It is amazing how close people can be in my life and yet still be so far away from the "real" me. I am a very closed person. People who know me well can now laugh hysterically. It is still true. I am so open about things-struggles, mistakes, decisions, big events, certainly my past-that people often feel I am an open book. The trouble is that there is alot of big stuff brewing just below the surface that never makes it out. I have friends I can count on one hand who know the REAL struggles of janjanmom. The struggles I can't talk about with anyone else. The struggles that are uniquely mine, not the ones that overlap with normal and abnormal family stuff(husband included).

All of this to say, I am in a valley. A very deep one right now made deeper by the normal crazy of my day to day life. As if being in a valley is not enough-I feel as far from God as a person can get and still be a believer. I'm very angry with Him. Sitting in church right now makes me feel as out of place as a goldfish in a sauna. Got a good scripture recommendation? I figure I will read some Psalms by David-he is my spiritual twin brother. And pray for me. This has been coming on for a long time and I fear it is here to stay for a long time. This does not mean I will be all mopey and depressed when you see me-that isn't my style. In fact, I'm really funny right now. Almost a laugh a minute. It's called a coping mechanism, I believe. That's what I'm doing, coping. I know this too shall pass. I hope it is soon too because valleys are so out of style in summer.