Bright Spots

As I lay in bed this morning, I could not help but reflect on my post from last night. It was a tough time for me and my references to the church may have sounded derogatory-they were not, the church folks giving us advice did not send me to a dark place. The classes I attended had nothing to do with my insecurities-it was all me, baby. My journey made me insecure and depressed. My past and what I thought was my present took me to an extreme low and my reactions to normal conversations was very flawed indeed. In fact, supermoms taught me so many good things that I have often declared that it saved my life. Even some of those parenting classes and discussions gave me kernels of truth about parenting that I still cling to.

So now, without further adieu, some of the many people that were bright spots in my darkness:

Otillian: She always said something nice about me and my parenting. Often she shared a story about her life and kids that made me smile.

Erik's mom and dad: They went to our church then and always helped us with the kiddos during church-even bringing a special bag of books and toys. My mother-in-law is one of the most encouraging people I know. She loves me and brags on me so much I'm almost embarrassed-but mostly I like it. She and Jerry have blessed in ways too numerous to mention. My in-laws are the best in-laws in the world.

Jennifer S.: I reminded her of herself because she had two so close together too. She and Kenton and her kids babysat for us often but mostly just became good friends and mentors.

Michelle H.: Held my babies alot even though-and I didn't know this then-she doesn't like babies. She was always pursuing me and helping me if I needed it.

Stephanie R.: Kept my kiddos for at least one long weekend-but I think it was two-so that Erik and I could get away and have some much needed time together. She also still loves my kiddos and they love her. Like really love her, they gravitate to her before and after church to love and be loved on.

Rhonda B.: Oh the places we've gone! She was the homeschooler that made me want to. She invited us along on many of their daytrips and it was a delight! She also kept my kids for a weekend for Erik and I to take a long weekend trip during our anniversary. My kids still idolize her kids quite a bit because they always made the kids feel really special-they still make my kids feel really special. She and her husband, Steve, have always gone above and beyond to encourage us as young parents. Once Steve even loaned us their camper and actually even set it up and tore it down for us.

Terrell: Our preacher. Oh my, he has counselled us(mostly just me though) more times than Carter's got pills. He has watched me cry more than anyone else I know. AND, he still likes us. He overlooks our flaws and sees our potential. A preacher that is truly your friend is a blessing indeed.

Lynn N.: Encouraged me to draw closer to God no matter what. Paid my way to go to Bible study the first time because she sensed that might be why I didn't sign up. She also is the biggest source of encouragement to my husband in the whole church, past, present and future.

Keith W.: Spoke the truth in love to me in a way no one else would. It cut me to the quick and I didn't really like him for a long time. However, the things he said did more to improve my life and my marriage than any other thing ever. Also, he and Jane mentored us like crazy every chance they had. Best neighbors ever.

Of course, there are more. There are also some that are much more recent. However, these are the people who loved me through the darkness. The people who actively sought me out to mentor a young mom with no self confidence. I hope I am able to follow in their giant footprints someday and be an encouragement to other folks.

The funny thing about depression, or even just low self esteem-I had a fatal combo-is that it taints how you see the things around you. Your 'truth' isn't actually truth at all. It is more of a dark cloud that hangs over everything you do. Hypersensitivity, low self-esteem and depression are a deep pit. It has been hard to climb out of that huge pit and with God's help, I hope to never slip back into it again.

Evolution of Parenting

When I first visited the 'hood called parenting, I had no clue what to do. I did not grow up in a home that would fit any kind of normal. It was not structured or nurturing. My mom did the very best she knew how, and considering her own background...she was parent of the millennium. She broke a chain in her family. However, the first kids in a chain breaking cycle are challenged to say the least. In fact, so challenged that I did not wish to have children or ever get married. Then I met Erik and decided to marry and maybe even have a child. I was convinced that his 'normal' would make us OK parents.

Since I was so poorly educated in the field of parenting, I read every book I could get my hands on so I could become an expert. I also attended a Bible Study called supermoms where I was mentored in how to be a supermom. You know what? I felt like a supermom. My house was clean, my kids were happy and when I COMPARED myself to those around me, I fell somewhere in the middle. I knew people doing better and people doing worse. I felt good with that at first. However, winning at parenting became very important to me. When a parenting tip came my way, I worked it in. I would be a good mom no matter what. Having two kids right in a row is very difficult to say the least. I would overcome that and also continue breaking the cycle of my past ushering in a new normal. I did not just want to be a good mom, I wanted to be the mom everyone else wanted to be like. I longed to finally be pronounced a 'supermom'. I was judgemental, proud and miserable in my own skin.

