Thursday, January 05, 2006

I haven't posted yet about our day at Matha's Vineyard yet. This entry has been festering in my brain for quite sometime and I need to let it go. As I looked over the names we would be delivering to, I saw the last name of the most toxic relationship I was ever involved in. It is a very unusual name and I was sure it would be someone he was kin to. I was dying a little inside that I might run into him and how awkward that would be. It would not be the first time our paths have crossed, but it would be a time when I would be forced to speak. As we knocked on her door I was filled with all sorts of emotions. When she opened the door and I looked into her eyes, I saw him. This was definitely his mother. She then went on to say something about his company and her working for him. I was very polite, I felt I was seeing something I shouldn't. She had "mental" written on her form and I felt sorry for him to be facing these kinds of things with his Mom.

I have been mulling all of this over in my mind and wondering what am I supposed to do with this experience? Is this supposed to give me a glimpse of where his weakness originated? Do I pity him now? Is God preparing me for something? Is this just a fluke thing? Is this the work of Satan...always reminding- trying to sabotage me? As in many other times in my life I am asking God-what do you want from me? I know he is not a Christian, but I sure don't want to be the one to deliver the message to him. I do not ever wish to speak to this person again. My husband certainly does not ever want me to speak to this person again. So what then? I think getting all this out in writing helps...I want to let it go. I hate when my past visits my present, especially when I am supposed to be doing a good thing. I wanted to teach my children a lesson in service. God may forgive us our trespasses, but the consequences of our sin live on forever. The lives we shatter with our sin live on. Just makes my last post all that much more meaningful to me.


summer said...

wow, talk about god being alive and active and teaching you a lesson while you were only expecting to teach your children one! i completely understand. i don't ever want to cross paths with a certain old boyfriend of mine either. i don't necessarily think you are supposed to go become buds again by anymeans. i think it was just a lesson to not be judgmental. to realize that the cross is for anyone and everyone. it was just a god momment with you to say, "I (God) brought you out of your misery." i don't know, i wasn't there, but i think it was a good thing. not an act of satan, because it seems to me, it didn't remotely make you want to go back there. and you had your three beautiful girls there to remind you that you do not have to live in shame. you are a new creation because of that "cross." free from guilt and shame. you are an amazing mother and wife and if points are given for effort, you would really be racking up. you try really hard. i know it doesn't feel like it sometimes, but look at what you give up for yourself to serve your family and church and girl scouts name it. god has redeemed you and your life is evidence. take care. love you,

janjanmom said...

That so matches up with the word I got from God today which was the passage of Philipians 3:12-21. I have read this passage a bazillion times but read words today I swear I have never seen before...verse 16-"Only let us live up to what we have already attained."

I kept blinking my eyes and reading again. These were words I needed to hear and I got them straight from God...I will be praying over this passage this week. Thanks for helping me unravel that uncomfortable day, Summer. You are a jewel and I am glad to have the gift of your friendship.