Friday, May 23, 2008

It is amazing how close people can be in my life and yet still be so far away from the "real" me. I am a very closed person. People who know me well can now laugh hysterically. It is still true. I am so open about things-struggles, mistakes, decisions, big events, certainly my past-that people often feel I am an open book. The trouble is that there is alot of big stuff brewing just below the surface that never makes it out. I have friends I can count on one hand who know the REAL struggles of janjanmom. The struggles I can't talk about with anyone else. The struggles that are uniquely mine, not the ones that overlap with normal and abnormal family stuff(husband included).

All of this to say, I am in a valley. A very deep one right now made deeper by the normal crazy of my day to day life. As if being in a valley is not enough-I feel as far from God as a person can get and still be a believer. I'm very angry with Him. Sitting in church right now makes me feel as out of place as a goldfish in a sauna. Got a good scripture recommendation? I figure I will read some Psalms by David-he is my spiritual twin brother. And pray for me. This has been coming on for a long time and I fear it is here to stay for a long time. This does not mean I will be all mopey and depressed when you see me-that isn't my style. In fact, I'm really funny right now. Almost a laugh a minute. It's called a coping mechanism, I believe. That's what I'm doing, coping. I know this too shall pass. I hope it is soon too because valleys are so out of style in summer.

2 comments:

hulagirlatheart said...

Coming to grips with being a member of the "sandwich generation" is difficult. It's kind of like freshman year in high school where you feel like hanging onto the old you but know you need to grab onto the new you. I'm sure this is complicating whatever burdens you are struggling with now. Just know that it will get better. I don't have a scripture recommendation. My thoughts are to simply find a place to be still and see if you can hear what God's trying to tell you.

Jen, Fred, Jennifer said...

hugs friend.........I don't share the feeling distance from God right now, but the rest of it fits me as well as my Levi's!

I do need a Women of Faith conference but don't see it working out for me this year........

Will keep you in my prayers.