Tuesday, May 23, 2006

I am not resembling the daughter of a king today...or yesterday. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I should have known that when you set your mind to becoming closer to God, Satan does attack. He has in a mighty way and I am not sure what I am supposed to do with this.

There are so many things in my marriage that have been ignored that are now on the forefront and screaming to be resolved. I feel like a wishbone that is being tugged by two different sides. I want to do the things that I know are right and honor God, but sometimes things are soo hard that I just want to throw up my hands and quit.

Please pray for me, pray for us that we each seek to honor God first and then each other and ourselves last. I can't even tell you all the anger that wells up within me as I typed that last statement. I refuse to be a martyr anymore, but oh how proudly I have worn that hat in the past. Just let everyone else be happy and put my own wants and desires aside for the good of the family. The compounded effect of allowing someone else to do whatever they want to "make them happy" has culminated in a really bad marriage. It has forced me into a "mommy" role and him into a "child" role. So I am a dysfunctional "mom" that wants my "kid" to like me and he is a child seeing just how far he can push to get his way. I just can't do it anymore and the worst thing of all is that his role is pretty cool. He gets to plug in or not. He can be "busy" and uninvolved in the day to day of our life. Why in the world would he want to change anything??? He has the best of all worlds, lots of me time and a family to come back to when his me time is all done. So I feel like a single mom that is not single. I am full of anger and resentment.

Now, don't read into this that my husband is a bad man. He is not. He is a wonderful father and husband. He has just always had an audience for whatever his "thing" was. It was football most of his life. Now it is music. He likes attention and praise from doing these things. I would prefer him to curl up with one of our kids and read a book. Watch them in a spelling bee. I would like for him to shift the focus off of himself and onto our family. I am not an audience kind of person. I am not impressed by sports or music, or "stars". Show me who you really are not what you do. That is my makeup-I like the real nitty gritty honesty, not the persona. The people who impress me in life are the ones who make family their priority no matter what. They walk away from huge opportunities because they know their kids will only be little once.

Juxtaposition anyone? I would say we have it.

I covet your prayers for our family. I want God to change us, to split us at the seams and put us back together in a way that honors him. I know that involves huge changes from me too and I am just as reluctant. I probably should not post this but this is where I am at today and anything else would be a smokescreen.


Heather said...

you have our prayers Jan - email me and maybe I'll be nice and send you your prize ;-)

Susie said...

Bless your heart, Jan. Marital troubles are no fun. You do have my prayers, and God does answer prayers. : )

Juliabohemian said...

I am familiar with this routine. I was there a few years back. It isn't anyone's fault specifically. It's something that your life evolves into after lots of enabling.

Try making a list of things that you do for your husband that you would like to see him do for himself. For instance, I started making my husband make his own doctor's appointments.

Also make a list of things that you have tolerated, but don't actually like. For example: the amount of time he spends watching TV or maybe the type of people he spends time with.

Don't dump it on him all at once. Because, remember, as far as he's concerned none of this was a problem for you. Think about what issues are most important to you and go from there.

Anonymous said...

Will be praying for you daily. Thanks for stopping by!

Jacinda said...

(((hugs)))and prayers!

jessica said...

Lots of prayers coming your way! We had this battle a couple of months ago and are on the road to recovery. It is a hard road... but worth it.

BohemianMama said...

Juliabohemian, you have some good advice. Please visit my blog and give me some if/when I post my probs. :)

When we moved to BG, I told John he needed to be the financial manager and pay the bills, etc. now. I love it. Of course, he happens to be the "nerd" and I the "free spirit" (terms of financial guru Dave Ramsey) so it fits anyway.

Love you and love your openness . . . praying as well.