I am not resembling the daughter of a king today...or yesterday. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I should have known that when you set your mind to becoming closer to God, Satan does attack. He has in a mighty way and I am not sure what I am supposed to do with this.
There are so many things in my marriage that have been ignored that are now on the forefront and screaming to be resolved. I feel like a wishbone that is being tugged by two different sides. I want to do the things that I know are right and honor God, but sometimes things are soo hard that I just want to throw up my hands and quit.
Please pray for me, pray for us that we each seek to honor God first and then each other and ourselves last. I can't even tell you all the anger that wells up within me as I typed that last statement. I refuse to be a martyr anymore, but oh how proudly I have worn that hat in the past. Just let everyone else be happy and put my own wants and desires aside for the good of the family. The compounded effect of allowing someone else to do whatever they want to "make them happy" has culminated in a really bad marriage. It has forced me into a "mommy" role and him into a "child" role. So I am a dysfunctional "mom" that wants my "kid" to like me and he is a child seeing just how far he can push to get his way. I just can't do it anymore and the worst thing of all is that his role is pretty cool. He gets to plug in or not. He can be "busy" and uninvolved in the day to day of our life. Why in the world would he want to change anything??? He has the best of all worlds, lots of me time and a family to come back to when his me time is all done. So I feel like a single mom that is not single. I am full of anger and resentment.
Now, don't read into this that my husband is a bad man. He is not. He is a wonderful father and husband. He has just always had an audience for whatever his "thing" was. It was football most of his life. Now it is music. He likes attention and praise from doing these things. I would prefer him to curl up with one of our kids and read a book. Watch them in a spelling bee. I would like for him to shift the focus off of himself and onto our family. I am not an audience kind of person. I am not impressed by sports or music, or "stars". Show me who you really are not what you do. That is my makeup-I like the real nitty gritty honesty, not the persona. The people who impress me in life are the ones who make family their priority no matter what. They walk away from huge opportunities because they know their kids will only be little once.
Juxtaposition anyone? I would say we have it.
I covet your prayers for our family. I want God to change us, to split us at the seams and put us back together in a way that honors him. I know that involves huge changes from me too and I am just as reluctant. I probably should not post this but this is where I am at today and anything else would be a smokescreen.