I Think I Can...

My oldest daughter was halfway through third grade and my middle daughter was halfway through second grade when I pulled them out to begin our homeschool adventure.  Lilly has never been to public school.  That translates into 7 school years as a homeschool teacher.  I look back on all of our years together so fondly.  It has been as much a learning experience for me as it has been for them.  I taught Lilly to read and she is an excellent reader.  That feels good.  I taught everyone their multiplication tables.  I've taught sex ed and puberty.  I've made all of our vacations a learning experience.  I have had the sad epiphany that there is no escaping the mean girl syndrome-in or out of school.  I also realize most girls will be on both sides of the mean girl fence before they finds their happy place.  I have refereed, played games, taught nature, art and even some P.E. here and there.  I have refereed and done Bible studies and devotions.  I have refereed and prayed for wisdom, patience and the grit to make it through.  I have prayed for future spouses, happy dispositions and non-moody days.

I have no regrets.  I have poured my heart and soul into my family.  I have had so much fun...but now?  Now, I have reached a season where it has become very difficult to go on with schooling in our home.  I'm not enjoying my children like I once did.  I feel pulled in three different directions and I wonder how I can nurture and sustain three COMPLETELY different personalities, not to mention three different grade levels. 

I am praying to make it through each day...usually before the day has even begun.  Nothing lofty-just to make it through the day and perhaps even be somewhat loving.  Some days the prayer is just to like my kids all day, give them hugs and keep the yelling/non-yelling  ratio somewhat balanced.  Am I losing all the benefits of homeschool if I am angry, irritable and defeated all the time?  Yes, I think so.

I am praying that God will give me a very clear direction and the passion and resolve needed for whichever direction that is. 

Erika wants to go to public school next year because she feels like high school is full of things she will regret not having if she continues to homeschool.  Lilly feels the same way.  Kayla wants to be homeschooled forever.  I am okay to let my little birds all fly away from the nest to school OR keep them all in the nest but not at all excited about having a foot in each world. 

The thought of no lesson plans makes me smile.  No papers to grade=more smiles.  However, the thought of no field trips, no projects, no learning games, no pajama days, no table science and an empty clean house nearly puts me into crying hysterics.

I'm not sure what direction we are headed in, but either way, there are changes on the horizon and new things in our future.  I am praying that God will not only equip me for the next few years, but that He will give me peace and enthusiasm to make these final years with my baby birds the best years ever.  Home school or public school, I want to be the best mom and teacher I can be.

In the mean time, I keep chugging along, determined that I can make it through this year and come to a smooth decision that works for everyone next year.  I can do it, I can.  One day at a time.  One hour at a time.  One minute at a time.

Bit and Pieces

• I had my 20 year reunion this past weekend.  It was very fun and enlightening on many levels.  I had a great time because I have finally arrived...as in, I like me-you can like me too OR NOT and I will still be OK.  AND then the flip side of that coin which is, I like you.  You can take it or leave it but I like you despite the past or any other hurdles.  This is in no way related to my 20 year reunion, it just happens to be my mental state at the 20 year pow-wow.  This frame of mind allowed me to visit with many, have enjoyable conversations, make connections and then say goodbyes and leave with the wonderful man I married.  I won't see most of those people again for a long time but they still are a small part of who I am and I savor the contact I have with them-even if it is infrequent.
• I had a really great support group meeting tonight.  It was only 3 of us 'regulars' and so we skipped alot of formalities and cut to the chase.  Our basic issue was power.  The power we give away to others and the power we try to have over others.  Ridiculous if you give it much thought.  God created us to be souls with free will.  So why is power such an irresistible force?  I struggle with it and yet fully realize the futility.  My way is just so much easier.  Power struggles are rooted in selfishness and selfishness is the root of nearly every conflict and sin that exists.  I feel very blessed to have such an amazing group to meet with and be influenced into making better decisions for myself.
• Co-op is stretching me in ways I could not have predicted.  I am being forced into some creative problem solving.  I am often required to slowly examine all sides of an issue and then slowly and methodically work with several other people to find solutions. My default is making quick decisions with little thought and then trying to deal with any issues that crop up later, so this is new terrain for me.  I am enjoying it though.  It's not an easy teaching year as I am doing research papers with the older kids.  If any of you have tips on how to make that fun, let me know!!  AND the younger kids just want to play...so I am going to try to be more fun and games, less bookwork.  That is very hard for me because I believe in the power of grammar.  AND I love it and want others to love it as well. I should be about settled in to a routine by Christmas.
• My other school work is almost in a really good groove.  I just have to realize that I MUST hold my children accountable to their assignments.  This is easier this year than any other because I am spending so much of my time getting them all neat-like on a paper for checking off.  That does not mean it is easy in any way, just easier than other years.  ( :
• Now, to end on a fun note.  Most all of my clothes are reaching the point of being REALLY too big to wear.  What a wonderful blessing.  The good thing is that I have recently purchased a few things here and there on the small tight side-foreseeing this day.  However, none of those things were shorts and it continues to be 90 here.  I have smaller jeans passed on to me by a friend...I have no shorts.  I need cooler weather please. 

Getting back to blogging on a regular basis has cleared my thinking in such a noticeable way.  Funny how those words swimming around in my head all the time need to get drained on a regular basis to prevent being all jumbled up.  Blogging is good for my mental health.  (Now I'm gonna go listen to Quiet Riot and bang my head.  Mental Health will drive you mad!)

