I have been letting what people think rule my life since forever. Concurrently, I have been rebelling against those same people since forever. As a child, the youngest of four girls, I wanted desperately to be accepted and embraced by them. I was not. Instead of being sweeter to try to woo them, I chose instead to be their worst nightmare. Passively, of course, I'm not stupid. Later, I ridiculed their lifestyles and judged them mercilessly. After that, I enjoyed shocking them with my bad behavior. I never received the love and acceptance I wanted from my siblings. In fact, I'm not sure I always have it today.
In school, I wanted to be well-liked by my teachers. If there was such a thing as a teacher's pet, I wanted the dish to have my name in bold black lettering. I wanted to be everyone's friend. In third grade, I wanted to make sure everyone went to heaven with me as well...but that is a whole nuther blog post. I was willing to sacrifice anything I needed to to be liked. This was also true as a young teen. Though still a teacher's pet, I was often plugged in to some very unlikely behaviors. My peers had begun to help shape my life. I began a sort of double life. I won't go into details beyond saying that I made very poor choices and still bear the scars from pleasing the wrong kind of people.
I believed with all my heart that as long as I was smart, studied, made good grades, and was active in school activities, life would turn out well for me despite my double life. I made many poor decisions that a kid without someone to look out for them makes. I look back and marvel at the little jewels and marvelous people God planted in my life. I never doubted for a second that he was my best friend or that he loved me. I just knew I did not measure up in his eyes and behaved accordingly. I was part of a very active youth group that profoundly affected me, shaped me in wonderful ways. However, I always felt like an impostor. I just wasn't 'good' like they were. At some point I never even tried to evangelize anymore...I was just too messed up and I knew it. On my score sheet, I did not even really believe God would let me into heaven...I just knew He still had not given up hope that I might straighten up.
Eventually, I gave up the hope of Heaven. It was then that I set out to do ALMOST everything I was big enough to do. If it was wrong, I intended to give it a try. My relationships with friends were very conditional. You let me down and it was over. I have a lot of wonderful people in my past that I dumped because they were not what I needed them to be. My relationships with the fellas were needy and desperate with a side of maliciousness. Miraculously, I was never involved in an abusive relationship. Probably because I usually chose men I thought I had power over. I was a very troubled young lady. On the outside, I believed I was living it up...on the inside, I was too broken to ever be repaired.