Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Positive Thinking

My doctor is 'prescribing' sentences to me.  I am supposed to write them three times a day and say them much more.  It is his belief that thinking you are fat has the power to make you fat and so thinking yourself thinner will also have power.  At first I was doubtful...but now I am certain.  I have the proof-when I was in high school...wait make that middle school-I thought of myself as a chubby girl.  I did not ever love myself and my self image was terrible.  In reality, I was a bit on the fluffy side, but not OBESE like I thought I was.  As I got older and was teased about my weight, because if you are not a toothpick (I have now learned being a toothpick doesn't keep you from being teased either!)-you will be teased, I became resigned to being the chubby girl.  'Twas my lot in life.  Oh well, at least I had the luxury of eating whatever I wanted.  Food was my friend.  I never dieted until I was about 17.  Then I went on a major fat free diet and lost about 30 pounds.  I was looking good-BUT, I did not think so.  In my mind, I was still a chubby girl.  Lately, I have been extremely overweight and I was still holding on to the 'a little bit chubby' description of myself.  However, pictures and the scales would not corroborate that story.

I had grown to absolutely hate my body over the last 7 years or so.  I did not want my picture made, hated videos of myself and wore the biggest clothes possible hoping for the invisibility I was craving.  I had a mental picture of what I looked like in high school and that is how I thought of myself-I did not want the scales or pictures to tell me any different.

After mom had her leg amputated due to diabetes, it began a slow wake-up call to me.  I was following right along in her footsteps.  She was late thirties when she was diagnosed with pre-diabetes.  I was larger than she had been.  My blood sugar has always checked out completely normal BUT weight is a huge factor in the development of type II diabetes.  Last November, I began to start really taking this weight thing serious.  In December, I began an exercise program.  It really worked well.  I lost 17 pounds and a lot of inches in about 5 months.  Then I stopped losing.  I was seeing a doctor, watching what I ate and still was only losing maybe a half pound every two weeks.  I was what they call in the diet world-plateaued.  Plateaued is about the worst thing that can happen to a chubby girl.  You lose hope.  you begin some really bad thoughts of, "See?  There is nothing that can help me, I am destined to be fat."  It was a very real possibility that my drug of choice-SUGARY FOODS-would begin to tempt me.

I was not gaining any weight back at that point, but it would have just been a matter of time.  Thankfully, my body had other issues and so I had to return to the doc who delivered my babies.  He dealt with those problems but also really confronted me about my weight and did not give me an option-just put me on the Dr. Cardenas diet.  I am forever grateful.  My attitude is different.  I no longer cringe when I walk by a mirror.  I am happy with how I look-but I am still working to be thinner and healthier.  I feel almost like I am already there.  I can, for the first time ever, enjoy people noticing my weight loss.  It was hard at first because I wanted to be invisible-didn't want anyone to look at me, much less remark on my weight.  Pictures are still hard but I can look at them and still like who I am and *GASP* even like how I look.  I just noticed the other day that I have really pretty teeth.  How did I miss that all these years?  (I sure got a pretty mouth...*shiver*)

Last time I went in for my accountability 'talk' and weigh-in, Dr. Cardenas began speaking to me on the changes I needed to prepare for that are coming up.  He spoke about being more attractive to men and being abler to accept that as normal, not wrong.  He said his daughter went from my weight to now very thin and did not enjoy the male attention that brought.  He said it is normal and natural and to plan how I am going to react to that in a Christian way-appreciating that God created me to be pretty and healthy.  Sexy is a by-product of that and sexy isn't wrong.  I am very thankful that my doctor is a Christian and also someone who went from very large to very thin.  He has credibility.  It will be hard to have men notice me.  It has always been very safe for me to be a flirt...that will change as I get thinner.  Nobody minds a flirty chubby girl, but a thin flirty girl is not appreciated.  I do prefer invisibility.  However, I want to be healthy. 

I don't want to get diabetes.  I want to feel like playing tennis, going for a walk, or any other physical activity.  I don't want to get winded walking up stairs.  I want to be able to buy clothes at regular stores.  I am so excited that a towel wraps around my body now with some towel left over.  I have now lost 37 pounds from when I began this journey.  Some folks have an easy time of losing weight-I have not.  I have had to make really hard choices-first exercising regularly and now deleting sugar, bread and grains from my diet.  Both of those changes are forever, not just to lose weight.  I'm OK with that. 
My affirmation sentences:

I am thinner and leaner and more beautiful every day.

I am stronger and healthier every day.

Sugars and starches have caused me pain.

Exercise will save me money.

My stomach is the size of my hand.

Thank you God for my...all through almost every body part.

I am adding some more affirmations:

I am a good mom and wife.

Being angry is a choice I don't have to make.

I am an excellent teacher who loves her students.

I can be neat and organized without being mean or obsessive.

God created me the way I am.  He has a plan for me that uses my gifts and talents.

The power of positive thinking is really quite amazing.  At last, I am a believer.  So go ahead and notice, you can even tell me I have lost 'a ton' (LOL, Sandy) of weight and I will still smile.  I am well on my way to a new me that is just like the old me-downsized and healthy.

1 comment:

Hula Girl at Heart said...

I am extremely proud of you, and your doctor is right. Self image starts in your head. Positive mantras are how runners get through marathons. The mind is a powerful tool.

When you are ready, call me. We're going to do a portrait shoot of just you (no family allowed) to show you how beautiful you are and to celebrate this time.