Monday, September 17, 2007

It has been a very hard week and I am eager to start fresh today. The self improvement never ends for me. The need to be better, to do better. Unfortunately, I also feel the need to stretch those improvements to the people I love the most. In my head I know change must come from within, however, I just can't resist that pushing to encourage someone else to change. I hate it. I am hardest on my husband. Our lives are so intertwined that I sometimes get confused as to what is "us" and what is him. I think I am seeking to improve our relationship, but really, if I am honest, I am seeking to "improve" him. I know I have never appreciated him wanting to "improve" me.

Honestly, deep down, I love him exactly as he is. He complements me in so many ways. That he is not ruled by "feelings" is such a blessing, and yet I want him to be ruled by my feelings. Fun times, fun times. The changes that I say I want the most would probably devastate me. I often "feel"(Re-iterate that my feelings are just that) he is not the spiritual leader of our home and so I cockily don that hat, however, I am certainly not doing it either. Going to church is not spiritually leading. Neither is serving at church. Being a spiritual leader means so much more than what today's church hangs on it. To me, it means basing decisions on spiritual things, not other things. Like deciding to let someone win an argument, not because they are right, but because the fight is not worth the hurts. I am not leading anybody anywhere but astray. God help me and my inflated self! Praise the Lord that His mercies are new every morning. I seem to need a fresh supply each day, I mean minute.

Sorry, this is a rambly post, but God is dealing with me in such a huge way, it is hard to write about it.

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