God, in His infinite wisdom, decided the only way to humble me would be another child. A bubbly child that brought a new level of enthusiasm to our family. A child that also brought with her a new set of rules. This one not only did not suffer from colic for four months, she slept in her own bed...mostly though the night at 2 weeks. She was different in so many ways but as she grew older, the biggest difference was how the tried and true things I had used as discipline for the other two did not exactly work on this one. (In retrospect, I'm not sure how much they worked on the other two or if they just gave in to get a break from me-LOL) Thank you God for the gift of Lilly. Without her, I would have remained content to be 'winning' at being miserable.

Adding a third child also made quite a difference in my housekeeping abilities. Instead of tidying up each night before I went to bed, I sort of gave up a little. Lowered my 'clean' standards a bit. AND I felt like a failure in so many ways. I began to get a taste of sibling rivalry that made me balk! Not my kids! They would love each other like siblings had never loved before because it was first and foremost in the desires of my heart for my children. I began to not be such a strict mom-I started choosing my battles very carefully...and not very often. I began to lower my parenting standards and felt destined for 'bad mommyhood' because of my own upbringing. As others in church would hold classes or just conversations about parenting, I would feel smaller and smaller until I almost felt like I had nothing to even offer my kids but a tired, broken spirit. I began to kind of give up a little. I was still playing the comparison game and losing to anyone I respected. Sometimes even losing to people
I didn't respect. I even reached a point where I did not like my kids very much. How could I? I didn't even like myself. I recall several events where people boldly gave us parenting advice without us asking. They told us, "What you need to do is...." They made comments about their own parenting style and abilities that made me feel lower than low. Looking back it probably was more my frame of mind than their intent-but the hurt still hurt the same.

I would have to confess that I am only emerging from that dark place in the last few years and it has been very hard to shake the feelings of inadequacy. My comfort comes from knowing that I am the parent God meant for my kids to have. Two of my best mentors were fellow homeschoolers-Steph. S. and Karri B. Steph S. taught me that there is no condemnation in the Lord. We are to accept ourselves as his children-the way he made us. Karri B. taught me that we each get to decide our own rules for ourselves and our family. They were so impactful in my life and then they both moved to Texas-I was devastated and had to go visit them...to cling to them a bit longer. In many ways, I was so broken during that trip. I had a meltdown while visiting Summer and also Stephanie. They loved me through it with no judgement and it was good.

It was only in that brokenness and the influence of good Texan friends that I began to rise out of the ashes. He has a plan for my growth as well as the growth of my children and when I look back over my mommydom, I can definitely see a loving mom who is improving. I choose my mentors very carefully these days. I don't judge my worst against the best of others. I don't believe there is a 'normal' family. I don't believe any one's life is ever as perfect as it looks from the outside. I also have slowly but surely weeded out that need to compete with a heartfelt need to be mentored and even do a little mentoring. I no longer feel like parenting is black and white/good or bad. I no longer feel like I have to follow the same rules that everyone else does. I no longer feel like I have to keep a playbook that changes according to the latest advice I have been given. I have come to realize that sometimes the advice someone I respect with great children is NOT RIGHT for my family. I have come to realize that some people who think they have awesome children have blinders on. I have also come to know people who declare themselves failures at parenting who have awesome children that are a joy to know.

Do I have perfect children? No. Do my children have perfect parents? No. Not even close on either one. However, my children know we aren't perfect, we embrace our imperfections and quirks. We embrace their imperfections and quirks. Parenting is the hardest job in the world. We are all gonna make mistakes-sometimes big ones, that is LIFE! Finally though, I have enough prayer and God-time in my life to feel like I can do it. I treat my children like people instead of animals I have trained. No, they don't do cool tricks to impress people. No one is beating down my door to brag on my awesomely behaved children and beg for parenting tips. I don't have any parenting tips to share with anyone EXCEPT, love your children as you LOVE YOURSELF. Loving yourself has to be first. (insert serenity prayer here) No one else can ever love your kids like you can. They won't crave love from anyone else but you. Does this mean give them everything they want and never say no? Of course not, but it does mean to give them YOU. A good strong healthy YOU.

My new plan- keep me strong, love God, love myself, love my husband and love my kids. AND HOLD ON, it is a roller coaster most of the time.

Dumb and Dumber

BABY FACE
(and her beanie babies)

TABBY

(and her beanie babies)

The girls have really loved these cats, posing them into all sorts of ridiculous poses and usually with the full cooperation of this dynamic duo. We all loved on them to the best of our ability despite their fatal flaw: an inability to use the litter box.

Initially, I thought it was only one of them, but I was wrong. They were affectionately known as Tabby and Babyface but Erik and I call them 'the poopers'. Often they were just plain old 'stupid cats!' We had a good compromise for keeping the kits, they had to be outside 50-75% of the time so that their bathroom duties(doodies) could take place in the great wide open. However, during our Florida trip, we were forced to bring them indoors so that they could have food and water.

