Day of Rest

Ha! It never works out.

I never could have told my 25 year old self to enjoy the baby/toddler stage. In fact, I laughed at people who told me those were the easy years-cause they weren't. They were major hard. Fussy babies, unfed self, CAR SEATS!!, touched too much all day long, meeting the needs of everyone in the family all the time, never being able to count on a good nights sleep and I could go on and on with even more ways it was trying. However, entering into the pre-teen years makes me long to smell like spit-up, make do with a 2 minute shower and not leave the house for an entire week. To those babies, you are the world. You spend a good solid day with them and they eat it up. They hold you and play with your hair and they love you as only a baby can love. Pre-teens get the same amount of love and attention and on a good day you will be "not really cool, but somewhat suitable at times". They really wish you were so and so's mom because she is a really cool mom. It doesn't even cross their mind that telling you so might cause your PMS self to break down and cry, in fact, doing so will only annoy them and prove the aforementioned "uncoolness".

I am really struggling with this new dynamic of parenting. To say it is hard would be the understatement of the year. I keep thinking I am just not cut out for this. I failed "being a girl" in middle and high school. I had three older sisters who were nicer to me on their meanest day than some of the girls I called "friend" at school. I was frequently "voted off the middle school island". I made friends with my entire middle school class because I wanted to make sure I always had people who would talk to me when my "homies" decided I was out(roughly once a week). I had many very close guy friends that I loved talking too. We could talk about anything and everything. I even did things like bike riding, playing basketball and three wheeler riding with them. To be fair, I often had middle school girl crushes on them-but this was NEVER admitted or shown in any way.

In high school, I had 4 best friends to get through all the areas of my life, but my bestest one was a guy. Sure, I was totally in love with him and everyone thought we were dating, which worked out well for both of us. Anyway, all of this to say, I cheated on a whole lot of the "girl" crap. I don't know how to deal with it. I see my girls getting hurt-and doing some hurting too-and I don't know how to make it better. I thank my lucky stars they are not in school where they would be getting a much bigger dose of it. I also hate how superficial and mean they often are, despite all my efforts to the contrary. Of course, I can look back and remember times when I did the same type of things-calling people bad names, judging them harshly on important things like HAIR, not being friends with certain "uncool" people and treating my mom very badly at times.

I think I just thought I was a poor unguided soul and that was why I struggled. I never knew that this "becoming" was a rite of passage. I always felt like with the proper instruction and guidance, much middle school and teen angst would be avoided. I was wrong. I repent of my wrongness and will now be utilizing the power of prayer instead of relying on my "knowledge" and "understanding".

Lord, please help me. I need wisdom and patience. I am a very poor example of love and grace. I give you my daughters, again. I fear I was not the best choice to parent them but I know you know what you are doing so I beg you for direction. I pray for them to have soft hearts and an ability to learn valuable lessons from the pain they inflict on others and also the pain they have inflicted by others.