Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Warning...Whiny post

If I can whine a bit today on here, maybe I can be all nice and sweet and normal in real life. First off, I should alert you that things are not good for Mom again. The last test that they did showed the valve problem is bigger than either test revealed and open-heart surgery WILL be done. The gallbladder will also have to come out. In the meantime, mom is stable and feeling well and really tired of being in the hospital since she feels well. Everyone is getting a little crabby and annoyed with the circumstances of a week-long hospital stay.

My family makes me angry. Really. There is nothing I can do for my mom except "be there" which is expected 24/7. Or at least that I should want to be there and pull out all the stops to prove it. Nevermind the fact that I cannot unless I have 3 children in tow this week and when I do go?? I feel silly for calling out favors to have someone watch my kids so I can sit there and listen to my older sisters chat and watch my mom do her checkbook. HEY!! Guess what, I have a checkbook to balance at home. Laundry and meals and all of the normal day to day stuff that will wait patiently on me while I sit here and don't accomplish anything. I feel like a selfish pig.

Yes, I am a Martha, why do you ask?? I cannot just sit there and be. If there is work to be done, I will barrel in there, do it-help with it, and then I am ready to move on. Just hanging out and doing nothing is reserved for home. I can't possibly enjoy leisure time sitting at the hospital while someone else watches my kids. (Unless it is Erik which is not the case this week). I did that when it was him, but now I have to pull out favors to be there and that makes me have to validate if I am really needed. I do not feel that I am. I go each day for a daily visit which is 30 minutes to an hour. Why do I feel guilty about that? Why did they all look at me last night when I said I was going and say, "Oh, I thought you were going to stay a while since you don't have the kids."

Help me friends. I am not normal as is so well established. What am I supposed to do? I am trying to save my time and energy for after these surgeries when I feel I will be more needed than I am now. When my presence will be a help, not just another body in the room. Some of you should de-lurk too because you know me well enough to know if I am just being selfish. Am I??


Mia said...

(((hugs))) we need to talk.....

janjanmom said...

AAAGGHHH! Are you breaking up with me????!!!!

I really do love the dollar tree...I spent $38 there...I take it back!!! IT isn't worthless crap. Even the stuff that broke the same day is treasure!

Mia said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! oh my such funny stuff....ROLFL! No, just thought maybe someone (me) could listen to someone (you)and maybe offer some innocent bystander perspective and take your little nose miners off your hands in the very near future..

Sandy said...

John's family runs on guilt too... that's why we live 5 hours away and will not move closer. You are not being selfish.

I know it's a mess right now, but if I could just make a couple of observations: You've mentioned all these conversations you all have been having; this seems to be a useful time for some honesty rather than guilt. Be up front about it and tell them, "this is what I can do and when I can do it. I don't have anyone to watch the kids for me this week, and I'm saving my babysitters for when you'll need me later." They may grumble, but it sounds like they're doing that anyway, so what do you have to lose?

Last observation: Do all of you really have to be there all at the same time? Maybe if you suggest working out a schedule. Surely they must be feeling some of what you're feeling.

I'm sorry you're going through all this, not only because your mom is ill, but because all the junk in a family rises to the surface during times of stress. ((((hugs))))

~ Stephanie. said...

I think the rotation schedule is a great idea - work out which one of your sisters will watch your kids while you sit at the hospital. Nothing like a little forced volunteerism to make people quit complaining!

I pray this all gets better soon!

Steph said...

I would have to say that you are just being very honest, as usual. I would agree that you will probably be more needed and useful after the surgeries. Sorry, this is the first time I have read your blog in about three months, so at first I was in the dark about who was actually going to have surgery. Family is great, isn't it?! Lean on your TRUE family during this time and most especially your Father. Love ya and miss ya (my fault, not yours).

Anonymous said...

Sorry you are having so much can call me anytime. I would be glad to play with the girls while you visit and waste time! To me it's not really a waste.
I can help you with laundry and whatever else that would make life easy for ya!
You are not selfish. You have a great heart....and a big family, with a LARGER than life "to do" list!
Be with your mom as much as you can, enjoyable or not! Someday we may not have this "problem" anymore...laundry, bills, things will always be there...maybe just being there with her still helps?
Remember we are only here a short, vapor of a time!
I do understand though...I can't stand to just be "hanging" out during the day when I have all these things in my head I could be doing...sometimes we just have to put other things on hold though.
Sorry so long...but you said "come out" haha
Love ya,
call me! I had to catch up, cause we've been out of town since this all happened.

Anonymous said...

oh, and The Dollar Tree ROcks!
the toys are worthless, but not the food, lighters for grill, birthday supplies, books....floats for pool, balloons, spiderman pencils, DORA sunglasses, that are still at walmart for 5 bucks.....pic frames, soap, shampoo, UH HELLO????? What aisle did you shop in?????
i love you anyway too...

Deborah and Sally said...

I like the Dollar Tree also, and spend way to much money there :)
I don't know about it "rocking" as anonymous said, there are just somethings that I would NOT buy from the Dollar Tree like soap or shampoo (that's just me:)
Actually there are some really good toys, like crafty and creative ones, also clay, constuction paper, stamps, even paints are just a few of things I buy all the time there !


Anonymous said...

I only buy the pure and natural soap or the Dial pumps....I have found Johnson's and Johnson's there many times too! Sometimes there's softsoap, 2.00 at walmart....there are a lot of name brand items there, discontinued from other stores, like CVS or Walgreens. Her Dora sunglasses had a Kmart sticker of 8.99!
I am very picky at the D.Tree!
Jan, I hope you had a better day.. the pics are great!

Deborah and Sally said...

Wow, you have a cool Dollar Tree ! We don't have name brands in ours, I understand why yours rocks for sure :)
I'd LOVE to find Johnson&Johnson in a Dollar store !