Parenting

I am in a funk.  Parenting is so stinking hard.  Sometimes I forget and I am busy enjoying my kids and it sort of sneaks up on me and slaps me hard in the face....figuratively, that is.  My kids don't love each other like I want them to.  They don't have the confidence I have worked hard to instill in them.  They are often mean without provocation and they don't seem to appreciate having parents that work hard to provide for them and protect them.

I know that I am supposed to be a level-headed, even-tempered woman by now and I am NOT.  I turn 40 in just a few days and I always figured I would be a bit more mature by now.  I am not. 

I tell you what I am though.  I am strong enough to know that when I am feeling weak and broken, God will mend me and give me strength.  I know that when I lose hope of ever being a good mom, that is when God will use my broken spirit to break a generational curse.  I know that when I feel there is no possible way to go on, God holds my head up and gives me peace that surpasses understanding. 

The best part of being a parent is being able to know that my Heavenly Father has my back.  He fills in all the gaping holes my parenting leaves.  He binds up the broken and comforts the hurting.  That includes me.

I am thankful for peace in the valleys of parenting.  There are mountaintops that make me so happy I can't imagine my heart not bursting.  Times when my children make me feel proud and honored to have such a noble profession.  But the valleys are the times of testing.  The times when I can say and do things that suck all the joy from all of our lives.  I am so thankful for new mercies every morning...especially this morning. 

I'm going to my Father now, to rest in the assurance that He did know what he was doing when he made me a mother X 3.  Hopefully, before time to see the children again, I will be ready with an encouraging loving word again...and probably an apology.

Friends

It's funny, how popular Facebook is. (So popular, in fact, that most of my blogs of late seem to involve the word.)  In fact, it has made me rethink an idea that I used to have.  I used to think that you could never have too many friends.  I was wrong.  Facebook clients have too many friends.  Even if you were amazingly selective and limited yourself to 10 Facebook friends...it would still be too many to keep up with and you would probably LITERALLY be rejecting at least one friend request per day.  It is such a superficial communication means that, at best, is a way to inform alot of people something very important: death, sickness, tragedy...or, at worst, air a petty grievance to too many folks.  And yet, we are in love with it.

So easy to update your life with a sentence and catch up with others by reading their sentence.  And if that isn't enough...there is always a Twitter option...which is Facebook on crack.

Facebook, for me, is a way to get to my true drug of choice: Word with Friends.  I am playing Scrabble with people I would never get to sit down and play Scrabble with and that is sooo AWESOME.  You learn alot about people when you play Scrabble with them. You learn about yourself too.  Triple point letter block  and the only word you can make is 'piss'...well, there are those who would never and those like me.

I digress.  The point of this post is that YES, you can have too many friends.  You can have more people that you are in touch with than you could ever keep up with as TRUE friends.  AND, if you have grand expectations of all of those friendships, Facebook will be a place where you get your heart broken into thousands of sharp and cutting shards.  However, if you can keep your perspective and think of Facebook as the greatest networking tool ever invented...a place to really 'additionally' connect with a SELECT FEW and loosely connect with everyone you have ever met or hope to meet...then you, my 'friend' have hit the jackpot of "Let's keep in touch."

Caught Up...Sorta

This week, I am finally back to part-time at my part-time job.  For three weeks I was so much closer to full time.  I don't have time for full-time.  Someday, but for now, that is not part of the plan for our family.  In fact, it was quite a strain.  And Erik...knocked my socks off.  Why?  Because he has been so wonderful and helpful.  He always has been, of course.  But during this time, he kicked it up a notch and I have become a very spoiled lady.  He will still be helpful, but it is going to be really hard for me to return to the usual 'homekeeper' role.  I liked being lazy.  Even though I'm not sure it can really be called that.  Really, we are just taking more of a team approach.  And honestly, that is kind of the best way.

So, I am getting caught up on all the things of life I had to let slip away.  Blog reader is now showing no unread blogs.  Perhaps now, I will be able to blog more.  I have noticed that I am not the only blogger that has slowed down on posting.  I do love the blogosphere.  It is a priority for me, to read and be read. 

