Saturday, May 08, 2010

To Bless and Not Curse

There have been so many times in my life when I have not only NOT been a blessing to someone, I have been a curse.  It hurts me a lot to admit that.  It hurts to looks back over attitudes and actions and realize where I am flawed.  But if I am not honest with myself about it, how can I ever hope to change and be a better person.  Part of taking a fearless and moral inventory of my behavior is to buck up and take some of the blame for the things I have done/am currently doing wrong.  It is easier by far to sit back as the 'pot' and call the 'kettle' black.  I think The Bible refers to it as noticing the speck in your neighbor's eye before you notice the plank in your own.  Guilty, guilty, guilty.

However, I don't want it to just be a fresh wave of guilt for me, I want to be different.  I am on a path where life is finally getting better for me.  A path where I am responsible for my life.  No one can make me happy, but also, no one can ruin my life either.  People just shouldn't have that much power and control in another's life.  I used to think that relationships were all about finding the other half-be it a best friend or a spouse.  The person in the world who completes you like puzzle pieces fitting together.  Not only is that a load of crap but it produces load of crap thinking.  If someone is my 'other half', I will constantly be obsessed with how they behave because it is a reflection of me.  I will constantly be hoping I am still good enough to be their other half and that will feed my insecurities.

On the other hand, if two wholes come together, they can complement each other.  Steak and gravy, peanut butter and jelly, man and woman, spender and saver, high strung and low maintenance...things that are different and when they are together, they are still different but better.  Even if they are a rough fit, like people often are, they can still choose to bring out the good in one another.  They can build a life based on the separateness that calls for sacrifices sometimes, but not the type of sacrifice where you lose yourself.  In my life, I have always been willing to become what I needed to be to please the significant people in my life.  Of course, it has always sold me short for certain, but I don't think I ever fully grasped how short I was selling the other folks as well.  It feels good to know that my sacrifices these days are a choice without expectations-sacrifice, not martyrdom.  That I am still me when I make a sacrifice.  That I believe who God says I am, not the criticism of the day.

At 38 years of age, it feels good to know exactly who I am-flaws and all-and love myself.  The best blessing of all is that in loving myself...I am finally free to love others in a way that doesn't smother them or pressure them to make me happy.  AND THAT kind of love is a true blessing to give and receive.

1 comment:

Cheeseboy said...

I feel the same way sometimes. Rely on God and He will help you understand your potential.