make me happy.  I feel so ungrateful while being amazingly blessed.  Nothing goes right, everything just adds to my bad mood.  The loved ones in my life make me want to scream.  I get depressed over the things on my 'to do list' that remain undone.  I resent that I can't get big tasks accomplished because of all the little ones that have to be done over and over...like dishes, cooking and laundry. 

Other days, I feel so happy I think I may burst.  I count my blessings and feel like I could keep counting for a week.  I love everything and everyone.  I feel grateful for all the possessions I have and that they don't possess me.  I am content.  I feel fearfully and wonderfully made and gifted for a purpose.  I feel peace even in the valleys.  I am able to bestow grace on myself and others-whether they deserve it or not...which is what grace is all about!!

Guess which one is the God honoring one?

Wrong, unless you said both.  He wants all of me, even the yucky part that makes me want to hide my head in shame.  The second paragraph sounds better, feels better and exemplifies what it means to be a Christian.  But being a Christian looks like the first paragraph too.  We all have those days.  I am only different from the rest of the world because of Jesus-and he died for EVERY HUMAN BEING on earth.  He makes me perfect to God.  It is not anything I can do, even on my best day.  I have to give my whole self to God and HE will help me be paragraph two if I let Him...when I let Him. 

I do hope to have a second paragraph day tomorrow though. 

Truth...

Children do not learn what you teach them.  Children mirror EXACTLY what they are shown. 

There is nothing so humbling as watching my children behave the same way I do.  Where can I go to fix it QUICK!!??  They are driving me crazy and I have to accept responsibility for it because I taught them soooooooo well!! 

I really wish I had gotten my act together before I had kids.  I really wish I had my act together now that I have kids.  I really wonder how one 'gets their act together'?   I see a ANOTHER self-help book in my future.

A Foot in Both Worlds

Public school and home school, that is.  It is nearly impossible not to constantly compare the two and then second guess myself to death.  On one hand, I KNOW we are where we are supposed to be.  I have observed many signs to let me know the decision to go back to school was the correct one for our family.  I still worry though.  I worry about bullies, school work, drugs, sex and the lack of God in the school.  I worry that my strong willed girls will become go-with-the-flow girls.  I worry that they might compromise their values to 'fit in' better.

Also, public school is the most expensive free education ever!!  There is always something that comes up that requires something from me, financially speaking.  Lunch money, snack day, field trip, reward day, fundraisers...endless fundraisers.  Homeschool curriculum is definitely not cheap, but it is a one time cost.  There are not any surprise expenses, all expenses can be planned well in advance.

Overall, I am pleased with school.  All three girls continue to be on the honor roll.  They are excited by school, learning and projects.  They are genetically programmed to be teacher pleasers-it comes from both sides-so they like their teachers and the teachers like them.  Erika made the track team and is very excited about that.  Kayla is still shopping for what her extra-curricular activities will be.  It is a good thing for all of us.

However, there is a small part of me that misses having everyone home.  Pajama days, family trips whenever we wanted to take them, field trips to anywhere we wanted, and taking a day off to enjoy a beautiful weather day.

Then I think about ALWAYS being together, squabbles and bickering.  I think about lesson plans and grading papers.  I think about the constant guilt and inner conflict telling me I need to lighten up or do more, depending on my mood that week.  Cooking three meals a day and never getting 'caught up' with anything.  And like a cherry on top, add to all of that the endless doctors appointments with a handicapped mom and three surly girls...

...SCHOOL tomorrow!!  I can hardly wait!

And I'm Baaa-aack!!

Not only am I back, but I'm wireless!!  I know it is so last year for most people, but we are just now experiencing it, so think back to how cool it was and try to relate.  It is awesome.

We went to Nashville today for a drum run...Fork's Drum Closet is a frequent destination for darling hubby.  He always makes sure to do something fun with us after he wraps up his drummer business.  Today we went to a very upscale mall that we had not been to before.  It had Coach, Louis Vuitton, Juicy Couture and many other WOW! EXPENSIVE type stores.  It was an interesting experience, but also kind of depressing.  I kept thinking of what $300 spent on a purse would buy for an orphanage in a third world country.  I looked at the brand spanking new Mercedes in front of us and thought that it would be more than enough money to dig a well that would provide a whole village with clean drinking water. 

I certainly don't have a problem with wealth and I would never dream of telling someone else how to spend the money they work to earn, but I cannot fathom spending that kind of money on STUFF. 

We finished out our day at Baja Burrito and it was soooo good.  I want to open a franchise of it here in our fair town...just so we can eat there more often.  I had a taco salad today, but giant burritos ROCK!!

Well, that is all I have to say tonight.  I am off to get some sleep!

Sick...

...not me, silly.  Our computer.  It has a virus.  It is old.  We have decided to take the plunge into a new computer.  We knew this day was coming and even tried to buy used for a while.  Nothing ever panned out, so here we are, on the verge of a new 'pooter.  Anyone have any recommendations?  We are leaning toward laptop but we are not abandoning the idea of ye old desktop either.

So if you have missed me, it is because all posting must be done elsewhere as our computer shuts down after about 10 minutes.  I really hate spending large sums of money in an area where I have so little knowledge.  ARGH!!