AND, I was unhappy with the church that was to meet all of my socialization. I was almost always depressed about my friendships. I never felt like I fit in. I was convinced there was an in crowd that I wasn't in. I was convinced every one's home life was happier than mine. I was basically convinced that in addition to being a loser, I was also a misfit. This whole combo of misery stayed in place for a LOOOONG time. If I go back through my blog archives, there are wounds opened bare on almost every church post. Truthfully, I am still breaking away from it. However, the last 2-3 years have seen some wonderful changes for janjanmom.
The main reason life today is different?? All of my 'eggs' are not in one basket. What a wise old saying: 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket.' is. It is so unwise to hang everything you have on one person or even one group of people.
These are just a few things that have changed me and my basket in very positive ways.
- I plugged into God more and people less. I was surprised by how much this changed my world.
- People will hurt me. People will disappoint me. It isn't personal, except when it is, but the world does not revolve around me for anyone else but me. AND, I also hurt and disappoint others AND, no matter how much I think the hurts other people inflict are worse than mine, they are NOT.
- I had to bring people down off of the pedestals I had put them on. The assumption I make about the truth of another's life is usually way off-base. Comparing my worst to their best won't ever end well.
- Misery sucks the lifeblood out of everyone it meets. This is true whether it is my misery or the misery of someone else-steer clear of it. BOUNDARIES!!
- I had to realize that the harsh way I judged other people made me judge myself just as harshly. The expectations I had of friends was unrealistic. The type of friend I thought I could be was even more so.
- The baggage of pain that I was carrying around from relationship to relationship was keeping me from having relationships.
- My past does not define me, God does.
- My present does not define me, God does.
- Spouses are not two halves joined together as one. They are two wholes designed to make each other better. Damn you unity candle service-you skewed me!! Why did I ever blow my flame out?? Why did he?? We can burn separately AND together.
- Bringing children into the world forced me to grow up. Being a parent is responsible for 90 % of the personal growth I have experienced in my life.
- Taking care of my own needs first is not selfish, it is self-sufficient. Self sufficient people are happier and much more fun to hang out with.
As I sit and type this post today, I am happy. I'm not deliriously happy, but I'm happy. I have alot of friends. Good friends, friends I could call in a crisis or celebration. Friends that are not all in the same 'basket'. In fact, I have many baskets. I'm no longer desperate to fit in or in fear of being alone. I enjoy my solitude as much as socializing. I could still go back to misery, especially if I am not guarded against it-but I recognize it as being straight from the devil. He seeks to kill and destroy our lives and everything that is good.
The most ironic part of all of this process, changes, growing up-whatever you want to call it? The less you need friends, the more God will allow you to have. Until HE is your primary, he will keep dumping your basket out for you. WHEN you finally grow up enough to handle an empty basket, your basket will overflow.
God is AMAZING. He is all about fixing us, but first we must accept that we are broken.