TWELVE YEARS!! I can hardly believe it. Yesterday was both Mother's Day and My hubby and I celebrated year 12 of our marriage. We never thought we would make it. I still can't believe we have. We are still having the same fights we have always had, with a little less intensity, and neither one of us leaves. We just sort of say the script and go to bed. I dream of eliminating the script and writing a new script where each of us is more thoughtful of the other and less thoughtful of ourselves, but I think it is not going to happen. In my fantasy world, he tells me I am right and he is so lucky to have such a wonderful wife and I am totally right on all counts and he will make all changes necessary to ensure domestic tranquility. I tell him I haven't appreciated him enough and he is my knight in shining armor. We then live happily ever after. Of course, on many counts I am totally right and yet totally wrong. You see, I am not a kind and loving companion. I am moody and unpleasant when things do not go the way I think they should. I have no healthy role model of marriage so the ideal in my head is really tough to compare us to-Cosby/Family Ties/Roseanne/Little House on the Prairie/The Waltons all rolled into one. I can say that when I look around at the marriages that did not make it I am amazed that we did. I am amazed that although we have hurt each other many times, we still go on. Marriage is so hard and harder still are the expectations that I have. I look around at church and I see so many others that seem to be so stinking perfect. Do we seem perfect to those looking at us? Is this the lie we all buy into, everyone is happier than us?
I hate housework and the way it totally never gets done despite the fact that 75% of my time is spent on it. I could just accept that and go on with life, but I have not given up the dream of an organized house yet. I wish I could say I spend so much time having fun with the kids that it just doesn't get done, but the truth is, I work at it all the time. I feel like such a complete failure. I can organize the snot out of an activity but I can't find a home for all the things in our home and keep it tidy. Is this truly rocket science? My frustration with my inabilities projects onto my husband. His frustration with time management projects onto his wife. It makes for a constant source of strife and unappreciativeness on all sides. We can each see the speck in one another's eye and yet are completely unwilling to acknowledge or remove the plank from our own. Through it all I guess we have matching stubborn streaks that will not allow us to entertain the notion of giving up. And love. We passionately love each other even with our lovely assortment of faults. I wonder if we are doing our children justice sometimes, but I guess that side of marriage-the stick to it part is as much a life lesson as any other.
I digress. Part of me wants to go back and delete all of that, but the other part of me will need to read that again. I love my husband with all of my heart. We have been through alot of tough trials that in some ways have made us stronger than we ever thought we could be but in other ways, eroded our foundation in a way that really hasn't been rebuilt. I can't imagine life without him. I do want him to make changes for the better, but I fully realize I need to make changes for the better as well. We are playing the "you change first and then I will" game. I wonder who will go first!
OKAY, with all of that said, I now move onto we had the busiest weekend of our life and I have vowed we will not tread into a path like that again. I am a people pleasing, people serving person. It isn't the selfless, christian "loving" way it sounds. It is more of a tireless matyr role. I have decided that my family and I need some changes. I am tired of the guilt I have for the resentment of how my life goes. You must serve out of overflow from God, not go to God desperate and empty asking him to refill quickly before the next activity. I have not only been tired and empty but resentful of others who did not step up. I don't want to be that person. I will be spending some time reflecting and sorting out exactly what I am called to be a part of and what I am not called to be a part of. I am removing my supermom cape and getting rid of it forever. I am putting on my "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me cape" and realizing he does NOT strengthen me to be supermom. Thank you blog world for "listening" to a rant that was really just for me!!