Saturday, May 28, 2011

And her children will rise...

...up and call her blessed.  Yes, they will.  Because I am blessed.  Very blessed.  If I took the time to compile a list, it would reach to the moon and back.  I don't walk around feeling blessed though.  I walk around feeling GUILT.  It is my current dominant emotion.  It is my default emotion.  So for you today, I have compiled a TOP TEN list of all the things that make me feel guilty.

10.  We have too much food.  People in other countries have so little food and we have so much that we often just throw it away because we let it spoil.

 9.  We have too many clothes.  We have so many, in fact, that keeping up with laundry is a burden.  A burden despite the fact that we have two fancy, lovely appliances designed to make laundry easy.

 8.  I require 'down time'.  Alot.  I like to relax watching TV and being on the computer.  I spend a few hours each day being almost completely unproductive

 7.  Despite having lots of healthy food easily within reach of my cart, I often make really poor choices.

 6.  I have cleaning products and tools.  Yet, still I don't like cleaning and very seldom make it a priority.

 5.  I still have a vast collection of homeschool curriculum that I feel bad that I did not 'get to'.  I have briefly considered some summer homeschooling.

 4.  I, very often, have a hard time with giving.  If it is my idea and something I want to give, I love it and can't wait to see the recipient's face.  If it is a 'forced' gift giving occasion, I often balk.  I would rather buy my mom a random gift at a random time than give her a Mother's Day gift.  I believe this is a symptom of my problem with authority.

 3.  Which leads me to number three...I resent authority.  I have to inspect my motives on a regular basis to make sure I'm not just being a rebel.

 2.  I worry about the example of marriage that I am setting.  Am I being a good wife?  Am I showing what it means to be loving, supportive and respectful?  Do my kids know that I am happy?  Do I want them to be the kind of wife I am?

 1.  And the absolute, number one, king of all guilt inducers is...drum roll please...AM I A GOOD MOM? This one trumps all the others so much that  it is unbelievable.  It makes me question every move I make, emotion I feel, decision I make...etc.  I live in fear that I will somehow damage these precious gifts God entrusted me with. 

With all of this guilt, you would think that I would keep my blessing list handy at all times to counter the power of the guilt list.  However, I am instead trying to be fully aware of my guilt and praying that God will remove the false guilt and leave me only with guilt that makes me a better person. HOWEVER, I do not believe God has any desire to have me live a guilt-laden life.  I believe the gift of Christianity is freedom.  For too long, I have resisted the feeling of being blessed and instead settled for guilt.  I have made the decision to embrace being blessed instead.  I bet it will be an awesome trade-in.

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