Choosing

This is not a recent memory, but for some reason, I feel compelled to share it.

It was enough.  The problems in our relationship had become insurmountable.  I did not feel I could go on.  I called a dear friend because I could not stay home but I could not be just anywhere either.  We went out to dinner.  I shared all my woes with her, the good, the bad and the ugly.  I poured my heart out as to all the reasons I could not stay anymore.  Then I poured out all the reasons I could not go.  Then I cried a river over being in such a miserable unhappy place that I could not stay in, nor could I leave it.  She just listened.  I talked and talked and cried and cried.  When I was all done, she had these words of wisdom:

"You have a choice.  You can do anything.  You have friends that love you and that will help you no matter what you decide.  God loves you and He will be with you no matter what.  You get to choose your future."

I sat there stunned.  It was the scariest thing I had ever heard.  To have a choice.  To think beyond the here and now and imagine the outcomes of either decision.  MY CHOICE.  It was unfathomable.  I had given her both lists: Why I could never leave, Why I could no longer stay.  And her reply: "It is up to you."  MY choice.  My choice.  It sank in deeply.  It washed over me with intensity.  It was a life preserver around my neck while being tossed around in a sea of despair.  My choice. 

When all of my tears were cried and I had soaked in the loving words of encouragement from a dear friend, we parted ways.  I was a changed woman.

I came home to my darling husband and CHOSE him.  AGAIN.  I chose to love him no matter what.  I chose to love him the way he loves me-unconditionally.  I chose to embrace him, faults and all, the same way he embraces me.  I chose to be grateful to love someone more amazing than I gave him credit for being.  I am still choosing him every day and I love it.  AND, I now feel like the luckiest woman in the world.

AND, the only thing that changed that night was my attitude.  Funny how much our attitude affects our outlook.  I am so thankful that attitudes and outlooks can always be changed.

Home Alone

It is Friday night and I am home alone.  BLISS.  I am listening to:  SILENCE.  It is golden...and silver and all other precious metals...and precious gems.  Maybe it takes growing up and having a delightfully busy, loud household to appreciate quiet, but I do love quiet.  One of the reasons I often stay up into the wee hours of the morning...to be alone in the quiet. 

Perhaps I had to be old enough to like myself.  I do like myself, finally.  I like myself enough that you don't have to.  That wasn't always true.  But what I have come to realize is that the more I like me, the more other people like me too.  Funny how that works.  People are repelled by the desperate 'PLEASE LIKE ME' but strongly attracted to 'I don't care if you like me because I like me enough for both of us.'  I wish I could teach this to my daughters, but alas, it is a lesson only life can teach you.  The good news is I don't think it will take them as old as it took me.  I think they will be mid to late 20's whereas I was mid 30's...plus a year or two. ( ;

That is all of my precious alone time I am gonna spend musing.  I just thought it kind of funny that I am savoring this time while there are lots of people out there in the U.S.of A. who wish they were not alone.  I am a very blessed woman.  Juxtaposition is a good thing.

Cheater Post

I wrote this for my church bulletin and since this blog is a record of my writing life, I am reposting it here. I think it is relevant to most believers.  It was supposed to be 100 words.  It was over 300.  I remember when I thought it was so hard to write long essays...just one of many things that get easier with age.

This church loves to sing. We do it well, passionately even. While
I am not a singer, I do find music fascinating. I love how songs
often have built in rests...usually those rests are in place so that
at the next part of the song, there is full breath and notes are sung
with fresh intensity. Sometimes, we make our own rests...to get a
throat tickle under control, sip some water, and maybe even to listen
to other voices around you. Then we join back in with a renewed
voice. We may even refrain from singing an entire song we aren't
familiar with. The point is that we return to singing and keep
singing because we know God commands us to. Love God, follow His
commands.


There is another command similar to singing. One that requires
catching our breath, renewing ourselves and sitting out entire
'songs'. It is teaching and mentoring the children of our
congregation. Some of us may feel that we have "been there, done
that" and you may even have the t-shirt. Some of us don't think we
can teach. There has been no one in the history of this church more
reluctant to teach than I. I was not good at it and did not even
think I liked children. Becky and God helped me learn how.
It is a discipline ANYONE can learn. Where we are weak, God is shown
strong. I will help anyone learn to love to teach if you are willing.
We know Jesus has a soft spot in his heart for children. He wants us
to as well. Teaching children blesses both the teacher and the
student. We all smile when we think back on a teacher that loved and
nurtured us. Imagine being the cause of that smile. Love God; love
a child; love yourself. Be plugged in to the Spirit of God by
helping someone else learn to live as Christ. I promise it will be
tough. I promise it will challenge you. I promise you will learn as
much as you teach. I promise God will bless you abundantly.