A New Dawn

Today is a new day and I feel ALMOST as excited as if it were Monday.  Especially since my Monday this week was not fun and dewy fresh like I wanted it to be.  My surgery (D & C along with a hysteroscopy) was done yesterday and I got a big old cherry on top of the surgery sundae called ablation.  Hopefully, I will be a new woman from now on.

I apologize in advance for the drop in Kimberly-Clark stock.

Yesterday was a reminder of just how wonderful my husband is.  He was so great taking care of me, waiting on me and just being my rock.  Sometimes I get lost in the woes of parenting, housework and homeschool and forget what a wonderful asset he is.  We are neither one perfect but we sure do try to be good spouses...most days.

While we waited for it to be my turn for surgery, we watched Gene Simmons, Family Jewels.  We were hooked on it.  Why?  I don't know, we both are sort of KISS fans, but not in any kind of crazed way.  It was just kind of funny to see him as a family man.  We don't get that channel at home, whatever channel it was because we only have limited basic cable.  I guess that means we won't be weekly viewers or anything, it was still a fun way to pass the time.

Well, there are a million other things I should be doing.  So I am going to leave blog-land...not to go do much else because I am resting today.  However, I plan to at least be a tiny bit productive as I rest up.

Have a blessed day and weekend.  God loves you and so do I.  ( :

Attitude Adjustment

• I titled my blog that way because I need one.  I have been decidedly un-nice.  I am aware of this, but unable to change it.
• Daisy had almost recovered and then started chewing on her tail.  Obsessively.  It has almost no hair and looks terrible.  We are using the spray the vet gave us and are clueless as to what to do now.  Grrrr.
• Since I have not been able to touch the hem of Jesus' garment, I am having to have outpatient surgery on Thursday.  Keep me in your prayers-it isn't a big deal and yet, it is.  I am very much looking forward to it as it will lead to such savings on sanitary items.  Sidenote:  Kotex U makes an overnight pad that does the trick.  Wow...talk about a modified diaper!
• School is going well, I am just a bit overwhelmed by the difference in high school work.  ARGHH!  I am so far staying on top of my grading which is always the bad part of school.  Grading papers makes me tired.
• I have lost about 5 pounds...I think my family may prefer fat and in a good mood though-heehee.
• My husband has dared to plan work out-of-town this week.  Not fun.  Not nice.  I think that may be why he planned it, heh.
• Friends of our talked us into joining a new CARE group with them.  We did it to get them better plugged in even though we had sworn off of being in one.  Then they quit.  It is a wonderful group of good friends and we will love it, but still!!

Okay, anymore would be too much.  Have a blessed day!

A Change'll Do Me Good..

I am doing so much better this week.  Daisy is almost fully recovered.  Our central air unit was not broken in a 'had to replace the whole unit' way.  It was broken in a 'needed a part' way.  So, instead of thousands of dollars, we only spent $104.  Let me know if you ever need an HONEST HVAC guy and you are local!  The other guy we called was just trying to schedule replacing the whole unit.  I don't know if he was a crook or just not trained in replacing broken parts, only trained in replacing broken units.

Other updates, short and sweet:

• School is better, I am finding my groove which allows the kiddos to do the same.  School start is always so hard for me.  The best laid plans of mice and men...
• Erika is giving a big speech tomorrow.  I have not helped her in any way even though I really wanted to.  She wanted to do it all by herself.  She is so independent!!
• Whoever invented 'slug bug' needs a good punch in the arm.  Especially the folks that changed the rules to include all VW's and name colors.
• I am now seeing yet another doctor about my weight.  I went for my 'feminine' problem but he declared me too fat and gave me a list of rules and a follow-up appointment for weight loss in addition to the other stuff.  Alrighty then.  It's a shame I couldn't reach Jesus' hem instead.  It's all gonna be good.  I think.  I have already dropped a pound...he has some pretty drastic rules, but I have been plateaued for over a month-so it is OK to be a little drastic.
• I started Community Bible Study (CBS) today.  It is a study of Genesis and my kids also study the same thing I do. (It also happens to be the subject of my 4th and 5th grade Sunday School class...I think God wants me in Genesis!)  It will be our Bible curriculum and also probably the high point of our week.  I have had people telling me about it for a long time and have just now managed to work it into our routine.  There are alot of homeschoolers involved with it...it is gonna be fun.
• My tennis season is drawing to a close and I am glad.  It has required a whole lot of juggling of other stuff-plus I have not been able to go to aerobics and that is something I really miss!

Okay, that is all for now, have a blessed week, my internetties.