To return our kind gesture, the kittens promptly pooped and peed all over my laundry room in a rather heinous fashion.

The following day I went to our homeschool yahoo group and offered one up for free to the first available home. I told of her non-litter-like behavior and implored that she only be considered as a barn cat. I got a reply almost immediately. And then I hopefully asked if her sister might come along too as they would do better as a pair. BINGO!

Erik made the drop and he said on the way to the meeting place, both cats were snuggly and adorable. (Lower IQ cats are sweetest.)

I have to say I miss the little fur balls, but not enough to miss sidestepping poop in the laundry room. Gray Gray is now Queen of the Manor and I really like being down to just one cat to snuggle and clean up after.

Oh Monday, Thou Hast Forsaken Me!

Sunday, we kicked off our new Growth Group (formerly CARE group-the joke is that no one cares anymore). The goal of these groups is to find a group that makes you very comfortable and allows personal growth. I feel the same way I always feel when we start a new group-I won't ever feel that close with THIS group. I am almost always wrong in that feeling as life somehow knits each and every group closer than you thought possible. That just proves my theory that those in life guided only by feelings are missing out on a great many things. It is a very interesting bunch of folks though and our family has the privilege of hosting this Sunday which makes me pray for lovely weather because we have a small living space +our group has a lotto kids.

Monday, very early Monday, around 2:30 AM I woke up and RAN to the bathroom to be sick. This running continued until about 2PM. At approximately 2PM, I lay on the couch as still as possible and prayed to not have any more 'events'. My prayers were answered but my stomach did not stop hurting for many more hours. My good friend Amanda brought me Sprite which is required for happy sickness. (She dropped it on the porch and ran-no cooties that way!) Then Hubby brought the kids some lunch and more Sprite because he loves me and the kids have to eat. Monday is our busiest day of the week and also our most enjoyed. I hated cancelling that day but it was a requirement.

Late Monday night I began to wait for someone else to start V & D, but alas, the quarantine and hand sanitizer did the trick. No one else became sick. Tuesday, I was prepared to cancel the day again except that I felt like a new woman. We went on to Lilly's art class, I just tried to keep myself isolated from the main group just in case.

I cannot believe it is Wednesday already. Wow. I really prefer weeks with a Monday. I hate it when my favorite day gets cancelled. Today we will be catching up with so many things we are behind with. Ketchup...ketchup....ketchup. (That will make you chuckle if you love Prairie Home Companion as much as our family.)

My Favorite Vacation Pic

They had so much fun playing in the waves!! The ocean was FREEZING cold but the sun was warm. I love this one where Mae is up in the air. Also, if you look closely, you can see the horrible rash Lilly's super sensitive skin is getting from the rough sand-so don't look closely.

Bloggy Evolution

Why do I blog? As I type that, several answers come to mind. Then I smile because these are not the same answers I would have given when I started the blog. Then a couple years after starting the blog, the answers changed. AND, now they are changed again. Which brings up another reason: a record of the changes I have made in my life, for better or worse. So now I will share a few of my reasons-past and present- for blogging and I hope you will tell me some of your reasons in a post of your own linked here or just by leaving a comment.

