The curriculum fair was great! I had such great jolly fun. Made some new friends, got a few bargains, but only spent $7. Made around $30 but I was able to get rid of alot of books that were cluttering our life and my sanity. When it was over, my friend Sandy was gracious enough to offer going to the library to donate any unwanted books to the book drop(donated books are sold in a big Book sale later). So thanks to her, I am not putting alot of things back on the shelf today and those books will bless someone else. Thanks Sandy( :

We were all cleaned up and ready to leave by 9:30 so there was plenty of time for parking lot fellowship. And there was plenty of parking lot fellowship. I love my fellow homeschool moms. We fully realize that we encourage one another always and for the most part, are a very complimentary bunch. People truly appreciate any work done for the group and show it with nice words. There are exceptions of course,but for the most part, it is a blessing just to be in their presence for a few hours and work together. I have had nothing but good feedback and I think everyone found it to be a good source of a few new things and a good way to be rid of few unneeded things. I love to organize things for a group and know that when it is over, there will be help. Lots of it. Oh and during, there will be fellowship. And later, parking lot fellowship. Lots of it...hee hee.

The following is a rant about my church and realtionship with God. I will be talking in circles and making no sense probably so be patient as I sort through my brain today.

WOW!! God has really been working on me this week. I have had such a busy week but lots of major faith questioning as well. I am really questioning what is going on with my family and what are we teaching our children. Do we have a faith that is being passed down, or are we just going through the motions? Is my husband unable to be the spiritual leader because I fill that role? Is it possible to alter myself and fix that, or is it something he has to fix or something that God has to fix? I don't want to be teaching my children that God is a routine we have. He is so awesome and powerful and present to me, but can they see that?? I don't know. I am just not sure how "christian" I come across. Especially the way they see me-uncensored and unaware lots of times! We are the only christians they REALLY SEE(as in uncensored) right now and is it an image that truly reflects my saviour? NOOO!! At least not usually!! I have some moments when I am a good person-when the Christ within me shines through, but not as often as he should.

Erika turns ten in August. She and Kayla have both been wanting to get baptized forever, at least 3 years and I just have not felt like it was time. I am starting to really second guess myself about whether I can make that call. I worry because they don't hear a sermon and do the altar call thing. I did not ask anyone when I was their age, I knew God was tugging my heartstrings and after 2-3 weeks of not answering, I went forward. Unlike some people, I do not really remember my age or the date. I knew it was important and my life was forever different, I just did not have the people in my life impressing on me to remember the date! I would guess I was somewhere between 9 and 11. No one studied with me before then but they certainly did after.

My biggest worry with my kids is church. I wish I could crawl inside their brains and look around to see what is going on. What are they thinking about church? Is God real to them? My biggest concern about church (ANY CHURCH) is the pomp and circumstance. It just seems so showy. Prayers are the same prayers you have always heard (not ALWAYS-but usually), singing is polished and perfect(not ALWAYS-but usually), order carefully constructed. Emotions are there but carefully checked.

When I was in high school, I went to an Assembly of God church and every Sunday, Sunday night, and Wednesday night, I could go forward and bury my face in the altar and have a good cry about both what I had done wrong and right that week/day/hour. It was a source of spiritual renewal. It was actually why I came to church-the rest was nice but I wanted to be with God at the altar. I was sixteen-18 and it was really my faith. I did not attend with my parents but with friends from school. I drove myself, quite a ways, to get there. My parents had no faith to inherit. (They did have church though!) Sometimes I prayed about "stuff", but mostly it was just me getting close to God (I was in good company though-30 other people up there as well). The church home we have now-which I love with all of my heart-doesn't do altar call, not that way, and it is really wearing on me for some reason lately. People basically only come forward if they wish to get baptized or if they have a huge issue/sin/sickness they are struggling with. I know I could go up there anytime and I have. I just know that makes people think we have big monster sins in our life and I don't know if I can be "oh it is just Janice up there again, she always goes up". I can get on my face and pray to God anywhere, anytime-but I just learned early that the altar is where you take your burdens. I have to either buck the system at my church and get up there to that altar(front pew) or find another "place" for myself. I have some things I need to leave there. It is the publicness that I need-it is sort of a confession in a way, confessing him before others, knowing he is there, answering the call, feeling the tug. I don't, however, want the attention that comes with the altar call at my church-the explanation why I responded, the churchwide prayer out loud for me, people coming up to hug me after church-I guess I just want to be surrounded by 30 other people on their face crying at the altar too so it is just not a big deal.


Pray for me friends. My veneer is breaking-I have prayed to God that he needs to do whatever it takes in my life right now and it is causing me to inspect carefully everything in my life and there is much there that doesn't meet up with his plans or mine for my life. I am holding on and trusting but fear the change that is coming.