Just for today, I am officially not okay. I suppose everyone has these days from time to time. I've had quite a few in a row and so for today, I am allowing myself a 'not okay' day. I will not smile and make nice unless I decide I want to. Yesterday I had a 'just plain mad' day starring some justified anger. Of course, there is not any resolution from that anger and I doubt anything will change in that relationship. It is very much like talking to a brick wall-telling someone exactly what the problem is and they listen, and then go on as if nothing happened. A lifetime of those fights that are completely unresolved make me very angry...leading to inevitable hurt and pain...leading to a deep dark desire to run away.
Today, I did not wake up angry again but I did wake up feeling pretty lousy. Ultimately, I have no control and it is certain that I will not even have any influence, but sometimes I kid myself into thinking that I do have some influence over another. That may be the definition of insanity. Sounds good, I plead insanity.
I am praying that God will give me exactly the kind of day I need today-trusting that he knows what I need so much better than I can know myself. I really hope to be smiling and encouraged again before the day ends...but if that doesn't happen, if I continue to be 'not okay', it will be just fine.