Sunday, September 03, 2006

Don't read this post, as I am annoying, negative and spoiled!!

Really, read no further!! I have already hurt a good friend's feelings today with my biting sarcasm. I am not in good spirits today. I have been praying about it all day but I still feel unease. I am, in a word, lonely. It is hard for me to imagine that I feel that way because I have so many friends and know so many people-but it is true. I am a people person, social to the max. In almost every group of people we are in, we are welcomed and accepted, but we don't quite fit in anywhere we go. The hardest one is church. We don't fit in at church. I hate that even more in print than I do in life. I have prayed about it so often and it isn't that we don't have friends-we do. We even have fellowship, just not like I want it. If people my age at our church fellowship, we are not included. People older than us do and they are close. People younger than us do and they are close. We, as a family, just don't fit. The one time we really bonded with another family, they changed churches. We are still very close with them and our families are bonded. I guess I should be thankful for that, but I want more. I want close friendships and fun social stuff. It is all around us at church and we don't fit into it-youth, seniors, young adults, young couples. We have churchwide things too and I love them, as a matter of fact one is coming up and I am just sick that we have a conflict. It is probably just the night I need to make it all go away.

Maybe I am in the temptor's snare. Or on the pity pot. Maybe I just miss Erik and hated spending Sunday alone with the kids. I am glad he got to go see baseball with his Dad. I know they have had a fun day. I had a fun day too. The girls and I went to our church for Sunday school and a little bit of church and then we went to the church I grew up in with my Mom. I really enjoyed going there, it is amazing how the people have changed(some of the old people died and kids grew up and had kids of their own) but yet it is still the same. It could maybe hold 80 people at the most and it was close today. Very small and very friendly. A family. All through the service people are talked to and they answer back. ("What do you think about that song Miss Cassie?", "I say Hallelujah Brother Dobbs!") Very casual. Maybe that is what I miss. That church was so small, everyone was always included in every activity and everyone came. Church was your life and your life was church.

Maybe I am just a spoiled brat. I want it "my way" with extra cheese.

God have mercy on my spoiled brattiness. Change my heart, Lord. Let me know why lately I am so uncomfortable and uneasy in my life. Help me know what direction I am to go OR help me wait it out with patience if that is what I am supposed to do. Help me fall in love with you and take away my desires for more earthly friends when I have you and that is all I need.

As for the rest of you, well I told you not to read this. My apologies.

5 comments:

jettybetty said...

I read it anyway ;-)!
(and not sorry I did!)

Heather said...

I read it too! Go read mine, I am really grumpy.

BohemianMama said...

When you want more of the Lord's people in your life, you're just wanting more of "Him"...dissatisfaction is not always selfish and whiney, sometimes it is a Godly dissatisfaction that just means you've grown and are not content the way you used to be anymore. Love you, and praying for deeper connections.

Terra: said...

Yup, I read it too. Sorry. Now you have to deal with me responding LOL. I agree with bohemiamama..and I have experienced your dissatisfaction with big-church-anonymity. When I was in a small church, everyone knew everyone else..which was great, but also had it's downside (gossip you can't get away from, for one). I volunteer at my church in the Children's Ministry, and lately I've decided to do a Bible Study to meet other women...and hopefully to make more connections. Can you do that at your church? Don't worry, it will work itself out. Seek God first, and the rest will follow.
Thanks for commenting on my blog.

Juliabohemian said...

There's nothing wrong with having a preference about what kind of environment you find more condusive to worship, as long as it doesn't take precedence over all other aspects of your relationship with God. I mean, you have to be realistic. Sometimes you just aren't going to get that ambience you want. If you don't feel free to be yourself, without the threat of judgment, at your church, then I suggest you find another one.

I am also a rather sarcastic person. I have always been. It's deep rooted in my personality. For the most part, it is to the amusement of others. But, every once in a while, you are going to find people who don't understand your method of communicating or who are offended by you. What I tell myself is this: My intention was NOT to offend this person. I cannot be responsible for other people's sensitivity to certain topics.

Of course, if it is a close friend and you are already aware of what their sensitivities are (unless they are something that the person really does need to get over already) you should exercise caution and tact.

I'm saying you SHOULD do this. I'm not saying that I DO do it.