Sunday, October 16, 2005

I decided to quit homeschooling today. I figure I will have more time for housework and get supper done every night. I can even start a new hobby. I just can't seem to get our lives straight enough, organized enough, or planned well enough. So the easiest thing for me to do is just give up. If it don't come easy, you better let it go. My marriage is getting kind of hard to. As the girls get older they are kind of developing a strong sense of self and this is disrupting the balance a bit. I think I will give them up too along with my marriage. I am just really not a good wife, mom, or Christian for that matter. I am pretty sure if I walked away from everything I have and got a job and an apartment of my own, I could be "the ideal" woman with a neat house, cool clothes and good hair. I just have too much holding me back.

I started out having one of those days, so I just decided to let myself go with it. All the things I think I want so much really would not mean alot without the things that keep me from it!! Would I trade my husband and kids for a neater house and fewer chores (OK, maybe today I would but I would want them back as soon as it was tidy!). I have let life interfere with LIFE again. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful family but sometimes, like today, I just hate everything. I keep trying to blame it on PMS but the time frame when it happens just won't cooperate!! I guess I have to put the blame where it belongs. Right square on the shoulders of SATAN!! He knows just what buttons to push and all of my baggage. He knows exactly what puts me over the edge and makes me crazy.

Thank you God that you have blessed me beyond what I deserve and created a new heart in me!! I don't have to be perfect. I never will be. I will never be the envy of the room because of my keen fashion sense. I started the day off with my husband laughing at me so I came back in and changed. I will also never be heralded for having the neatest house or best hair. I am probably not up for mom of the year, TEACHER OF THE YEAR, and last but not least wife of the year. (Almost forgot friend of the year!) Praise the Lord though that I am forgiven of my many sins and shortcomings. Thank you Lord that every time I think about getting a divorce, you remind me that I made a covenant with you and unless he walks away, I am here. Thank you Lord that every time I am the worst mother in the world, you remind me that you planned on me being the mom of Erika, Kayla, and Lilly and you will get me through it (and them too!). Thank you Father that even though you know exactly when I am making wrong choices, you allow me to screw up royally and then help me pick up the pieces when it all falls apart. Please God, don't lose patience with me. Help me be all that you have planned for me and more. I may not have "IT" all together but I know where I am spending eternity. I am so thankful my Savior loves me just as I am and I am even more thankful he won't allow me to stay just as I am. Prune my branches Lord that I may bear more fruit!

I am going to get off of here now and start my day again. I suppose I can still homeschool, stay married and be a mom as long as I have God on my side. I have a little more spring in my step and I think I can be nice again. Maybe this is just post-camping blues. We had a great couple of days and I really was disheartened to see it come to an end, even when my body was screaming for mercy! Have a great week and don't forget to count your blessings or you will forget what they are!


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summer said...

its so frustrating to think y9ou have had comments and then to find its comments like theese. so i thought i would give you a real comment. i hve more days like the one you just descibed then i would like. i understand. at least we don't give up, right! you are doing a great job. if it were't hard then you probably wouldn';t be doing as well. the things that are hard are usually the things that matter the most to you. love you and take care.