The girls are all three involved in a program this week that gives me many many hours of uninterrupted freedom. And I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. Yesterday, hubby was off so we had lots to do and nothing to do. We accomplished some and watched a movie. Today, I dropped them off and came to the library. I have browsed some things I needed to browse, made some notes that needed to be made and now I am blogging. I still have time left. This makes me fully realize what kind of sacrifice I am making to homeschool my children. I could have this every day. Personal time. Non-referee time. Time to finish projects that hubby nags me about never finishing. Time to read more books. Time to plan menus, clean, bargain shop more effectively. Time to do my Bible study. Time to polish my parenting skills. Absence to allow my heart to grow fonder of all members of my family. Time to get a part-time job that would give me MONEY in addition to time. Time, time, time. Can I just admit right now how much that tempts me??? Especially as we begin the long road of tween/teendom.
I knew homeschooling was not an easy choice. I knew it would require alot of me. I guess I just never realized that the other demands that life makes on my life would also not change. My husband does expect a clean house and meals. He isn't a tyrant, he just sees that as part of my job description as a housewife. I expect a clean house and meals as well-from myself as part of my job description also. There is also the expectation of frugal shopping (one income family-DUH!) which could totally be a full-time job. I'm not talking mall madness, I'm talking about food and the necessities of life for a family of five. There is alot to running a household. This is true whether you homeschool or not. Whether you work outside the home or not. I honestly don't know how women who work full-time outside the home can accomplish anything on the homefront. Sometimes I just can't keep up with the expectations of me. That makes me feel like an utter failure.
All of this to say, sometimes I question the decisions I have made for myself. Especially on days where the kids seem to hate homeschool, hubby seems disappointed with my "productivity", and I am so tired I just want to crawl back into bed and take a nap.
Have I lost myself? Is there ever a place that women get to just feel good about what their lifesong sings? Is the grass always greener on the other side of the fence? Is there a lawn service that keeps it that green? Where should I go for my SABBATICAL? See what happens when I have free time. Worlds are colliding. Independent Janice is luring Janjanmom with shiny happy free time.
4 comments:
My hat is off to you simply because you homeschool. I could not do that. Ever. It is hard to do everything that you're supposed to do plus raise three kids. You get something done, only to move on to something else and find that the kids have gone behind you and made a mess of the first task. Then you're back to square one.
Free time is awesome! I considered taking the kids to the library this week, but they would borrow books, come home and set them down and they would sit there until I returned them two weeks later. Not worth the effort.
Just remember there are going to be days where you have all this stuff that needs to be done, laundry, dishes and stuff, and you're not going to feel like getting it done for one reason or another. That stuff will still be there for you to conquer tomorrow. We all need a day off from time to time...
If you were breastfeeding, you could just feel like an "udder" failure. . .
I have had to reevaluate our decision to homeschool each and every year. The late spring/early summer is filled with prayers for clarity, for passion, for direction. I never assume that something I feel called to do at this point in time is something I will still feel called to do three years from now. This has been especially true since I have become a working mom. God bless as you mother . . . it's a tough job!
I think that's why I run. It's the one time a day I spend on just me. (Lord knows no one else in the family is coming with me.)I get 45 minutes or more of uninterrupted time to think, prioritize, vent and create (I write blogs or projects in my head) without someone tugging on my leg. It helps to keep me sane. I would be a complete failure at homeschooling and being a fulltime homemaker. Me thinks the grass always seems greener on the other side.
LOL - hang onto your sense of humor! Really - it's a lifesaver and a sanity-saver. We're heading into our 10th year of homeschooling and I completely understand your frustration, exhaustion and worries. I'd be lying if I said I still didn't have these period, though my kids are older and much less needy these days.
The grass IS always greener, imo. I've found that having some hobbies/activities that produce more lasting results than laundry or cooking help me focus on the day-to-day stuff. Blogging helps. It's wonderful to have a record of your life -especially after a few years. I've found some interesting patterns in my moods through rereading my blog.
I tend to like hands-on, physcial projects that I can work on after dinner (baths, etc). You just have to find what draws you and follow it. It doesn't matter if what you do or make is "good" in anyone else's eyes - just focus on the work and that it makes you happy. (If it doesn't make you happy, move on - QUICKLY)
Hang in there. You're not alone and this too shall pass (for a bit and probably come back and pass again - lol). Really, though, you'll get through this.
One other thing, have you sat and talked with your husband about your expectations of yourself and his expectations? When I finally did this, I was astounded at his response - he was surprised and upset at how much pressure I was putting on myself. His reaction shocked and surprised me. If you get a chance to get away ALONE (easier said than done, I know) with dh, you might want to have this conversation. I was putting so much on myself and using the ideals in my head rather than what worked for our family that we were all kind of miserable.
((()))
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