Sunday, May 04, 2008


Such a casual word these days. People bat it around like a kitten with a little ball of yarn. Believing it to be harmless. The KEY to a better life. A new and improved beginning. I have a friend batting it about right now-she may even read this blog. I hope she reads this post.

I have never known anyone who looked back at hard tumultuous years of marriage and been sorry they stuck it out.

I have known lots of people who looked back from the other side of divorce and wished they had stuck it out instead.

Now, don't misunderstand me, I do not believe divorce is an unforgivable sin. I'm not condemning you if you are divorced. There are many cases where there is no other answer. There are cases where people are young and stupid and make mistakes they regret-marriages and divorces. There are people who are better off after divorce (eventually) but it ALWAYS comes at a price. Most divorced people are emotionally traumatized in a way they had not foreseen. It defines you in a way you had not expected. Even people who ARE better off, people who moved on to have glorious lives with wonderful second spouses do not escape the pain or scars. It is like grieving a death-but the person lives on.

The bottom line is that a marriage is more than a commitment to your spouse-God joins people together and when children are involved, that union becomes even more solidified-those bonds are never broken, even after the divorce is final. Only a very few are able to move on as mature adults and nurture those children together, yet separately. Most people cannot take the road of esteeming highly the "ex" where their children are concerned. This is a devastating blow to the children because, after all, this other person is a part of them in a very huge way. The more they hate and resent that other parent, the more they hate and resent at least half of themselves.

There is nothing more under attack by the evil one than marriages and intact families. Satan's plan is to attack, divide and destroy. Your spouse is NOT the enemy. You are on the same team and it is critical that you be a help-meet to him and he to you.

The best way to change your marriage is to change yourself. If you have SERIOUS marriage problems, there is probably a charity out there with your problem as its title. They will probably support and counsel YOU for free. Or, there is probably someone in your church who has been right where you are (or at least in the neighborhood) who can be your light at the end of the tunnel(it isn't always a train!). Changing yourself doesn't seem like it will help at all-but I can assure you, from personal experience-it changes everything for the better. And sometimes, the assurance you give your spouse that you are there-for better or worse-is just exactly what they needed to realize how good it feels to be loved and often gives them the courage to also change. It doesn't neccessarily change the circumstances, but it deepens the love and commitment so much that the circumstances will take a backseat.

Eliminate the "D" word from your vocabulary and focus on the "M" word by bringing back some good old fashioned "Love one another!" Making it to the other side of BIG problems will bond you like nothing else.

My darling hubby and I are looking at 14 years of marriage this month. There are many who did not think we would make it past one. We've seen marriages we thought were better and stronger come apart at the seams. We don't kid ourselves that it has been easy. Or that it will ever become easy. But we do agree that it is worth every struggle, every tear, every fight, and every making-up. Marriage is worth the work.

You know who you are-I'm praying for you!


Amy said...

This is a tough subject, but you said it all well.
My marriage is proof of what you shared today.
We are so thankful that we stuck it out. Although I hope to never go through the most difficult times again, we are both better for it.
Our bond and commitment now is stronger than the day we married.
May 18th will be our seventeenth wedding anniversary....:)
I will pray for your friend.
God Bless,

Mama Mia said...

I hope your friend realizes how blessed she is to have someone like you to confide in.
Praying here too.....

Jason said...

Worth the work but hard as hell!!!

Ami said...

We have 49 kids registered in our program after school. (Not all of them attend daily). Of those families, nine are intact.
40 children of divorce just in our program.
It boggles the mind.

Further, if one were to get to know these kids without knowledge of their parents' marital status, one would be able to pick out most of the kids who DO live in two parent homes. I know this because I had it figured out long before I looked at their records.