If I can whine a bit today on here, maybe I can be all nice and sweet and normal in real life. First off, I should alert you that things are not good for Mom again. The last test that they did showed the valve problem is bigger than either test revealed and open-heart surgery WILL be done. The gallbladder will also have to come out. In the meantime, mom is stable and feeling well and really tired of being in the hospital since she feels well. Everyone is getting a little crabby and annoyed with the circumstances of a week-long hospital stay.
My family makes me angry. Really. There is nothing I can do for my mom except "be there" which is expected 24/7. Or at least that I should want to be there and pull out all the stops to prove it. Nevermind the fact that I cannot unless I have 3 children in tow this week and when I do go?? I feel silly for calling out favors to have someone watch my kids so I can sit there and listen to my older sisters chat and watch my mom do her checkbook. HEY!! Guess what, I have a checkbook to balance at home. Laundry and meals and all of the normal day to day stuff that will wait patiently on me while I sit here and don't accomplish anything. I feel like a selfish pig.
Yes, I am a Martha, why do you ask?? I cannot just sit there and be. If there is work to be done, I will barrel in there, do it-help with it, and then I am ready to move on. Just hanging out and doing nothing is reserved for home. I can't possibly enjoy leisure time sitting at the hospital while someone else watches my kids. (Unless it is Erik which is not the case this week). I did that when it was him, but now I have to pull out favors to be there and that makes me have to validate if I am really needed. I do not feel that I am. I go each day for a daily visit which is 30 minutes to an hour. Why do I feel guilty about that? Why did they all look at me last night when I said I was going and say, "Oh, I thought you were going to stay a while since you don't have the kids."
Help me friends. I am not normal as is so well established. What am I supposed to do? I am trying to save my time and energy for after these surgeries when I feel I will be more needed than I am now. When my presence will be a help, not just another body in the room. Some of you should de-lurk too because you know me well enough to know if I am just being selfish. Am I??