Alone

"So here I sit, at home, all alone,
Waiting for you to call me on the phone."

That is an excerpt from some of my teen poetry.  Full of angst and hormonal awkwardness. Oh it makes me so sad for the girl that I was.  I just want to give that girl a hug and tell her to just focus on her studies and leave the fellas until she is old enough to handle relationships.  I clearly was not ready for any kind of relationship.  They were my obsession, which is what you do when you are too young with too much time to focus on 'the one'. 

That leads me to my other obsession, the one that fed the first obsession with Miracle-Gro, songs by Heart.  They were so on target with my teenage self that I wonder at their maturity as grown women.  Of course, do rock stars ever really grow up?  I think maybe the spot-light keeps them teens forever.  This became my 15 year old self's theme song:


Alone

I hear the ticking of the clock


I'm lying here, the room's pitch dark


I wonder where you are tonight


No answer on the telephone


And the night goes by so very slow


Oh I hope that it won't end though


Alone

Till now I always got by on my own


I never really cared until I met you


And now it chills me to the bone


How do I get you alone


How do I get you alone






You don't know how long I have wanted


to touch your lips and hold you tight


You don't know how long I have waited


and I was going to tell you tonight


But the secret is still my own


and my love for you is still unknown


Alone






Till now I always got by on my own


I never really cared until I met you


And now it chills me to the bone


How do I get you alone


How do I get you alone


Alone


Alone
 
So, in confession form, I give you my teen angst anthem band.  This lasted on up into my later teen years/very early 20's.  I was in a seriously dysfunctional on again/off again relationship from 18 to about 20 and Heart was back with, I Didn't Want to Need You..here is just the chorus:
 
I didn't wanna to need you, no



I didn't wanna want you like I do


I didn't mean to fall


Didn't wanna care at all


I didn't wanna need you


Like I need you now

Yep, that one fit me like a glove as well.  I even insisted on playing when we were in the car together.  I wanted him to know he wasn't my plan and yet, there I was.  I took comfort that Ann Wilson felt the same way.

After I met Erik, at 21 and began a solid relationship, it was hard to give up the angst, the obsession that I had trained so many years for.  He allowed me room for angst and obsession.  It actually took having my first child at 24 to ground me back to earth.  It taught me what love really is-a verb, not a noun.  A thing that is full of peaks and valleys-but mostly determination and loyalty.  Where are the songs for that?

So, as my daughters grow up, they are gonna have angst and want to date.  They will obsess over boys and probably write some bad poetry.  I will do my best to help them form some good judgement.  I will try to teach them that waiting until you are older to be in a relationship keeps the angst from getting out of hand.  I will discourage disposable relationships.  I will continue to model the fact that love is a verb...and sometimes you don't feel like it and you have to fall back on determination and loyalty and God.  I will try to teach them from my mistakes.

They will listen to me and really try to hear despite the fact that they have some boy on their mind that they can't stop thinking about, some might even call it obsessing...