Tuesday, March 17, 2009

How Do You Eat An Elephant?

One bite at a time, of course. I also like to read alot as I digest the elephant bites. OR MY FEARS-the ones I have been alternately obsessing and denying.

I have a little problem, I am overly analytical. (Hubby just chuckled and said "You can say that again.") I always have been. This makes being me very difficult because most people don't always say exactly what they mean or I take things way different than they are meant. I know this fact because I do it too-the saying things different than they are heard...VERY OFTEN.(My sense of humor is WHACKED!!) We all just sort of walk around spouting off opinions, cracking jokes because we make an assumption that people, "know where I'm coming from". This brings me right around to the biggest FEAR I am dealing with. My fear of people.

This is a new fear for me to face, I have been in denial about it for eons. For most of my life, I have not been taken very seriously. I am the youngest of four girls and the self-appointed goofball. I would say anything for a laugh and when I got one, I just kept it rolling. My sisters are all a little goofball-ish to, so we are always full of zingers and one-liners. Sometimes those zingers really zing. I often felt like the butt of too many jokes and felt pretty insignificant as a result. These led to me thinking the words I spoke, funny, cruel, sweet did not count much. I didn't have the power to really hurt people OR really help people too much either. I was wrong though-words are very powerful.

Through the years though, (okay-mostly just in the last 2-3)I have begun to develop some discernment with my words. It didn't come easy though, I killed alot of potential friendships and even a few established ones. The pain of those "break-ups" is the cost of making necessary changes. (The blessing is MANY friends who love me despite myself.) So now I find myself scared to put myself "out there" too much because if I am rejected- it will hurt for a long time, plus the ripple of that hurt will also hurt my family. My over-sensitive, over-analytical self coupled with my crass blunt side has robbed me of many friendships too. Also, as hurts happen-and they do, they must be dealt with. And for years I have preferred to not address them and then, as wounds often do, they have festered- both my wounds and the wounds I have given to other people. Both the wounder and the wounded have a responsibility to "work it out". So I am working on my woundedness and where I know about it, those I have wounded. (One of the 12 steps-powerful words to live by for sure!!)

Today, I took a step I'm not sure I could have taken a month ago. I confronted someone who had hurt me, recently-not a festering one ( ; While part of me felt like it might be my sensitivity run amok, it was still a valid feeling that needed to be dealt with. AND it felt right. I feel it was a healthy mature thing to do and the validation I received was affirming. I am certain God will put me on the other side of the equation soon and I really think-for the first time in my life-I will be able to handle the truth spoken in love. I also hope to bury this fear of people that I have. This new "tool" in my tool chest for dealing with the normal day-to-day hurts that we as people give and receive. Maybe, I can even pass this tool to my children and save them YEARS of angst.

And that would be a very awesome thing because ANGST is totally over-rated.


hulagirlatheart said...

The first step of your journey is often the hardest. Good for you for putting your walking shoes on. I can relate to some of this in that I've only really begun to work in earnest on some of my behaviors that need changing (stubborness, self righteousness to name a couple). All these years I thought I was growing and yet, I wasn't growing nearly as much as I thought. You're right, angst is totally overrated. Hang in there.

Trailboss said...

I can relate to your words here today. I have not been able to get close to a woman since a childhood friend hurt me about 10 yrs ago. She and I had been friends since the 2nd grade. Close like sisters. She ended up hurting me so badly that I have never gotten over it totally. I push women away and make efforts to not get close. I hate that too because I really need girlfriends.

Anonymous said...

you meant to say that your humor is "JACKED UP"....... lol
you need to start using it correctly...oh wait, that's jennifer, never mind....
your nappy headed friend....

love you