Don't read this post, as I am annoying, negative and spoiled!!
Really, read no further!! I have already hurt a good friend's feelings today with my biting sarcasm. I am not in good spirits today. I have been praying about it all day but I still feel unease. I am, in a word, lonely. It is hard for me to imagine that I feel that way because I have so many friends and know so many people-but it is true. I am a people person, social to the max. In almost every group of people we are in, we are welcomed and accepted, but we don't quite fit in anywhere we go. The hardest one is church. We don't fit in at church. I hate that even more in print than I do in life. I have prayed about it so often and it isn't that we don't have friends-we do. We even have fellowship, just not like I want it. If people my age at our church fellowship, we are not included. People older than us do and they are close. People younger than us do and they are close. We, as a family, just don't fit. The one time we really bonded with another family, they changed churches. We are still very close with them and our families are bonded. I guess I should be thankful for that, but I want more. I want close friendships and fun social stuff. It is all around us at church and we don't fit into it-youth, seniors, young adults, young couples. We have churchwide things too and I love them, as a matter of fact one is coming up and I am just sick that we have a conflict. It is probably just the night I need to make it all go away.
Maybe I am in the temptor's snare. Or on the pity pot. Maybe I just miss Erik and hated spending Sunday alone with the kids. I am glad he got to go see baseball with his Dad. I know they have had a fun day. I had a fun day too. The girls and I went to our church for Sunday school and a little bit of church and then we went to the church I grew up in with my Mom. I really enjoyed going there, it is amazing how the people have changed(some of the old people died and kids grew up and had kids of their own) but yet it is still the same. It could maybe hold 80 people at the most and it was close today. Very small and very friendly. A family. All through the service people are talked to and they answer back. ("What do you think about that song Miss Cassie?", "I say Hallelujah Brother Dobbs!") Very casual. Maybe that is what I miss. That church was so small, everyone was always included in every activity and everyone came. Church was your life and your life was church.
Maybe I am just a spoiled brat. I want it "my way" with extra cheese.
God have mercy on my spoiled brattiness. Change my heart, Lord. Let me know why lately I am so uncomfortable and uneasy in my life. Help me know what direction I am to go OR help me wait it out with patience if that is what I am supposed to do. Help me fall in love with you and take away my desires for more earthly friends when I have you and that is all I need.
As for the rest of you, well I told you not to read this. My apologies.