Rough Week

So this week began with me running over my dog and ended with our central air dying.  Did I mention this is back to school week?  (Dog is fine now and air is scheduled to be fixed on Tuesday.  We have loaner window units to get us through til then.  I'm a bit toasty as I type this, but later the room I will be sleeping in will be ice cold.)(Back to school week is over and we made it.  Lilly put in 5 days and Erika and Kayla two...I'm fine with that, Lilly WANTED SCHOOL.  Ask and you shall receive,)

The good thing about this week, though, is the opportunity to get to hear Patrick Mead...(different link from the archives...ONE OF MY FAVES)speak three nights in a row at a neighboring church.  He inspires me and also resonates with me.  I get the sense that he is as frustrated with churches and Christians as I am (as Anne Rice is) and yet he is determined to do something about it.  To be different in real and meaningful ways.  To truly be a church without walls...(our church is focused on this right now.)

(Stepping onto soapbox.)

I subscribe to several Christian Activist ezines.  WHY!!??  I need to get them out of my life because the titles make me so mad, I just delete it without even bothering to read.  There is a world FULL of people who are hurting and they need Jesus.  They don't need church, they need Jesus and fellowship with other believers.  Me boycotting Disney, Walmart, or Target won't be nearly as effective for the kingdom as loving my neighbor. 

TRUE CONFESSION:  I do boycott Hardee's and Burger King.  They both have advertisements that offend me on a regular basis.  I, in turn, don't spend my money there.  I don't care if you do.  I'm not gonna start a mass emailing to make others boycott.  I won't question your Christian-ness when you eat a Hardee's chicken biscuit. If you ask me why, I will tell you it is the fact that they used VERY sexual ads to promote burgers.  Sure sex sells but I don't think it has any place in a burger joint that features kids meals. 

It has nothing to do with Jesus and I'm not gonna pretend that it does.  Jesus cares much more about the girl in that ad who has made life choices that have now made her a sexual object...she has a soul and he wants that soul to know Him.  Jesus longs for the guy buying that burger because he links it to porn to be free from the ravages pornography causes.

(Stepping off soapbox)

In other news, I am not in a good place right now and it is my own fault.  I am once again caught up in the crazy cycle of thinking people are not okay until they fit my model of what okay looks like.  My kids, my husband, even my dog and I have all disappointed me in huge ways this week.  You'd think I would get it...I am officially a slow learner at life.  That still makes me a learner though, and I'll take 'still learning' over 'got it all figured out' any day.

Now, I have to plug SYD because his blog is like a meeting in my reader and I am thankful for his sincere, heartfelt honesty.  Like Jesus, it is something the world needs more of.

The following is a direct quote from him, the emphasized parts are what could have been mine!

SYD speaks to me on every level, most all of the time:

"My lack of boundaries was evident from the amount of time and emotional energy I put into relationships. I was willing to sacrifice a lot and give much more than I got. That's definitely not a good thing and indicates my lack of boundaries. I basically let myself experience feelings of caring and love towards a very needy person who was an alcoholic. By not keeping any semblance of a boundary, I lost my own identity by giving so much of myself.




Probably my biggest lack of a boundary came from having an image of the way the perfect relationship is supposed to be. It was a fantasy, yet reality was far from pretty. This resulted in my giving, with the hope of having the fantasy become reality, but it never did. I had a belief that I couldn't fail and if I persisted, all would be okay. So I would keep pushing, hoping to make what I wanted to happen come true. My motivation was fairly simple: I was terrified of being rejected and abandoned. "

Laughter and Sleep ARE the Best Medicine

I have had a terrible, rotten, no-good, horrible, very bad day.  Yesterday was equally bad. 

I ran over my dog yesterday-Daisy the most wonderfullest black lab in the world.  She is a very lucky girl.  Vet said she is just really banged up and sore.  Then I had to attend meetings and run errands and did not even get to nurture her. 

Last night at midnight she wanted OUT.  Like a fool, I let her.  She was injured and missing all day today.  My family and all of our neighbors have been distraught.  Erik got home before me this afternoon and she was in the bushes by the front door.  Whimpering.  A little crazy.  She still is, but she is alive and walking just fine.  I have tried to nurture her as much as her crazy little self will let me.

There have been many other reasons for these last two days being sucky-but mostly it is the dog.  I love her.  I hope she is noticeably better tomorrow.  She is breaking my heart.

Today was almost made better by the fact that I visited with a friend in town from Colorado.  We laughed and shouted at each other across the table at Chuck E. Cheese.

Later, Erik and I got smeared in a mixed doubles tennis match, but the exercise endorphins are the same.  I ended my night by laughing with a friend via phone call.  Laughter is the best medicine. 

But the funniest thing that happened today was finding this moments ago in my inbox, verbatim:

"I called Jesus and he and I will both be there tonight."

This is from a fellow tennis leaguer regarding her doubles team.  It just struck me as very funny.  This and the fact that I have been talking to Jesus all day, yet still not enough.  And also the fact that my friend told me I should try to find Jesus and touch His hem due to some 'issues' I am having.  Little did I know he would be at tennis!  It is just all rather funny in my over-tired, over-stressed, over-whelmed, under-prepared brain.