I don't have alot interesting to share though.  I am pretty boring today.  Got a mental to-do list going in my head that won't allow me much more down time.  So here are a few catch-ups:

• I turn 40 next month.  Lots of people have bucket lists and things they want to accomplish before a milestone age.  Me, I think I will just quietly get older.  Maybe 45 or 50 will bring on a different mindset.  At 40, I am happy-with me, my life and my family.  THAT in itself is quite miraculous and should be the top of everyone's bucket list.
• My laundry is almost caught up.  YEAH!
• I hate the people who run for office.  I know Sarah Palin wasn't perfect, but what a breath of fresh air.  Can we get a whole Congress of people who are just like you and me?  At this point, I would vote for Donald Trump.  Just to do something different.  That would at least be some change.
• I would like to have SNOW! or SUNSHINE!  I truly dislike gray as our primary weather. 
• Hubby and I are beginning to get really excited about planning our 20th anniversary cruise.  It won't take place until 2014...but still, we are so excited.
• My oldest daughter will turn 16 this year and that makes me want to hide my head under the pillow and cry.  I have such a love/hate/anguished/giddy mindset about my kids growing up. They are each so unique and wonderful soft-hearted girls.  I feel good about the ways God has blessed them through my extremely flawed parenting.  I am thankful that He has equipped the called in this case, because this momma certainly did not come equipped.
• A friend asked me for parenting advice last night.  After I laughed out loud, I said, "Do the best you know how.  Give lots of hugs and apologies for all the times you screw it up."  I could throw out some other stuff that I have gleaned through observing the parents of good kids I know and child rearing books...but no one else can ever know what works best for MY kid or MY family except God.  I try to include HIM more than anyone else and think people would do well to always keep that in the forefront of parenting.  It is the toughest job you will ever love.  It is also the only job that will make you want to retire to an evening of crying because of what you fear 'might' happen 'someday'...at least I've never had another job that got that reaction from me.
• I have only had about 4 of those evenings in my parenting career,  please don't judge me for something most people wouldn't admit to. ( :
• I am determined to make this day very productive...and not just with a blog post.  Off I go to take on the world.

Happy New Year!

If Facebook did not exist, I would not only keep up with my blog more...I would also read blogs more.  The allure of facebook is not its depth, it is a very shallow form of communicating.  It is the fact that I can keep up with family in Ohio, Florida, California, Chicago and many other places with one comment.  Not to mention all the local folks.  So, that makes me love it.  I know when someone is born, when someone dies, when someone is going through a rough patch and many other things that I may or may not want to know.

Blogging though, is my first love.  The depth, the connections, the ability to say what I need to say, when I need to say it is a blessing.  The fact that my daughters may read it someday and know the 'real' me is a legacy I could not give them any other way.  I tried keeping journals and it just isn't something I can be consistent at, but blogging has been a constant in my life for almost 7 years.  Wow.

As last year ended, I have to say I am happy to wave it on.  I am excited to start a brand spanking new year that, so far, is regret free.  I hope we don't lose anyone this year.  Is a death-free year even a possibility?  We are still reeling from the loss of Erik's dad.  His absence was so painful all through the holidays.  He was alot like me in that he loved holidays and every pie I saw reminded me of his love of making pies.  Hubby doesn't talk about it much, but I know he lost his best friend when he lost his dad. 

So this year, we are trying desperately to make the most of the time we have left with our children, I don't doubt the high school years will fly by and I happen to know the elementary and middles school ones do to.  As my sister told me today, it does all change when they can drive.  Not in a bad way...but the growing up and slipping away begins and so quickly progresses.  We have some big plans for summer and we have to keep a pretty tight budget to make sure they can happen.  I love summer but hate tight budgets, so my feelings are mixed.

Above all though, I am most excited about my attitude transplant.  I finally quit expecting other people to make me happy and decided just to choose it. (Bless you Jane White for teaching me that...sorry to have been such a slow learner!) Most of the time, in spite of my circumstances, I am able to feel it, live it and love it.  Unfortunately, I passed the expectation part onto my offspring and now will spend many years trying to unteach what I accidentally taught.

I am happier than I have even been and for the most part, nothing changed but me.  Funny how that works.  I am truly blessed beyond words to serve a God that gives me grace and teaches me wisdom...when I am willing to receive them.

 2012, I am ready.  Bring on the good, the bad and the ugly...but if I can order, I'd prefer just the good.  Happy New Year, blogosphere!