Google Reader is a spoiled princess that can never be satisfied.  I have come to the conclusion that if I am going to blog, she has to play second fiddle.  If not, then I will never blog regularly again.  I want to blog regularly.  So from now on, no reader until blog is updated.

My weight is the topic of the day.  I am still losing.  People are beginning to notice and comment.  This has always been a deal breaker before.  It made me freak out to know so many people were even aware of my size.  It really freaked me out when it was a male.  I would comfort myself with a cookie or two and start jogging back to the weight I was.  This time it has not had that effect on me (as much).  I am armed with some tools.  The first tool is the healthy card.  My body deserves to be at a healthy weight.  It deserves to be able to get up and down easily and exercise without the fear of a massive coronary.  My kids and husband deserve a healthy me. (I do to!)  I may die tomorrow, there is no way to know how many days I have left on this earth, but I don't want it to be from obesity...or complications of obesity.  I have a gun pointed at my temple.  That gun is diabetes.  It is loaded and ready to shoot me at any time if I don't keep myself healthy.  I could play the genetics card and feel destined for it to happen and then eat accordingly.  I'm choosing not to do that. 

I have now officially lost 32 pounds.  Not sure what my goal weight is...but I'll know it when I get there.  I am not striving for supermodel...just normal, whatever that is.  ( ;

Monday, you are beautiful, fresh and your autumnal glow makes my heart sing.

Weigh-In

I have a weigh in today and I am excited.  Two sentences could not be less likely to travel together.  The diet thing is going so well.  I am so ready to really lose the weight that cheating isn't much of a temptation.  Sure, there are times when I am tempted, but I just know that sugars and starches have done me harm...probably all the sentences I am writing.  When you think of something as harmful, it is a bit easier to give it up.  And, Russell Stover has a complete line of sugar free candy.  While it is not delicious, it is OK.  Ok, it isn't really all that good at all BUT it is sugar free.

Today is Bible study.  We have had somewhere to be early in the morning every day this week and it is nearly killing me...but my kids just love it.  They get up and get ready before me.  Finally, I see how the other half lives.  I despise getting up early...and going to bed early.  I do prefer my days when I get up early though.  Morning hours are the most productive, even if they are not my favorites.

In closing, I hope each of you has a wonderful Wednesday.  I plan to live it to the fullest...just full without the carbs .

SHADES of Change

If all else fails, color your hair.  That is my motto for this week.  I'm not exactly down, just hopelessly behind and scattered with a heaping side of disorganization.  I can't seem to find my focus for this week...or last week.  Last week, however, is over.  This week nearly is as well, so I shall color my hair instead of doing all the other things I should be doing.  But first, I am coloring Erika's.  She begged.  I am weak.  AND, it isn't purple.

I recently read a book about unschooling which sounded AWESOME.  Then I remembered that I am really not that mom anymore.  That makes me really sad.  there was a time when I could have pulled it off, it would have been such a natural fit.  Now, my kids are really late in the game to begin to reprogram and I'm pretty sure I am too.  I am not content with how my year is going this year and I lack the OOOOMPH to change it.  I am dedicating this weekend to giving it my best shot...5th week revamp.  I am confident God will grant me just the right amount of OOOMPH.

Okay, that is the whole of my 'deep thoughts' today.  Sorry, I worked on catching up on my google reader today and that is about all a person can do after a prolonged absence. 

Thanks Hula!  You gave me a comment after such a long break.  I'll try to share the comment love with everyone else in the next few days.  AND remember that even the pioneer woman doesn't get all that many comments when she isn't giving away awesomeness.  Okay-it is STILL alot of comments but the percentage drops way down-WHATEVER!

Back From Hiatus

You can imagine what a state I am in, having gone so long without writing anything.  The thoughts in my head are all crashing into one another.  There have been at least two five-thought pile-ups.  I am an emotional wreck and my conversation skills are stunted.  How have you been?

I am a bit overscheduled this school year.  I am trying very hard to meet the social needs of my 3 social butterflies and it has almost put me in the loony bin.  I am trying diligently to follow through on some commitments and then begin to pare back some of our activities.  It will be a very painful thing, this paring back. 

• I have actually had the thought recently, "Can one have too many friends?"  I used to say no, never.  I still believe that at my core, I just don't feel like I am being a very good friend to any of my friends.  Several of them are being REALLY AWESOME friends to me though.  I can't even begin to list all the ways I have been blessed by friendships lately.  God has really heaped on some blessings via my friends.  Actually, I think that may have always been the case...I'm just at a heightened state of awareness right now because I am really weak and needy.
• I have lost 9 more pounds in the last couple of weeks and I am actually looking forward to returning to the doctor for my next weigh in.  No sugar and no starches.  It really is simple...after a few days of it are under my belt.  I truly believe sweets and breads are my addiction.  Right now I feel like a normal person-a person who isn't driven constantly by the craving of food, especially sweets.  I am enjoying it.
• School...  Let's just say we have started and our co-op has also started.  I am already behind on grading papers and the kids are often doing double work to make up for insane scheduling.  Co-op is going to be just as challenging as I thought.  I don't think I am co-op material, it just always sounds so good.  I gaze longingly at the bus as it drives by and wonder aloud, "Why am I doing this again?  I forgot." 

Well, I guess that catches everything up...I'm gonna stop now and wait until this storm cloud isn't over my head before I blog again.  Maybe tomorrow when I am all caught up. ( ;  HAHAHAHA, now that's funny I don't care who you are.