Cheers to the arrival of Wednesday...don't let me down, Wednesday.  You have very tiny shoes to fill, so straighten up and be fabulous.

Make My Day

Go ahead, Punk.  Do ya feel lucky?  I'm a little grumpy today.  I would strongly encourage all of you NOT to write a post about being happy-Satan comes at you with both barrels.  So I had alot of circumstances yesterday that were not fun.  Most of them are still in place today.  I have to remind myself that life means there will always be SOMETHING.  The kids will misbehave, crisis will strike, something will break, someone will not treat me like I want to be treated and on and on and on.  Woe unto those whose happiness is strictly circumstantial. 

So, my overall mood is grumpy.  I have too much to do and no desire to do it.  My motivation to do things is very low because of how quickly things get undone.  I am annoyed with the behaviors of many in my household.  I continue to exercise like a hamster in a wheel....with the same result as that hamster (Ever notice how chubby they are?).  However, I am happy.  I have made up my mind to be.  I am content with what I have, who I am, who my children are, who I am married to and all of the other stuff that makes up my journey.  It's a good feeling.

Now, push off and walk away.  Remember, I'm grumpy and this is the last day for a long time that I get to be slothful.  A sluggard.  Beware the sluggard.  RAWR!!

A Tisket, A Tasket...

...a green and yellow basket.  Once upon a time-about 12 years ago, I had all of my eggs in one basket.  My social life basket.  There was my family and there was my social life.  My social life was church.  That is all.  Everything I did came from those people I went to church with.  I had done that cool thing called 'growing up and having a family' that makes all your previous friends run away scared. 

AND, I was unhappy with the church that was to meet all of my socialization.  I was almost always depressed about my friendships.  I never felt like I fit in.  I was convinced there was an in crowd that I wasn't in.  I was convinced every one's home life was happier than mine.  I was basically convinced that in addition to being a loser, I was also a misfit.  This whole combo of misery stayed in place for a LOOOONG time.  If I go back through my blog archives, there are wounds opened bare on almost every church post.  Truthfully, I am still breaking away from it.  However, the last 2-3 years have seen some wonderful changes for janjanmom. 

The main reason life today is different??  All of my 'eggs' are not in one basket.  What a wise old saying: 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket.' is. It is so unwise to hang everything you have on one person or even one group of people. 

These are just a few things that have changed me and my basket in very positive ways.

• I plugged into God more and people less.  I was surprised by how much this changed my world.
• People will hurt me.  People will disappoint me.  It isn't personal, except when it is, but the world does not revolve around me for anyone else but me.  AND, I also hurt and disappoint others AND, no matter how much  I think the hurts other people inflict are worse than mine, they are NOT.
• I had to bring people down off of the pedestals I had put them on.  The assumption I make about the truth of another's life is usually way off-base.  Comparing my worst to their best won't ever end well.
• Misery sucks the lifeblood out of everyone it meets.  This is true whether it is my misery or the misery of someone else-steer clear of it.  BOUNDARIES!!
• I had to realize that the harsh way I judged other people made me judge myself just as harshly.  The expectations I had of friends was unrealistic.  The type of friend I thought I could be was even more so.
• The baggage of pain that I was carrying around from relationship to relationship was keeping me from having relationships.
• My past does not define me, God does.
• My present does not define me, God does.
• Spouses are not two halves joined together as one.  They are two wholes designed to make each other better.  Damn you unity candle service-you skewed me!!  Why did I ever blow my flame out??  Why did he??  We can burn separately AND together.
•  Bringing children into the world forced me to grow up.  Being a parent is responsible for 90 % of the personal growth I have experienced in my life.
• Taking care of my own needs first is not selfish, it is self-sufficient.  Self sufficient people are happier and much more fun to hang out with.

I guess the most amazing revelation of all is this:  when you aren't needy, desperate and miserable, people are more inclined to want to befriend you.  Going right along with that is this:  the friends you make when you are needy, desperate and miserable aren't usually 'keepers'.

As I sit and type this post today, I am happy.  I'm not deliriously happy, but I'm happy.  I have alot of friends.  Good friends, friends I could call in a crisis or celebration.  Friends that are not all in the same 'basket'.  In fact, I have many baskets.  I'm no longer desperate to fit in or in fear of being alone.  I enjoy my solitude as much as socializing.  I could still go back to misery, especially if I am not guarded against it-but I recognize it as being straight from the devil.  He seeks to kill and destroy our lives and everything that is good.

The most ironic part of all of this process, changes, growing up-whatever you want to call it?  The less you need friends, the more God will allow you to have.  Until HE is your primary, he will keep dumping your basket out for you.  WHEN you finally grow up enough to handle an empty basket, your basket will overflow.

God is AMAZING.  He is all about fixing us, but first we must accept that we are broken.