Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Day of Rest

Ha! It never works out.

I never could have told my 25 year old self to enjoy the baby/toddler stage. In fact, I laughed at people who told me those were the easy years-cause they weren't. They were major hard. Fussy babies, unfed self, CAR SEATS!!, touched too much all day long, meeting the needs of everyone in the family all the time, never being able to count on a good nights sleep and I could go on and on with even more ways it was trying. However, entering into the pre-teen years makes me long to smell like spit-up, make do with a 2 minute shower and not leave the house for an entire week. To those babies, you are the world. You spend a good solid day with them and they eat it up. They hold you and play with your hair and they love you as only a baby can love. Pre-teens get the same amount of love and attention and on a good day you will be "not really cool, but somewhat suitable at times". They really wish you were so and so's mom because she is a really cool mom. It doesn't even cross their mind that telling you so might cause your PMS self to break down and cry, in fact, doing so will only annoy them and prove the aforementioned "uncoolness".

I am really struggling with this new dynamic of parenting. To say it is hard would be the understatement of the year. I keep thinking I am just not cut out for this. I failed "being a girl" in middle and high school. I had three older sisters who were nicer to me on their meanest day than some of the girls I called "friend" at school. I was frequently "voted off the middle school island". I made friends with my entire middle school class because I wanted to make sure I always had people who would talk to me when my "homies" decided I was out(roughly once a week). I had many very close guy friends that I loved talking too. We could talk about anything and everything. I even did things like bike riding, playing basketball and three wheeler riding with them. To be fair, I often had middle school girl crushes on them-but this was NEVER admitted or shown in any way.

In high school, I had 4 best friends to get through all the areas of my life, but my bestest one was a guy. Sure, I was totally in love with him and everyone thought we were dating, which worked out well for both of us. Anyway, all of this to say, I cheated on a whole lot of the "girl" crap. I don't know how to deal with it. I see my girls getting hurt-and doing some hurting too-and I don't know how to make it better. I thank my lucky stars they are not in school where they would be getting a much bigger dose of it. I also hate how superficial and mean they often are, despite all my efforts to the contrary. Of course, I can look back and remember times when I did the same type of things-calling people bad names, judging them harshly on important things like HAIR, not being friends with certain "uncool" people and treating my mom very badly at times.

I think I just thought I was a poor unguided soul and that was why I struggled. I never knew that this "becoming" was a rite of passage. I always felt like with the proper instruction and guidance, much middle school and teen angst would be avoided. I was wrong. I repent of my wrongness and will now be utilizing the power of prayer instead of relying on my "knowledge" and "understanding".

Lord, please help me. I need wisdom and patience. I am a very poor example of love and grace. I give you my daughters, again. I fear I was not the best choice to parent them but I know you know what you are doing so I beg you for direction. I pray for them to have soft hearts and an ability to learn valuable lessons from the pain they inflict on others and also the pain they have inflicted by others.


hulagirlatheart said...

I wish I could tell you it gets better very soon, but it doesn't. Hang in there. About the time you think you're a complete parenting failure, they do something that gives you hope you will survive these roller coaster years. I pray about it. A lot. Like all the time. As in I have to go right now and pray.

jettybetty said...

I am pretty sure the reason God gives us children is to keep us on our knees. Just keep praying--God is listening!!! Middle school is just hard.

Jen, Fred, Jennifer or Mom said...

Why God thought I would be the appropriate mother for 4 boys, I will never understand completely. I am much more of a girly girl, and really didn't have too much of the cat fighting that goes on with girls in my preteen years.......I am not into worms, fishing, potty humor, smelly socks and video games.

I think jettybetty is right, it's just to keep us on our knees, keep our focus on God and etc.

Hang in there...you are not alone.

~ Stephanie. said...

Just so you know . . . the moms that other kids think are cool - their own kids are thoroughly embarrassed by them as well!

God, please give Janet the patience and wisdom she needs to love and nurture three beautiful girls. Help her to see daily the mission you have for her and for her family. Allow her to witness enough success to keep her encouraged. Father, help her to understand that every single day is a gift - it may not always be the gift we asked for, but it is a gift from you just the same. Amen.

Anonymous said...

As a former mean girl, I always hate to hear those stories of sadness that I'm sure I played a major part in. Maybe a story of how a bully got her just desserts by a girl with 3 older sisters, who I am sure coached their little sister, could help brighten your spirits when you remember the bad times. That girl stood up for herself to a major a**hat, and dared her to take a punch. Said bully backed down, and was terrified, embarrased and saddened, and deserved every minute of it! Also remember, this bully regrets DAILY every horrible action she ever created or was involved in, and should. As I said before, misery is a dish people love to share. Cool is so uncool, I just wish I had had the guts to be what I wanted, instead of worrying so much about what was cool.

Anonymous said...

The above post was mine!