I got this picture from phototakeout.com. It was my favorite of all the clocks. Why am I posting a clock? Why is this blog entitled Time ? This post is going to be all about me in a "big" way. As if the others are not, heehee. Here is the lady I am blaming for all this self-analysis. I can ditto almost everything she says and now, as is typical of me, I will also add more. ( ;
Just before I got pregnant with my first child, I was a very unhappy lady. So unhappy that I thought daily of ending my marriage and giving my life a big old shake-up that would change things forever. We had alot of problems in our marriage, pretty evenly distributed on both sides. I only saw his faults back then though, so I was ready to throw in the towel and begin anew. The first thing I did was go on a diet to lose the 30lbs that I had gained after marriage plus about 20 more for a better "dating weight". I was dieting during an atypical time-frame. I started in August after a particularly bad experience with some friends of ours. One of hubby's friends has a wife that enjoys not only looking good, but looking good in a way that makes the fellas look. After spending a day with them, I was certain that I wanted to look more like that AND I hated my husband for looking. (I had bought the lie that if I had looked good enough, he would quit looking.)Both things festered and boiled within me enough to really bring on some changes.
So all through Aug, Sept, Oct, Nov when most people are settling into "winter weight" and happily hiding the sins with a sweatshirt, I was losing weight like crazy. I was elated that I was almost skinny. I was getting checked out by hubby's friends(especially the husband of the aforementioned wife-this explained alot about her actions) and told how good I looked. It fanned the flames of change that had me ready to get back to the dating scene. God, however, had other plans for me.
My periods are very much like the pic above, clockwork. I was never late. I had been taking the lovely sugar pills in my packet for 3 days and still "Aunt Flo" had not shown up. I was mortified. I bought a pregnancy test and told hubby of my suspicions. We took the test and it was positive. I cried like the baby I would soon have. In my mind, the hope of happiness was over. Now I was stuck in this marriage to this man I hated forever. Worse than that, he was happy beyond belief. Grinning and loving on me all the time. Doting constantly. He was even talking about getting back into church. HA!
Pregnancy and parenthood changed me forever. It healed my marriage in alot of ways. It wasn't a storybook marriage, but my love for my husband returned and after Erika was born I felt bonded to Erik FOREVER in a good way. Motherhood agreed with me and gave me a whole new outlook on life. It made my love return for God as well as my husband. We were back in church, sporadically and they gave us a baby shower that blessed my socks off. I know people who think baby showers for people you don't know are stupid. I am here to tell you that a ton of gifts from people who don't even know you is a humbling, life-changing event. I felt entrusted by God to do something wonderful in the lives of my family. It was the best feeling in the whole world.
I did lose something though that has never been recovered. The desire to have a sexy body. I associated thin with dating or "catching a man". As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I began eating for two and undoing the months of dieting. I did not even keep track of my weight or calories. I considered it all "feeding the baby". I did that through two more pregnancies. Knowing I was/am "off the market" kept/keeps any desire to be thin just a fleeting thought. My "baby weight" is now 11 years old and has some other weight to keep it company.
I often think about the weight I pack every day, but never again has that deep burning desire to change burned in me. I have gotten comfortable. I have, at age 35, begun to really like who I am. To be happy and accepting of myself most of the time. There are many moments when I hate being fat, but I have been fat for way longer than I was skinny. Fat just seems to fit. I am jolly most of the time, love to flirt, and I like to tell jokes. That all goes very well with fat. Jolly, flirty and jokey just seems wrong for a skinny girl. There is no risk in flirting when you are fat. It's harmless fun. No one's wife gets angry when they flirt with a chubby girl. It is a safe thing. My once jealous husband doesn't even give a thought to being jealous now. I am safe. There is safety in fat.
And food. Lots of it and people expect you to eat. If I turned down a piece of chocolate or cake, someone's feelings would be hurt. Desserts are expected to be consumed and I don't like to disappoint. I have a brother-in-law who is a chubby fella. My sister and I got donuts the other day and had them in the hospital room. He came by to see Mom and was offered a donut. He said "NO! I don't need a donut." All of us just stared at him and talked about how good they were until he ate one, then two. Fat people are supposed to eat a donut. Then we could all be happy and go on. Then he was teased for eating, such a catch-22. I keep mulling that scene over in my brain. My husband is skinny. If he says no thank you to food, that's it. No one prods him until he eats. They just assume he is full or doesn't want whatever is being offered. If he does eat, no one talks about how he shouldn't have eaten it. When you are fat, people say and do alot of things they would never say or do to a thin person, like beg you to eat a donut and then chastise you for it.
I digress, fat has been my "happy place" for a long time. I would be happier thinner, of course, but not happy enough to be worth the trade-off of good food. If there were a magic wand or pill to make me thin and live the same, I would be all over it! There isn't. I know it takes drive, passion and hard work to lose weight. So I have been "unhappily content"( to coin a phrase) with being fat. Until I read this post. OH MY STINKIN' HECK! Why did you have to call me selfish. Why oh why do I have to read those words and know they are as true as the Word of God!!To top that off, tonight we had a class talking about how our souls are divided by the choices we make. Sara had the nerve to ask what keeps us from being whole, pursuing wholeness. It did not hit me until I got home and re-read this blog. God has been telling me to stop worshipping food for a long time. The same way he might tell a drug addict not to do drugs or a p*rn addict to give it up. I have known food was my drug of choice since I was about 8 years old. My addiction has served me well. It is accepted in all churches and politically incorrect to mention it too much. We may even get some sort of protection under law, we fat citizens. Don't discriminate, just make the chair bigger, hand over the chocolate and no one gets hurt. Excess, the American way. Super-size me.
I feel the call to surrender the food addiction. I'm just not sure how to answer that call so I keep letting it ring. I have debated about answering tonight. OMSH may have kicked me out of my "happy place" with her post. I don't like being called selfish. It is worse than fat. Maybe it is TIME.