1. The number one reason I started to blog was because I always wanted to keep a journal. Every year I would pick out a new journal and begin a log of my days. I would generally keep that journal for about 14 days, give or take. The last entry would be a rant about someone in my life that I was angry with and then I guess anger would take over and I no longer journaled. OR, maybe I was wrong in how I handled it and chose not to admit it in any sort of permanent record. (GRIN) Almost every journal page was ripped out and ripped to shreds because I did not like myself or what I wrote and for sure didn't want it around for posterity's sake. This is the reason I don't allow myself to delete posts very often...I need the reminders for my blog behavior to be good. I also am proud of just how long I have been blogging. Someday, I'll figure out how to make my blog a book and future generations can see how fruity and flaky their great great great grandma was and know they got it honest!
2. When we look back over our lives via brain power memory, we forget how things really were. I have heard my mom say things like, "You girls never fought very much." HA, I can remember some knock down drag-outs over the phone. It's no wonder we are all tender headed-our nerves have been pulled to the surface. I want to leave a bit of a legacy for my children that hopefully gives some clues to how life 'really was'. Now, granted, blogging does generally lend itself to some 'glossing over' of details here and there-but overall I would say I am a pretty 'real' blogger. Of course I leave some things out, DUH, I'm not stupid. (At least not as stupid as when I first began blogging!)
3. I wanted to serve as an encouragement to other moms out there-especially homeschoolers. So many times we are comparing ourselves to other people to our detriment. Since my life is so chaotic, I thought I could offer some hope to other moms swimming in chaos too.
4. A sort of ministry tool. I think I am a good example of how far-reaching God's grace is. If I can be a Christian, anyone can be a Christian. I wouldn't call my past shady-I would call it a spot in the middle of the forest that sunlight only made it to from time to time. Even now with my ways mended, I don't claim perfect or even near-perfect status and I try really hard to accept people where they are-whatever that may entail. I hate the reputation that so many of God's people have embraced(sadly, me too sometimes)-the Bertha better than you homophobe hypocrite bad tipping clique-y country club mentality makes me cry out for God to get us all back on track to loving our neighbor.
5. Social networking. I hate that phrase but it is true. I have made friends with other bloggers that I would never meet in real life. I took a detour in my vacation once to meet a lady in Texas who never blogs anymore-but was an incredible blessing to me when she did. We are Facebook friends. I met another local blogger and really enjoyed meeting her and our kids played wonderfully together. (This summer, Shanna-I mean it!) It has deepened friendships with real life people and allowed some of my distant relatives to get to know me better.
6. Mood tracking. I now fully realize that at least one week out of the month will reflect feelings of complete and utter despair. This is commonly referred to as PMS and once upon a time I bragged that this malady did not affect me. THE BLOG proved that to be a false conclusion. Also, not to long ago, perusing through my constant bad days one right after the other and the occasional inability to get out of bed forced me to seek some much needed medical attention.
7. A place to vent. Not a healthy thing to do, especially when you are be-yotching about things involving people who may call you to the carpet for it in real life. (I love you, Terrell!) Hello accountability! I no longer feel comfortable blogging about issues involving people/things I am struggling with. Not because of the confrontations it has produced, more because of the fact that my mind and opinions often change and then the venting makes me feel kind of like a giant thorn in the side of someone I dearly love. Plus-it is MY POINT OF VIEW. There really are two sides to every story and sometimes hearing the other side is enlightening. Then you feel like a super jerk. You ever had that happen? When your blog post makes people happy just like a turd in the punchbowl says 'PARTY!' Well I can count the times I have done that using all of my fingers and toes and I am trying really hard to learn from my mistakes and follow the advice Matthew gives us for solving disputes instead of having a bloggy pity party of "Woe is me!". Don't misread me though-you all know I am still venting and always will, it is just a healthier brand of vent!
8. Finally, the main reason I blog. I am a talker, writer and overall lover of words. I believe that God has given me more words that the average Joe. Right now, I don't really have a word outlet other than this here blog. Even if no one read this blog, it blesses the conversations I have with my family and friends. Why? Because then I don't have to get it all out in a conversation with them. I can even claim a slight bit of introvertedness since becoming a blogger. I enjoy my alone time in a way I never did before. I like me more now that I feel I know myself better. I have come to know me and love me in a way I never did pre-blogging.

I can't wait to hear some of your reasons why you blog and wouldn't mind hearing from some of you lurkers as to why you would NEVER blog.

Spring Fever!

Lawsy Mercy! I've got ton of March flowers, sprouts of flowers popping up, and very antsy children! It is so hard to have school on days when it is warm and sunny. We are still having a productive day today, despite the sunshine and tomorrow is SATURDAY!!

Today I am washing the gray out of my hair. It was very much taking over all of my hair. It is medium ash brown-the usual. I am going to try to schedule a haircut soon, my hair is very long which means I am usually wearing it in a ponytail. That is not a very flattering look for me. It accentuates my chubby cheeks.

My timer is about to go off for rinse time. Have a wonderful day-I hope it is as beautiful where you are as it is here today. If not, be patient, spring is on her way and I've got the flowers to prove it!

Hospitality

The week we spent in Florida was delightful. It was that way because of how lovingly we were received. Our relatives were eager to receive us. We were blessed by that in an amazing way. It is a lost art in this day and age, hospitality. We tend more to hole up in our own little worlds and mind our own business. Keep to ourselves. Talk to a whole lot of people in superficial ways-like texting, short emails, and Facebook. We limit ourselves to one or two close friends and keep everyone else at a safe distance. We are really selling ourselves short, aren't we? My favorite fellowship is face time. I want to see expressions, hear jokes-not read LOL or (grin) and really be in a conversation with someone.

It is my desire to work at being a better friend, a better person and sand the rust off of my hospitality skills. It is easy for me to say that my house is not big enough. It is easy to say that because we are not wealthy we cannot entertain. Those have been my greatest barriers. However, the truth is that no one minds either of those things when they are eagerly received. Even a small, not quite pristine home and an inexpensive meal can show someone how much you love and appreciate them. The gift of hospitality is not limited to those with big houses and wallets. I need to remind myself of that often and quit listening to everything out there that tells me something different. (Mostly it is me telling myself that!) I am going to quit comparing what I have to others and just be generous with all God has given to me.