My Love Song and Magnum Opus

This is my love song,

The love was all wrong. 

Change is hard. 
Trust, often betrayed,
hard to bestow on this house of cards.

This Was My Story, This Was My Song

Too much to lose,
No hope to choose.
Nothing but abuse.
Oh look, Booze!
All good, just hang loose!
Everything is an excuse.
It keeps me here to mind my cues.
Get off my back, you fucking cooze!

Be right back, quick blues.
The one I choose, the ones I use.
The things you ignore, mostly me.
Are the first signs, hard to see.

But only to me.

The rest of my world could see

Distracted by fabulosity,

You took all the best of me,
Shamed and discarded the rest of me.
Now expect the world from me.
The same world which hears you call me crazy.

I need the next line of my song to appear

Because it is a heartache living here.

January 18, 2022

I seem to be the only one who believes my wounds, so why would I allow more wounding?  

Love me as I am, not how you wish I was.  

I don't have to change my very essence to suit the whims of spectators.  As far as I can see, I'm traveling alone, in the big picture of life, as in, my children are grown.  I'm going through a shit show and a good bit of it involves giving my power away and believing someone else's opinion of who I should be.  I changed everything to be the right person to fit into a life for someone who could not have possibly cared any less.

*I should be over it by now...except I can't because I am right in the midst of it.

*I should listen to all.of the well meaning advice that I either ask for or certainly did not ask for.

*Still have people forget about me because I purposely made.my existence so small and my requirements zero.  My goal was to never be any trouble.  

*I will be worth the trouble, to me.  And that's allowed.

And my situations were all out of control.  Also, my own damn fault.  I thought I was so damn important and irreplaceable.  AND, running on empty.  Desperately trying to fill all the buckets around me with my own empty bucket.

Not even noticing I was giving my all to people who didn't want me at all...until the right someone came along and noticed me for the first time in a very long time.  And I wasn't looking or trying, just being me and someone else found that attractive and valued me.  Suddenly, I saw a happier version of me and I wanted to be happier.  I still do AND I will.  I had to fall.  I had to fail because I thought I was so damn perfect and I absolutely was not.  I was a prideful person barely hanging on to my sanity.  I was proving to the world how useful I was.  I was begging for a place at a table that would not allow me.

It was a very pivotal moment.  I fell out of my life in a big way that rocked my soul and shook me like a dog.😂
Part of my addiction is focusing on serving others so hard that I never have to worry about my own shit.  Life sat me right down for three years to figure my shit out.  In the midst of chaos, all around.  Life is real.  It's a shit storm.  Plus, loving me first was always critical, I was brainwashed into submitting to authority.  Usually just another person appointed leadership.  I've been a part of some really shitty ideas.  Worshipping people, any people is a damn crime.  I'm glad I failed.  It finally changed me for the better.  I hope my children always respect me, despite so many hurtful mistakes.  May God always guide my path to where I grow into a better version of me.  I also hope and pray with all my heart that more people fail so they can love themselves the way the rest of us already do.

No one ever really hated me, but I was sick.  I was needy.  My anger was always on the ready.  My poor coping skills were as self taught as the rest of me.  Its been a long lonely road for me.  Churches and church leaders have fucked over my entire family, personally.  Leaders forced my children to judge and devalue their own family and I agreed with them and cried because I was a terrible person.

What a load of shit!  I am thankful every day that I raised very strong willed individuals who can spot a phony in a heartbeat.  They just watched how people treated their mom and that told them all they needed to know.  Counting my blessings where I can.  May God always prune my branches.  I want to bloom and be the best me possible.  I don't mind being lonely or alone ever again.  I am never alone, unless I detach from the loving support network that God allowed me to build even while I was a flawed bitchy emotional wreck.  BECAUSE, God.  I was the only one who thought I was passing for perfection. My friends and family accepted my flaws and loved my essence, not all of my thoughts and ideas.  I am more than my thoughts and accomplishments.  I am a body and a soul with a caring super sensitive heart.  It's a tricky dance being me and I don't ask anyone else to dance with me.  BUT, if someone ever steps up and asks me to dance again, intertwine my life with another human again, I prefer they know their own dance already and be willing to learn mine too.  That way, we can dance together and apart.😊 Life needs more dancing and I still haven't learned, but I will.

Now, I can accept the flaws I have always had, all along.  I had them and I was real and I was kind and I loved big.  I have always led with my heart.  I can't help the folks that didn't love me back.  That was never anything I had any control over.  Most of the time, they were projecting their own hurts at the world.  I just so happened to be so sensitive to their emotions, and I was just narcissistic enough to know I could fix everything with enough love and service.

I was my own sabeteur, but somehow, thought it wasn't selfish because he and my kids were my all.  I would have died for them, but they needed me to LIVE LAUGH LOVE AND BE LOVED.  I'm gonna do that now, one day at a time, chasing dreams, feeling the feels, listening better, journaling, moving around, making plans, loving family, treasuring my blessings-especially the friends, but the greatest of these is sowing love instead of anger, so I can reap love, not wounds.

Hard shit and all the feels

What if women must be managed inside of societal circles (CHURCH) to keep men from sinning because men just can't help being attracted to women in such a way that they will give up everything for it?  Especially very young and beautiful women...but also any woman acting friendly that is bangable.  Men have this NEED, you know??  What if they can use their power and influence to screw around and no one ever finds out about it?  SCORE!!

Bill Clinton. Revered.  He had no rules...kind of like Trump. Despised.  They are the same man!!  Both will do good work because other men have total respect for a man that goes through life with no rules...just doing whatever feels good at the time.

Do women secretly hold all the power, but we are  SHAMED into dressing and acting BETTER to protect the righteous man from our POWER.  Are righteous men the same men who are misogynists who hate women because women are for the man.  A gift from God for man.  SEX...but only with ONE woman and she owes it to you everytime you want it and if she doesn't put out, you are not forced to deal with your shortcomings as a lover or person.  Just find a better one.  A prettier one who likes sex more.  Maybe 20 years younger.  Maybe, men are still shopping for a better model no.matter how nice their wife is.  Maybe, being a powerful man means you can afford whatever you like and collect beautiful things...cars and women.

WOMEN are to be enjoyed and controlled, managed, used to fulfill sexual desire, then discarded.  Truly discarded, compartmentalized and forgotten.  It's perfectly normal for a normal VIRILE man to use and abuse many young and beautiful women along the way...because you couldn't help it. Oh and the "mistake" women that you aren't as proud of banging...those you cant even admit you used for sex...gross.  Never acknowledge that fat bitch to anyone.   After all, God gave dominion to man in all things, including women???


I sure hope we don't start acting like men and making sure everyone gets a little taste of our power.  Because when that happens, you better hope absolute power does not corrupt absolutely.

I mean, that would be like letting the prostitutes keep their money and not pay the pimp. If you have been a powerful person and you used that power to abuse others, you will use any and all means available to retain power.  Although, the sincerely downtrodden and abused are incapable of saying no or fighting back-that is what makes it abuse!!

God forgive me for all the times I used my power to abuse those in my charge. Forgive me every time I was unkind and full of insecurities and resentments.  Forgive me for not asking for help and just going from person to person sharing the anger and pain of my past with my present.   Forgive me for ever feeling superior.  I am better than no one.  I desperately need HEALTHY love and connection.

Thank you God, for giving me more compassion than anger.  May that compassion always prevail as I seek to tell my truths, own my mistakes and live in kindness with other humans.  Help me forgive myself as easily as I forgive others because grace can only be given if grace has truly been received.